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24 years ago when my husband and I first started talking (unofficially dating and having sex regularly for several months), a friend of mine pulled me aside and told me that he had sex with a different friend of ours. I confronted him and he admitted it but said that we weren't officially dating and he didn't know I liked him like that. He said that his encounter with her was a drunken accident and he couldn't really remember how it happened.I was 17 and he was 20 when it happened. I didn't talk to him for about a week but eventually took his call. He wanted to be with me and I really did like him, so we got back together. I got pregnant about 3 months later, we have 2 sons and we've been happily married for 21 years. Just this last November, my husband was talking poorly about a man he works with that was cheating on his wife. I snapped at him and told him that he cheated on me and it sparked this terrible PTSD about that time 24 years ago. I started remembering things and questioning him and all of his answers changed into a new, terrible version of what I had previously thought. Not only was the sex with my friend 24 years ago not an accident, it was something that he had planned and tried to conquer for weeks behind my back. He actually went to pick my friend up on a date the night he had sex with her. He had met up with her on other nights and made out with her on several occasions as well. He took her to his mom's house where I had always been with him and lied about the whole thing. He says that he wasn't attracted to her and he didn't even like her but that a demon told him to do it. I asked him what other affairs or sex partners he had had in the past and he disclosed that he had a year long relationship with a 23 year old woman he worked with and had sex with her over 100 times. He also says he had sex with a woman who he can't remember her name but he says she was friends with the 23 year old. He says he didn't have any feelings for those women either and that he wasn't attracted to them either. I feel so cheated and just plain gross. Who is this man I'm married to? I still feel like there's things he's not telling me about all of the women. How can I stop thinking about it. It's like an ugly movie that keeps playing over and over and over again. He keeps saying I'm a lunatic and that it happened 24 years ago and that he loves me. He says he was trying to push me away back them because he was scared of commitment. He has been a wonderful husband. Why does this feel like he is cheating on me now? I am hurt and depression is real. How can I move past this? I truly love my husband and I believe he's sorry.

Hi Unofficial,

I’m so sorry you’re here and in so much pain. Can you clarify when the relationships with the 23 year old and her friend occurred? Was it after you’d gotten married?

In the meantime, breathe. Take care of yourself physically: stay active, exercise if you can, or just go for a walk. Make sure you eat regularly. You probably have no appetite, but you have to eat. Drink protein shakes if you must. Stay hydrated. If you’re having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor about getting some sleep aids. Consider asking for anti-anxiety medicine or anti-depressants if you need them.

You should be seeing a therapist to help you work through this, ideally one who specializes in betrayal trauma.

Part of what’s happening here is that for him it was 24 years ago, but for you, with all this new information, it’s like it happened yesterday. He’s had 24 years to process this and come to some understanding. You have only had a few months. He needs to stop calling you a lunatic immediately if not sooner.

On top of that, you’re having trouble believing him, and with reason. People don’t usually have sex with people they aren’t attracted to. Almost no one has sex with someone over 100 times for a year if they aren’t attracted, and it’s equally hard to believe there were no feelings involved.

Regarding the mind movies: here’s an article from the healing library that can help you. There’s loads of other good stuff there too that can help: https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

Finally, you don’t just "move past this". It takes work and time. Keep posting here, this is a great community who can help, and there are many here who have reconciled successfully.