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Skills I am trying to Master

I listed these out as a reminder list for me.

Obviously this is all a work in progress!

I'm curious to know if there is anything substantial missing from you guys opinions. Help Me Complete / Curate the List

Here it is so far:

1. Time-Outs

Pause when either of you is triggered.

Clingers: Practice self-soothing. Switch to other sources of connection (friend, walk, journal) — without guilt.

Avoiders: Call the time-out before shutting down. Say: "I need a break. I’ll come back at 3:30." Keep that promise.

Repair Attempts: Normalize resets: "I think we’re off track. Can we start over?" Use this before things escalate.

2. Mirroring = Thought Empathy: "Send, Mirror, Check, Pull"

Let the sender speak fully. The receiver mirrors exactly what they heard, checks for accuracy ("Did I get that right?"), then asks: "Please Tell Me More About That"

Match the slower person’s pace. No rushing.

Speak less . Listen More.

3. DISARM, PREVALIDATE and Validate / Feeling

Start with: "You might have a good point there" or "You're right that I do xyz"

Then name their emotion: "I can imagine you’re feeling hurt because I canceled plans again."

Inquiry: "Tell me how you're feeling?"

Not agreement but acknowledgment.

4. "I Feel" vs. "I Think"

✅ "I feel sad." (True emotion)

❌ "I feel ignored." (Thought/accusation) →

Rephrase: "I feel lonely when we don’t talk at night."

Tune in daily to own body. Name the feeling, not the story.

5. Opinions = "I Think"

Say: "I think…" or "I believe…" — never absolute truths.

This leaves space for their truth. No "You always" or "You never."

6. SHARE EVERYTHING

No Omissions, No Avoidance

Share hard truths — with care.

Ask: "Can I share something vulnerable?" Then use the tools.

Make it safe: stay calm, don’t interrupt.

If they’re sharing, your job is to listen not fix.

7. Daily Appreciation

Name what you admire — specific, real, small.

"I loved how you laughed at dinner."

Revisit happy memories.

Gratitude builds emotional credit.

8. Fairness ≠ Resentment

Take turns. Both must say "fair" — but dig deeper:

"Are you saying yes because you want to, or because you’re afraid to say no?"

Self-care isn’t selfish. Hobbies, space, rest are non-negotiable.

9. Emotional Fitness

Use CBT to manage anxiety/depression.

Sit with discomfort. Name it: "This is anxiety. It’s here to protect me."

Cry when needed.

Self-compassion > self-criticism.

10. Physical Connection

Hold hands. Hug. Initiate touch — even small. Reach out with your hand.

If you need a hug: "Can I have a hug?" Make it long.

Affection rebuilds safety.

11. Repair with Apology

Apologize specifically: "I’m sorry I raised my voice — it scared you, and that wasn’t okay."

Accept apologies with: "Thank you for saying that. I accept your apology."

No "but."

12. Weekly Check-In (10 mins)

"How are we doing?"

Mirror. Validate. Appreciate.

Preventive care for connection.

Application:

TRIGGER TYPES AND THEIR TREATMENT:

1. Nervous system triggers (fight, flight, freeze)

Signs: raised voice, racing heart, shutdown, inability to think clearly.

Best response: regulate first. Take a break, breathe, walk, lower arousal. Don't try to solve the problem while either person is flooded.

SKILL 1

2.Attachment triggers (fear of rejection, abandonment, not being important) - Betrayal trauma sits here

Signs: "You don't love me," "You're pulling away," clinging or pursuing.

Best response: reassurance plus boundaries. For example: "I love you. I'm not leaving. I need 30 minutes to calm down, then I'll come back."

SKILL 1, 10

3.Old wound or trauma triggers (Betrayal Trauma sits here too)

Signs: the reaction is much bigger than the current situation.

Best response: acknowledge the feeling without agreeing that the current partner caused all of it.

Curiosity helps: "This seems to have touched something really painful."

SKILLS 2, 3, 4

4.Values or boundary triggers (Betrayal in this category)

Signs: a genuine violation such as lying, insults, broken promises, or disrespect.

Best response: don't just soothe the emotion. Address the behaviour, repair the breach, and rebuild trust.

