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This has been an issue for me. There are times that I just do something that doesn’t put her first. Some background: I had a PA with a since-gone employee and an EA with an employee whose days are numbered.

Some recent examples: when my wife asked me if I was planning on doing Secret Santa this year for my office staff (which is 9 women and 2 men), I said I’d like to because we always have done that. She replied "that’s great…like I want you buying or receiving a gift for/from some other woman". I didn’t present her with options that I would rig it so I would buy/receive for a male or tell her that I wouldn’t participate at all. The damage was done.

Another example: my office always prepares a group birthday card when there is an office birthday. We all put in $5 and the cash goes in the card. I had just finished a couples’ counseling session and walked back into my office with my wife. I was handed the birthday card as I was last to sign. I went to my desk and proceeded to write the card…to a female employee…with my wife standing right in front of me…right after mending some in our counseling. I didn’t let her read it, tell her what I wrote (I told her later I wrote "Happy birthday, thanks for all you do), or let my wife sign the card (she knows all my staff). Lately, she has been more involved in the office and is there more often. I just never thought to let her sign the card or let her read it.

It’s like I was falling back on my habits of doing Secret Santa and signing the cards and not putting my wife first…all which have been habits for years.

What can I do to change my thinking other than just tell myself to change. It doesn’t work for me consistently yet. I need to filter everything through my wife but I haven’t and do some things without even thinking about it. Any tips? Techniques? I need to be more intentional and I’m running out of time!

PHFA - I am going to guess that you have poor boundaries all over the place. You probably think you are making your workplace fun with the secret santa stuff when it may in fact be a bit weird. It's not at all weird (and likely much better) for a boss/supervisor to have some distance from his staff, to keep the professional relationship professional. Why don't you let them do it without you? Let them figure out what level of engagement they want to have with office socializing.

To the more general question of how to build understanding of your wife, why don't you set a timer for yourself and every 20 minutes pause and ask yourself, what is my wife doing right now? What is she thinking and feeling right now? What would she think and feel about what I am doing right now? And check with her to see if you are right (expect to be wrong). When I was learning to pray I would set a timer for myself to get into the habit. I'm a practical person :)

Finally, I'd say I don't totally agree with your premise. You and your wife are a team (actually, that's not right. In a good marriage, or a good family, the spouses are a team. You're not there right now). Something that is good for her, is automatically good for you. Something that is good for you is automatically good for her. Something that is bad for her, is automatically bad for you. etc. Giving her the full truth is good for her, ergo good for you, even if it's painful in the short term. Taking her perspective is good for her and therefore good for you, especially if you learn that you don't do it very well and have a long way to go. For now, she needs all of the attention, but when you are doing better, you can help her learn to take care of you as well. You probably haven't let her do that because you didn't know how or you were ashamed of what you needed. But that is a bit in the future, for now it's best to concentrate on her, and for yourself, don't ask for anything, but start to build self awareness, emotional regulation and distress tolerance.