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We are coming up on being married for 20 years and I am struggling so hard with it. Since D day we have acknowledged our anniversary publicly because no one else knows but our celebration has been different and I have fully decided what I honestly what it to be. We have a trip planned this year and I thought I would be at a place of forgiveness but I’m not there and he knows that, we are in a good place with trust, being completely transparent and talk freely about where I am at anytime I want to. I have told him I am not sure what I want this trip to be or our anniversary to be, if anything and he is open for it to be whatever I am comfortable with. I ha e considered celebrating a different day? I don’t want to renew our vows because I didn’t break mine but I am very happy with our marriage now and would like to acknowledge that but not sure on the date that we made the vows he broke. I would love to know how other couples that have successfully reconciled handled their anniversary.

I didn’t reconcile so I do celebrate e every single occurrence except anniversaries.

I do poke fun "celebrations " for the dates of her betrayals, those are the anniversary ones if you want to stretch it. But the kind of gift for those is a night out for me with closing my phone or a condom for her with a card "don’t bring stds home", tops.

However the simple reason is this: celebrate what is meaningful for You.

If you feel your wayward changed and made up for his sexual and emotional abuse of You, and you are still thankful that you met and married this person, by all means celebrate.

If he means something positive for you, if you rebuilt a new relationship and are happy no matter the wounds, by all means.

That calls for a celebration.

Follow your feelings, that’s always the best compass.

We were married 25 years during my H’s affair. He made a big deal out of celebrating it and then saw the OW a few days later. And talked to her often during the time of our anniversary. 😡😡😡

For years I barely wanted to acknowledge our anniversary because of the triggers it caused me.

Now I just keep it simple. I never did celebrate in a big way with fancy dinners or big trips — I always preferred it to be something simple.

It took me years to be excited for it again — but now I am and it’s all good.

I found during the first years of R I would be more anxious in the days leading up to the anniversary. On the day of the anniversary I was usually in a much better mood than I expected.

We didn’t celebrate them that much really to begin with before the affair. My husband traveled a lot for many years of our marriage and there were many times we were not even together on our anniversary. We would get each other cards and go to dinner if he was in town.

He rarely buys cards for me anymore, I can’t remember the last time for any holiday. I am unclear of why, but I have pretty much stopped that as well. It’s hard to explain but I don’t feel there is any animosity about it. Like I don’t feel like I lost a privelqge for bad behavior. I think it was a practice that he didn’t enjoy in the first place and after the affairs we both kind of stopped doing anything we didn’t really feel like doing.

We do acknowledge it- we wake up and kiss and hug and tell each other happy anniversary and that’s about the extent of it.

That sounds bleak, but we have a very loving relationship and say words of appreciation pretty much every day. We are affectionate and love being together. We both make efforts all the time to take good care of ourselves and each other.

So I would say for us holidays for the most part are not of high importance. This coming anniversary is a milestone and we do have a major trip planned. We are thankful that we have stayed married and all we have accomplished together as husband and wife, business partner, co-parents, and we both agree our union made our lives better even with the bad years mixed in.

What I am trying to say is don’t force anything. These rituals may be more important to the two of you than for us, and if that’s the case make your way back even if it’s not this year. However it ends up through the course of time just make sure to do what feels right and works for the two of you. Your relationship doesn’t have to be the way everyone else’s is for it to be fulfilling. Don’t feel pressure towards any direction, because the most authentic each of you can be will help guide the path for appreciating the uniqueness of your relationship. And in time I think you might find an exhale.

I feel like the post A marriage has been about building something new and authentic, and I sort of like that gives both of us permission to never feel pressure to do things we don’t feel like doing, and it leaves room for so many things we do feel like doing. It’s relaxed, and not so full of unnecessary expectations that society says are important.