SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was talking to random women I came across online and became wrapped up in a separate life. I never met up with any of them but that’s besides the point. My wife eventually found out and everything crumbled. We got better for a bit then I fell back down that rabbit hole again. I tried to think of reasons of why I was doing this. Everything I came up with was either small or a product of me avoiding bringing up issues and making them become bigger than they should have been.

I have been doing good of staying away from my past for almost two years now. The problem is my wife and I got into a discussion and me just not cheating wasn’t going to solve anything. I need to work on fixing the damage I have caused. I have no idea where to begin with this. I guess I had myself tricked into believing that with enough time of just not doing it again that things would be better. Anyone have any advice or experience with this?

1 Member · 0 Replies

Hi Luffy,

I am not one of the "veterans", so hopefully other members will chip in with better advice.

This part stood out to me:

Everything I came up with was either small or a product of me avoiding bringing up issues and making them become bigger than they should have been.

Can I ask if you have done any therapy to understand why you were doing it? This could be a good starting point to better understand what happened. For example: you may have been unhappy, stressed, in need of excitement, etc.. but why did you choose that route specifically?

Understanding the "why" is a huge step in recovery (you will be untangling a lot of things!).

I appreciate therapy may not be always feasible (including for financial reasons). Another starting point would be doing some reading ("Not just friends" by Shirley Glass). Read also in the "healing library" here. There are several great posts.

Well done for stopping and not straying for two years. And also for showing up here.

Your wife may need to see that you can be a safe partner, that you changed to the core and that you can "affair-proof" the marriage .

Take care

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 10:49 AM, Wednesday, September 23rd]

Start by reading "how to help your spouse heal from infidelity" it’s a quick read and provide some insight on being a good repairer.

Pursue your wife is a big one. Ask her about her pain. Listen. Show empathy. Intentionally build trust and connection.

I also think it’s very important you take the step to fully understand your behavior and work on changing the things that fed into it. Validation, escapism, are two big things that come to mind. Find replacement coping and practice. Go to therapy. Share back what you are learning.

In my opinion, this self discovery is a very important step because it shows you care enough to truly become a safe partner for her. Since this has been a recurring issue it doesn’t help her feel secure when you say you won’t do it anymore. Because let’s face it he next time you need a hit of validation or escapism, it’s going to be something that becomes irresistible again. In fact, over time the chances are likely that you will continue to esculqte the behaviors because that’s what happens -it takes more and more to become excited or to quench what you need to learn to quench from wholesome living.

Are you copying and pasting this from elsewhere?