SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not looking for a whole lot of feedback, just need to unload some baggage. This time of year is rough for me. My Dad who I was estranged from for 30+ years passed away 4 years ago this past week, Dday 1 and Dday 2 are coming up in December and of course all of this occurs during the "most wonderful time of year". Smiling is not easy and I just wonder when that's going to come back. Is it sheer will that's going to do it or will some magical switch just flip and some holiday season in the future all of this pain and angst will be muted. The passing of my father was 4 years ago and the Ddays were 14 and 5 years ago respectively. So if you do the math a significant portion of my 30 year marriage was a lie. It's a constant seesaw, even within a day. This morning was rough and I actively sought my wife out for lunch together to try and improve my mood. She's doing everything she can but getting out of this rut seems impossible at this point. Trigger after trigger after trigger. I mentioned in another post that these damn Hallmark movies that were so harmless previously will now be triggers that I have to navigate due to some of their plotlines. I appreciate so much all of the advice and guidance on here but I just wonder when will the pain lesson to a dull numb vs. the sting I still get. This isn't like 15 yards of mulch needing to be spread where you just put your head down and do it, there's no fire to put out, laundry pile to fold, etc. There's no obvious finish line which, to someone who is wired to need one for most things, makes this seem like insanity. Even raising children you get some key milestones that you can place a finger on: High School Graduation, college (if they choose to go), first adult job, moving out, wedding, etc, etc. Your job as a parent is never done but these milestones give you a feeling of accomplishment. I'm just not getting those right now or maybe I'm just not taking the time to appreciate the small moments that are those "milestones"? Is the fact that we at least talked about this time of year being tough for me a milestone for us? I suppose it is in a way.

You’ve been heard, Bos.

a significant portion of my 30 year marriage was a lie

What does that mean? Is the purpose of your marriage to tell a story?

House of Plane:

I guess what I mean is I didn't get the whole truth until 14 years post Dday1 so 14 years of a 30 year marriage was a house of cards on a foundation of sand. I'm not naive enough to think we all don't tell the white lies, fibs, whatever but to walk through 14 years knowing that behind the scenes an intimate PA had occurred in my mind discounts that portion of the marriage...it's meaningless. I know that sounds harsh but it's a feeling nonetheless. I tossed my wedding ring in a lake, told her our wedding song was now a trigger, photos of us from those 14 years were triggers (behind her smiles was the knowledge of this affair and the lies associated with it). Don't get me wrong, we're rebuilding it but the frustration stems from the fact that putting this behind us "forever", like crossing a finish line in a race is not possible. Many are probably saying "no shit Sherlock" but again I'm just venting as the holidays come upon us and one of my new "anniversary" dates (Dday 1 and 2). There have been acts of kindness by her to start the re-build: An appt with a craft jeweler to make our own new wedding bands, recognizing that with this new knowledge, having alone time is incredibly important to me (previously not recognized...I mentioned in other posts she signed me up for a longstanding goal of mine to learn guitar), etc. I've changed as well, for the better I hope. But, another obvious statement: We didn't ask for any of this and there is no end IMO, only an ability to slowly soften the can dance dangerously close to the line where they say we should take this opportunity to improve. A) Opportunities to improve in marriage should be a group f$cking decision and B) there were other ways to drive improvement besides screwing another guy. That's all...again sorry for the vent. As usual, yesterday was a rough day when I posted and last night into today have been much better. Always a roller coaster that I just want to get off.

[This message edited by Bos491233 at 3:19 PM, Wednesday, November 26th]

Right there with you, Bos.

We have photo albums from that time. She’s smiling and looks happy.

But I know now that she wasn’t happy with me. It was having him in her life that made her happy.

I don’t look at those photos anymore.

Best wishes.

Vent away! I have a many years head start on you and believe me, I know exactly where you’re coming from.

Finding out late is kind of unique because it is such a nut punch to the life narrative, which as you note now has a period where it was "a house of cards on a foundation of sand".

But it also really shows you how important that life narrative is to us in general. And by "important" I mean, it can be a source of joy, but also a pretty big source of suffering. It always makes me think of different quotes…

We organize our pasts to give ourselves orderly and memorable histories...we create dramas and villains and elaborate plots.

and

"Feel the emotional attachment you have to your victim story and become aware of the compulsion to think or talk about it. "

and

What most people don’t realize is that their life story is largely fabricated. It’s not an objective record of what happened but a selective and biased narrative constructed to support their current identity. The same events could be told in countless different ways, emphasizing different aspects and creating completely different meanings.

Even more significantly, much of what we call our experience is actually conceptual rather than immediate. We live primarily in a world of thoughts, interpretations, meanings, and stories rather than direct contact with what is actually occurring in the present moment. This conceptual overlay becomes so thick that we lose contact with immediate reality.

and

…dropping our life story is one of the most effective ways to create immediate transformation. Without the historical context that defines who we are, we become free to experience ourselves fresh in each moment. This doesn’t mean forgetting the past but rather stopping the unconscious process of using the past to define and limit our present experience.

The exercise of releasing one’s life story can be temporarily disorienting but ultimately liberating. It reveals how much of our suffering and limitation is self-created through the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what our experiences mean.

None of the above makes your wife’s affair not suck, but it does offer maybe some avenues to chill the pain.

You’ve been heard, BOS!

I’m sorry your life has been filled with so much pain.

Dday2 was during the holidays and then a close family member passed a few days later. I remember just walking around in a daze for so long.

Being 12+ years out from that year — I can look back and give you only the benefit of my experience.

First - healing is slow unfortunately. And the lion’s share is in you. The cheater can only do so much and the rest is on you to heal yourself.

Second— I decided I was t going to let the affair overshadow the rest of my life. If I spend a minute or hour or day thinking of it, I’ve given in to letting it take over and cause unhappiness. And IMO the OW would love for me to be very unhappy and still thinking of her. I can’t erase the past but I don’t have to let it ruin my day.

Third - life is short. I decided my #1 goal in life is to find happiness. Each Ave every day to the best of my ability. I don’t argue with people, I don’t let petty things get to me, I avoid toxic situations AND I try to live each day with some good intentions and positive energy. I worry about very little and take life as it comes.

And lastly I made sure I got to a place where I am good with or without my H. If he cheated again - it’s not a discussion. It’s immediate D. And he knows that. And my life would continue on — just not with him. I would be sad - but not devastated.

It’s a mid shift and a constant reminder that people can hurt us, but we don’t have to remain in "that place".

Be thankful for what you have and choose your own path in life. If your marriage survives it, great! If not, then unfortunately that is the fall out from people choosing to cheat.