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We’ve been together for about 18 years and married for 13. We have two middle school-aged children and live abroad. My wife is the CEO of a small startup, and about 2 months ago I discovered that she’d been having an affair with the co-founder of the same company for the past 9 months.

Obviously, I was devastated at D-day but – maybe because of the shock, or it’s in my nature to try to fix things – I was all in on reconciliation. Within the first week I started digging into all the information available online, started IC for the first time, and tried to put together a detailed boundary framework.

The core problem with the boundaries is that, because she's CEO and he's co-founder, true no-contact is essentially impossible without one of them leaving the company. And after pouring her heart into building this thing over the past 3 years, it’s become her identity. In fact, when I first brought up the idea that I wouldn’t be able to handle her continuing to work with him – something I’ve brought up several times since discovery – her response was something like, "but I’ve worked so hard for this." Clearly not the response of, "I’ll do anything to save the marriage," that I was looking for.

Over the weeks now we’ve fought, we’ve made up, I’ve tried pulling away from her emotionally and physically at times, only to succumb to my urges for closeness and intimacy with her. She’s initiated her own IC and has been apologetic for the betrayal, for "ruining my life", for how much she’s disappointed me, etc. But at the end of the day, there really hasn’t been any behavior change to speak of. She continues working closely with her AP, though they do so remotely and have limited physical interaction as they live and work in different cities. That said, at some point they will need to travel together for work, which absolutely guts me.

So last week I finally told her, calmly, soberly, and with minimal emotion, that as long as they remain in contact I believe the affair is ongoing. That I’m suffering immensely knowing that she continues to work with him daily, and that I’m sure they still have social contact beyond what’s needed professionally. And that if she can’t cut contact with him, I will have to leave for my own mental health, self-respect, and dignity.

For the first time, I think she truly understood the impact of what she’s done. I think she'd been hoping we could sweep this all under the rug and move on. She was visibly shaken.

So now, I wait. But not for long. We’re actually on vacation with the kids – something that had been planned months ago. But when we get back home, I’ll need to demand an answer. Me or the company + AP. Thing is, even if she chooses to leave the company, I can’t guarantee that we’ll be able to reconcile. She's clearly not the person I thought she was. This whole thing is just so messed up…

Just wanted to share my story. Eager to hear any insights or shared experiences.

What you describe is horrible. I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. A couple of things.

What you're feeling is completely normal and justified. You are absolutely correct that as long as they're in contact the affair is ongoing. There's no way any of us would be able to tolerate that situation. I think you're right to tell her she needs to make the choice and that your marriage is on the line. It sucks that she's put so much into this business and is being asked to make such a choice, but she's the one who created this situation. Not you. You're doing what you need to do. If she wants to save your marriage she will choose to separate from the affair partner no matter the cost.

I think you're doing the right thing by requiring her to make this choice if saving the marriage is your goal. You're going to have to figure out of that's even enough tho. For some, cheating is a dealbreaker no matter how remorseful a wayward spouse is or what they do, and most don't really know for sure one way or the other until they're faced with it.

Is the AP in a relationship, married? Has the other betrayed partner been notified? It may help a lot with your wife's decision.

[This message edited by Lostinmarriage at 5:45 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

I think you’re doing the right thing. No contact has to be a minimum requirement for any attempt at reconciliation.

You’re right - successful R is never guaranteed. But as long as she’s working with him and - can’t believe I’m reading this right - maintaining social contact beyond what’s required(!), you have no choice but to consider the affair ongoing.

I can appreciate how hard it would be for her to walk away. I work in private equity. I think she probably really did pour her heart and soul into that startup. Since she’s the CEO, maybe he can exit? Presumably that’s the value-maximizing path for AP’s equity? If he doesn’t want to, then she’s going to have to choose her BH or her startup. You know, with the benefit of hindsight, I’m thinking she probably shouldn’t have cheated.

You seem to have your head on straight. I liked this part

She's clearly not the person I thought she was

that tells me that you know her infidelity was about her flaws, not yours. That’s a critical thing to keep in mind.

Sorry you are suffering Soon2B.

It's worth noting that you are right, if she stays with you there is no guarantee reconciliation will work. But by the same token if she leaves there is no guarantee things will work with the AP or the start up.

Really appreciate all the responses here so far. Trust me, both of us acknowledge that this mess is completely her doing. (Though I have internalized things I could do better in my next relationship -- even if that's with my current wife.)

@Lostinmarriage, no, as I understand it AP is separated from his ex-wife and has grown children. I haven't asked for any more details than that.

About the uncertainty of successful R, I've already made it clear to her that I'm not even going to engage with the idea of reconciliation until I'm certain the affair is over. In our most recent conversations, and despite her appearing distraught about the consequences of blowing up our family, it seems she's not willing to abandon her company. Let's see what happens next week when we really start talking details about separation/divorce...

And @Letmebefrank, this line cracked me up. #understatement

You know, with the benefit of hindsight, I’m thinking she probably shouldn’t have cheated.

Who says she should leave? Why can’t the AP be thrown out one way or another?

Is their affair a conflict for the company?

no, as I understand it AP is separated from his ex-wife and has grown children.

What’s your source for this? If it’s what he’s told your wayward wife then your source is a liar filtered through another liar.

I’m not sure if AP leaves contact would cease. As the co-founder I seriously doubt he will walk away completely.

Obviously there is no chance of a re-org where the cheaters never interact. And if travel is in their future then there is going to be on-going issues no matter what she tells you.

I think you are doing what is best for you & your future. You recognize what is a deal breaker and refuse to give in (as you know it won’t work). It is up to you to decide what is your next step and how long it will be before you go down that road.

Your wife is showing you who she is and what is MOST important. Her career. You have seen her actions — and what she is NOT willing to do.

My question is — IF she decides to leave the company, just to please you, will she harbor resentment towards you and hold it over your head? Will she feel as though "she gave up everything" but have deep regrets? Because if she might that will undermine R and your marriage down the line.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:54 PM, Monday, August 3rd]

During our R I never told my H what to do or not do. He wanted to R at dday2 but I wanted to D.

He started making changes that 13 years later he doesn’t resent. They were his idea. He recognized the mistakes he made in our marriage and made every effort to make amends.

Because these changes were his idea is why I believe there has not been any regret on his part. If he didn’t want to make changes - he could have done that. And I could have D him.

No one made demands or forced him into anything. But he knew what was expected and he knew what was required to stop the D from happening.

And he willingly accepted it.

I hope your will too.