SKILL 6, 8, 9, 11

Habit or preference triggers

Signs: irritation about dishes, lateness, noise, etc.

Best response: practical problem-solving rather than deep emotional processing.

BRAINSTORMING SKILL but uses SKILL 5 plus 2-4

RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE

SKILLS 6, 7, 8, 10, 12

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 1:15 PM, Monday, June 29th]

Ah, I knew it was you.

Maybe it's just my trauma talking, but some of these things read a bit... slippery to me. Like easy to misuse

First off, I'm curious about when you're thinking these principles are applicable. After one partner has fundamentally betrayed the other, there may well be times when the BS doesn't give a fat damn about reflecting and mirroring and accepting apologies. Is there an expectation that these are ground rules for both partners, or is this a guide for the WS only?

Second, I have an issue with always validating and saying "you're right." Sometimes, people are wrong. Even betrayed spouses can be wrong. Being cheated on doesn't confer a cloak of infallibility.

You can understand and even accept bad behavior from someone you have wronged, but that's not the same as validating the behavior itself. Authenticity is the cornerstone of rebuilding trust. Be honest. All people do not, in fact, make sense all the time. "You're right" indicates agreement, not acknowledgement.

I was also wondering if these things were meant to go both ways. That's the impression I got from the original post.

"You're right" indicates agreement, not acknowledgement.

Yup. "I hear what you're saying" or "I understand why you feel that way" would be better for acknowledgement. Sometimes our thoughts and emotions are unreasonable, disproportionate, or based off of incorrect information about the reality of a situation. It's okay to recognize that and work through it, whether in conversation with your BS or elsewhere... But "all people make sense all the time" removes any anchor to objectivity we might otherwise maintain.

This is a guide for Waywards. BPs can develop their own!! Hence posting it here and not in General!

As for the comment "You're right" - this is meant more in the sense of pushing you to find at least a grain of truth in what the other person is telling you. Of course no one is 100% right but in most discussions it helps to push you to default in accepting some of the other's person's viewpoint.

It's just a "reminder phrase". I like reminder phrases that are short and flashy and easy to remember because they help keep the ship on course when my brain gets overheated.

I adapted it moderate the phrase.

I hear that the List is too simple.

Yes. This could be fleshed out in many directions. It is meant as a simplified reminder list.

Obviously another point is you use it regardless of how the other person acts.

If they are triggered and can't mirror you, you mirror them regardless. That way one person can stay calm and progress can be made.

It has been useful to me with my kids. They share more with when I am consistent with these behaviours.

It's a lifelong practice especially when you've been down the wayward path. I know for sure I had no clue about Explicit skills in relating as a younger person.

Work related training courses would scratch the surface. I found after blowing up my house and getting serious about rebuilding my life I really wanted to dig deep and find out what "worked".

Applying what works is really A Fake It Until You Make It process for me (especially as a Wayward). Obviously I had poor skills and that got me to where I was.

I am learning to embrace the whole of me because I am not only a Wayward/Cheater but an Avid Learner.

Finally I keep in mind that I can doing all these things but if it's not coming across as caring and loving (which is measured by the other person's feelings) then no skills list in the world is going make anyone enjoy relating to me.

I added a section on Trigger Types and How the Skills could be used for different types because I have noticed myself over time that some behaviours soothe better than others depending on the particular combination.

Like yesterday whilst using Skill 6 there was a mutual Triggering set up. They had Old wounds trigger and I listened carefully and stayed curious, Skills 2 -4. This unfortunately set off attachment trigger in me due to certain words they used plus some Old Wounds.

After some time I decided to use Skill 1 and we moved to another topic but Repair was not complete.

To lett them know what I needed to repair I later on I used a mix of Skills 3 , 4 and 5 in a letter.

This morning after the letter was read I got more Skill 10 back. No talking was required because Skill 10 was enough.

Looking back on this process which took several hours I notice a lot of energy was spent. It was not very comfortable at times. However some real progress got made.

There was no Good Guy or Bad Guy. The Betrayal was not centre of the situation but issues.

[This message edited by BoiledEggs at 1:30 PM, Monday, June 29th]