SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out in February 2024.

In January 2023, she told me she didn't love me anymore. She said I didn't have to move out until August when our tenancy was up. We have a child together so it made sense to make it as easy for them as possible.
A couple weeks go by and she said she'd give it another chance.

We wasn't officially together but we shared a bed and was still sleeping together, having days out etc.

She hit a bad depression in November 2023, unbeknown to me she had caught herpes from a guy at work.

I told her in February that I know we're over but I'd be there for her through the depression, that she wasn't alone and me and our young daughter need her to get through it.

A week later she bought a new phone, I don't know why by I snooped through her old phones photos. I didn't have any suspicions I was just being nosey.

I found nudes she had taken that weren't for me. I confronted her immediately and she first told me she took them for me but then changed her mind, after I told her I don't believe her she told me she'd kissed someone at work and they were for him.

I text her best friend and told her what I'd found and pretended that I knew she was sleeping with him, she confirmed it by her replies.

Later when she was out, I went through her stuff and found leaflets from a sexual health clinic. She had herpes. She'd had it nearly 6 months by the time I found out and that was why she was depressed.

Within a month she had stopped seeing the guy but I'd found out she had been having phone sex with another guy at work before him that started in 2019.

She had also tried contacting sugar daddys online and tried making money from sexting etc.

She also set up an onlyfans but from what I can tell it was never used.

After I found all of this out I told her we were finished, but I would help her get through the depression. We've got a 6 year old and I thought it'll be the right thing to do. I could grieve after.

She tried taking 5 overdoses throughout 2024, she told me she'd seen a different side to me and she said she's fallen in love with me again.

I don't love her, I don't hate her. I just want her to be well and be a good mum to our daughter.
She thinks we're working on things but I'm almost 100% sure that I won't get over this and the best thing for me is to move out and just be a good dad.

We stopped sleeping together because I couldn't until I knew everything and also I don't want to catch herpes.

All I ever think about is that I want to get revenge on the guy she cheated with. My rational self knows it's not his fault 100% but the majority of me doesn't care. But hopefully I'll get over that by thinking about how it'll affect my daughter. She needs me more than anyone.

It's almost been a year since I found out everything. It's been on my mind everyday.

It has got slightly easier but it's a slow process.

If anyone is going through something similar then I warn you it's going to be the hardest thing you've dealt with, but you have to know that it will get better. It takes time.

My plan is to move out, I know most will say its best to leave now but I'm staying to be there for my daughter and in a strange way her mum too.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. It is the worst pain. I hope you're taking care of your health.

We have some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons that aren't pinned. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great resources.

Frankly, it sounds like she's a serial cheater and they're notoriously bad at digging in to do the work to change to become a better partner. Not saying it couldn't happen, but it's extremely rare. By removing yourself from the relationship, you're protecting you and your DD (darling daughter).

Are you in IC (individual counseling)? My second IC was with a therapist who had specialized training in betrayal trauma, and was so helpful in my healing path. It takes approximately 2-5 years to heal. It isn't linear and can be one step forward and two steps back. It was at about the 3-year mark before I felt like I was going to make it through.

Maybe take up boxing or kickboxing & think of your target at the AP (affair partner)? Other people have taken a bat to dishes (or freeze water in paper plates and use the ice for target practice), go to a putting range and pretend the ball is the AP's head.... Something to help you release the anger is a safe way so that you can be there for your DD and not end up incarcerated for beating AP into a pulp. I get the anger, though.

I went through the same thing, projecting the lion’s share of my anger on the AP. I knew intellectually that my wife was the one who violated her duties but emotionally I was much happier punishing him. At the time, I was grieving the loss of the marriage and was still in denial, hoping that it would all go away and we could be the happy couple I thought we were. That’s not to say that the AP did me no harm. He intentionally inserted himself into my marriage and tried to take my place. My Dday was 29 years ago and I am in my 70’s but if he were to agree to a fist fight, I would be delighted to engage in mutual combat. Back in the real world, I now hit the heavy bag at the gym. BTW, I think that leafields probably meant the driving range rather than the putting range. I tried the driving range. Sprayed balls all over the place and endangered earthworms in front of the tee box. I could not help over-swinging. Exercising to exhaustion was better for me, plus it helped me sleep and got me in better shape.

Josh, I totally get you. You are not alone and you are not crazy. Pretty much everyone on this site understands and supports you. Be well.