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I just found out on my own that my H has been cheating with his physical therapist. I originally found the retainer deposit for a divorce attorney on his computer and didn’t know about the affair on May 29th. I wasn’t looking, accidentally found it. We went to the park on May 30th and talked about how he’s been thinking about D for years and have been trying to make it work off and on for years. Said I never give him attention, he always maws the first move? and when he does, it feels like I don’t really want him. That we have a hard time making conversation and that I don’t like his friends and family. That we don’t fit. Been married for 20 years and have 3 grown kids that are amazing. After talking at the park, we agreed to go for the D because I don’t want to be with anyone that doesn’t want to be with me.

On May 31st, I was sitting at his desk and noticed two pieces of paper each taped up, but I can see my name through one of them. I opened the documents and saw that he was comparing me and this other woman since February. How he was "early dating" her. I then started noticing how he has been coming home very late and spends at least 2 hours 2x a week at pt. I didn’t think anything of it because I trusted him.

On June 1st I fired a big long text to him while I was at work. Talking about how he cheated on me with the ot and how he is not a good person. That his reasons for wanting to leave were so easily resolved if he communicated better.

I came home and we talked about my text and about our relationship more . After spending two hours at the park and then another 4 hours at home talking about it more, he realized that he may have not known the full reason as to why I couldn’t give him everything he needed. He said he was very sad and borderline depressed be causes he was so unhappy in the marriage. He couldn’t tell me he wanted the divorce sooner because there was so much going on in our home life. He was just waiting for the right time. But he decided for sure in March before he told the PT he was interested in her and gave her a kiss on March 19 after pt ended. They stayed late 30 minutes after pt ended to have so called "mini dates" where they talked and made out. Never had full blown S.

As you can tell by all the exact dates, he has since wanted to seek counseling to fix our problem because he had new information as to why I couldn’t give him everything he needed in a relationship. He filled out a timeline of the affair and we’re supposed to go to court his Friday.

Currently I vein more affectionate, making the first move and starting conversations. He’s now telling me where he’s going and answering all my questions about the OW over and over and in explicit details as I ask them.

I am trying and I know the reasons why he even entertained another woman. The reason the relationship ended was because she didn’t want to go to another relationship because she thought it would hurt her oldest twin girls because she is on her third marriage and her two oldest kids are already damaged enough from her past relationships. I can’t get over the feeling that maybe we wouldn’t be reconciling has she said yes.

We go round and round about if he was happy he wouldn’t have wanted a divorce and pursued her. He sought counseling and made sure to keep both things very separate that he really wanted the divorce outside independent of his feelings for the PT. That it was just the timings of everything of how things went he is not proud of.

Sorry for rambling? but I keep thinking about their relationship and the OT woman. I’m trying to work with him to see if this relationship is repairable because we both are scared of putting more time into something that is not meant to be.

On my way out, just want you to know you are heard.

Sounds like he is blaming YOU for him cheating, nope, it is all on him.

BTW, the PT can be fired because it could be a violation of professional ethics.....

Understand cheaters lie and minimize, it may be likely that they had sex, just putting it out there..

I hope he has stopped physical therapy with this woman. He can never have contact with her again, no phone calls, texts, social media, please stay vigilant and ask him for access to everything...including emails and phone.

Honestly, if it were me, I would contact her employer.

In the meantime, find a good therapist for yourself to help walk you through this nightmare. Meet with your MD for temporary medications if you are having difficulty coping or sleeping.

Also, you are correct, if he was so miserable, he could have communicated his feelings to you...instead he chose to cheat.

Marriage counseling should be put on hold for now, both of you need individual counselors, the marriage didn't cheat, he did.

Also, seek support of TRUSTED family/friends/clergy if you are so inclined.

He should be making every attempt to help you heal, a good start is a book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair.

If it was true he would first divorce you, or at least be clear is over, then date.

He hasn’t done anything like that.

Put simply he is just a cheater and like usual sets the tone and the scene so he can blame you for his being a piece of shit.

Is called blame shifting, likely some gaslighting will accompany it.

You have been betrayed and he claims to be the victim here.

Nothing new about this, they do it all the time.

Is manipulation and it worked.

We are here for you, in case you want help to navigate this trauma and prevent him to destroy you even more (because he will).

You have been heard

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:28 PM, Monday, June 8th]

I think your husband is full of shit. What he told you sounds like standard cheater speak. Oh, it's all your fault, you don't communicate...."my wife doesn't understand me"....it's a version of that. If I understand you right, he's cheating with a married woman on her THIRD MARRIAGE with 2 kids and he thinks that's okay? That does not sound like any great romance with a woman who understands him or any other man. That sounds like opportunity knocked. It doesn't sound like you are too thrilled with how things were working out even before this. My guess is, this is not his first time. He had the cheater speak at the ready and like I say....this woman sounds like easy pickings.
If this were me, I'd get an STD test and move on with the divorce. Call his bluff. My gut feeling is that you are a strong woman and you can do better on your own or find someone else if you wish. And if you want to get back together with him, you can do that later too. I know I'm blunt, but I call it the way I see it. I think you can do better and I don't think you should take any shit off him. And don't take this "I'm depressed" bullshit. Everybody's depressed - look at what's going on in the world. If we WEREN'T depressed, we'd be crazy.