SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I've shared a few times my situation, my grievances, updated on the progress of our journey.

Uncertainty is still at the helm, anxiety, fear and insecurity are still very present.

The last time I posted, I talked about my insecurities, specially surrounding a close friend (who coincidentally came back into the picture as the marriage started to drift apart.

Now, through some crisis, and big arguments, some of which brought out some ugly discussions and truths, that, regardless of the emotional drain, needed to be said, I have come finally to fully embrace and accept. As I said before, I chose to believe my partner and fully trust her. She has given me no reason not to do so, ever. And has given me the grace to try and see if there is a possibility of reconciliation, even after all my shortcomings and failures.

But this is not the main issue here. Through all this process, I noticed my grief, my shame, my anxiety, my then jealousy, my fears and my pain, took the main stage. I was so caught in this that I forgot to give my wife the space she needs, she DESERVES, I OWE HER.

I have already taken full notice of this, I have brought it up, apologised for my egoistical stance in these last couple of months, and am already taking steps to rectify it.

Sure, I needed to work through some stuff, we both did, but I could have done so in the background, or at the very least, do so displacing her own needs much less.

I was being sincere, my feelings and struggles were and still are no less great. But I certainly gained clarity, specially after our last bump in this road towards (maybe) a possible reconciliation.

So I am here to remind you. It is ok to suffer, to have doubts, fears, pain, to be sincerely and painfully repenting, to buckle or even come close to breaking (and sometimes do so) under the weight of it all. But remember, your partner has carried a much heavier burden, and sometimes for longer, and has done so (maybe) much more stoically so.

My focus will still be greatly on my own work, as I MUST become a person I am proud of presenting myself us, for my family, for my wife...

But as of now I am also actively doing so in a way that it does not take attention from my partners' needs and healing journey. I am here to help her heal in whatever capacity I can. A large part of that healing is hers to take on, and the outcome, is also greatly dependant on what her heart tells her throughout her journey. But I won´t make it any harder than it needs to be.

I love my wife, and my family. I owe it to them, and I owe it to myself.

Keep growing, but remember it is not entirely about yourselves.

I hope this helps someone out there, who may be as clueless as I am.

Thank you for this space.

Matias

No stop sign, you raised a very interesting behavior:

But this is not the main issue here. Through all this process, I noticed my grief, my shame, my anxiety, my then jealousy, my fears and my pain, took the main stage. I was so caught in this that I forgot to give my wife the space she needs, she DESERVES, I OWE HER.

Come to think of it, after last DDay, she first crashed, was close to me, afraid that no matter how painful it appeared to her that "It does not touch me" (and it did not, to care about it I needed to see her show some real effort in changing).

So earlier she was focused on my feelings, scared because she cannot read my mind and I became a puzzle, this seem to be common for wayward spouses as far as I read.

But at some point everything shifted, while she is still looking for contact with me, it became everything about her, therapy, doubts, fears, feelings....

She is very self centered.

I was not really bothered because I thought while I still ponder if I will still find any will to stay with this woman or to leave her alone with her cheatings, it can only be good that she is focused on her healing and resolve her emotional issues.

But the point you raised is interesting: there is no space for me at all in all this. It's all about her.

Yes, she does talk extensively about her grief, shame (no guilt yet, no true remorse, shame and disgust for herself are the main dish), insecurities, her pain, her anxiety about what I could do, she is terribly jealous of any girl that just dares to look at me (she looks like hypervigilant, a familiar state to me in the past), and any time I go out for my business she is terrified I meet some girl and keep it hidden from her.

Telling her this was never how I worked, or felt in a relationship, serves little to no help.
And again is all self centered.

Best I get where she is remembering if something we hear or watch that she used to like has cheating or affairs in it, she reacts with "I do not want to watch this, I am afraid you will look bad at me", which it does not sound exactly as 'I am caring for your feelings' but more 'I am ashamed and afraid to be judged'.

I thought it was just her case, but here you describe it perfectly too. Is this a part of the healing process for a reforming wayward spouse? Does it pass / switch to another phase? Is it a positive or negative approach?

The OP seems to have noticed something is off, I am curious to know if it's a process that need to be encouraged to go on to the next phase of WS healing or it something that needs to be addressed in therapy?

You have way more experience in this matter, I can just bring a second hand testimony.
Thanks