SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What is your wife doing to be a safe partner for you now?

She is more transparent about what she is doing. If she goes somewhere with friends and coworkers, she sends a picture. I have access to her phone and can go through it anytime I want. No overnight trips. No bars. No clubs. Any overnight trip, even for work, I have to be there. I don't know what else people do.

Does she know you are resentful of her family's praise because of her actions?

No. She feels it or has felt it but I haven't told her point blank. She has also seen how agitated I get when I hear them.

Are you able to communicate your feelings to her or are they always behind that door? Why are they there? Do you fear losing her if you were to express those feelings?

Right now we don't communicate much. She knows there is a hot, spicy and chunky stew simmering but she doesn't ask - for self preservation - and I try to not bring it up all the time because she hates feeling bad about herself. Typical WS selfish bs. I fear that the more and more I open up to her she will over-analyze my thoughts as she always does and come to her conclusion that I hate her and her entire family. Then what? Cheat again? Divorce? What? I don't know. I guess, the reason I keep them hidden is for my own self preservation and my kids' as well.

But I haven't done it. Why? Because I think it's a double edged sword. At first it will be shock and awe and shame. Then anger and ridicule toward her. Then more shame. Sooner or later, they will be interfering with my life behind the scene asking my wife to leave me for their own selfish reasons; so that they would not have to face the shame. This is why I believe it to be double edged sword.

I wonder if anyone can relate?

Yes but unlike you, I didn't take the time to think about it, unfortunately. I insisted that WS tell his parents and siblings. Part of that insistence came from the fact that I couldn't tell my own parents (they live out of the country and it's...complicated). I can tell you his parents have completely interfered behind the scenes and his siblings have rugswept. They've all been far more loving to WS than they were the entire time I've known them. I couldn't believe it (though I should have predicted it). I've had to put a stop to it - my WS' issues include seeking validation from outside sources and his family's insistence that he's the best son/brother ever certainly was that - and the one positive thing that has come out of his family knowing is that it's given me an opportunity to be heard on issues with his family that I've had for years. He's stood up to his mom on more than one occasion, something I never expected he would do.

It's not ideal but at this point, I'm glad they know but it was rough in the beginning.

Right now we don't communicate much. She knows there is a hot, spicy and chunky stew simmering but she doesn't ask - for self preservation - and I try to not bring it up all the time because she hates feeling bad about herself. Typical WS selfish bs. I fear that the more and more I open up to her she will over-analyze my thoughts as she always does and come to her conclusion that I hate her and her entire family. Then what? Cheat again? Divorce? What? I don't know. I guess, the reason I keep them hidden is for my own self preservation and my kids' as well.

I try to remind myself - let go of the outcome. If you keep it all in, where will that take you? You will be miserable. If you need to talk - talk. Try doing so in a constructive manner but don't bottle it up. If she can't stomach it, so be it. You will not survive without openness, transparency and honesty.

broeknviking, I agree. But I think this next discussion has to be with a MC there. I need to lay a few things on the table and I need to do it in an environment where she doesn't feel threatened.

If she is looking for more things to do How to Heal Your Spouse Heal is a good place to start. Is she in IC trying to figure out why she thought it was okay to be abusive to you in this way so that she can become a better partner?

All the things you listed are a good start but require you parenting her. This is necessary to start but she has to learn and grow and change unless you want to check her homework for the rest of your life or else she repeats her crappy choices.

Another book I would recommend you both reading is NonViolent Communication. You have to be able to talk about what is really going on with you if you don't want this to eat you from the inside out.

Are you in IC? This shit is rough and having a good support team makes a big difference.

It's strange how certain subjects come up with our children or her family that, if the truth were known would be entirely different.

For example, a couple of months ago we were camping and 3 of our 4 adult children were there. Somehow the subject of drugs came up and we all sort of went around and "confessed" to our past. I was totally honest, that I smoked quite a bit of marijuana while in High School, that I did the same while in the service as well as doing cocaine a few times. I left the service in 1981 and since that time I have smoked marijuana 2 times. That is complete honesty.

My wife admitted that she tried marijuana a couple of times and did acid twice during her first marriage. She completely left out the fact that she was doing cocaine and smoking marijuana with her AP, in our home, while I was out of state for 3 months and she was in sole care of our 3 and 5 year old daughters during her first affair. I glanced at her for any indication of being uncomfortable about her lies of omission, or even to see if she would look to see my reaction. Nope, neither, not a care in the world.