SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My BS has guided me to SI and I have found it helpful and supportive. She has shared a number of posts from others which have been helpful as I begin to understand the scope and my comprehension of what she’s experiencing. I’m also shocked to hear similarities of my own feelings and circumstances, TT, etc.

I have yet to post, and this is my first.

Me: I am a WH. I am 53 years old, married for 23 year and have 4 kids. I am trying to understand how my actions have brought me to this point in my life. I am in IC (and MC) and need to get to the core of what it is that either I thought I knew about myself or my situation, or why and how I decided to make the poor decisions that have devastated my wife, my family, my job and me. It was beyond selfish and even I cannot reconcile it. I want to change and have to change for not only me, but for those around me. I realize that reconciliation is not an easy path. But I am committed to that journey and to my marriage.

My goal: I am hoping this platform can be a source of guidance, inspiration and solace as I begin this journey.

[This message edited by JPSSurvivingAccount at 8:51 PM, Sunday, March 10th]

Welcome JP

I would encourage you to sit back and really be honest with yourself. Was this behavior really that big of a surprise?

I used to sneer at people who cheated. I was above all of that you see. I was a great guy who would NEVER CHEAT. Only losers cheat.

Except that was me just lying to myself. I had poor boundaries and only really cared about my needs. At some level, all WS are very selfish people who don’t have the introspection and self awareness to really stop and consider what our actions would do to others. Even if we had an inkling of it, we just didn’t care.

I’m glad you found your way here. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever undertaken. You may think of leaving because some of the comments may seem brutal. Certainly some posts may be unhelpful, but there is much wisdom from folks who have been where you are right now. Read the other forums and try to learn what you can.

The best to you.

I follow Dr. Kathy Nickerson on TikTok and I really like some of her content as she talks about affair recovery and there was a recent video that she posted with some data to back it up, most often the wayward spouse is hurting or suffering from something and the affair is something done with the sense of they are in pain and the affair is them seeking out a painkiller, albeit a fucking terrible painkiller as affairs do no such thing...they create more pain.

What was going on in your life around the time your affair maybe started or in the early days. Did something big happen at work? Did something happen to someone close to you, like family death or the death of a friend? I mentioned work, but maybe that big promotion didn't happen and that really set you back...I mean, only you have a sense of these events, but those are just a few examples that I think we need to consider. That is not to say that they are excuses for the affair, but it is also letting us analyze our decision making around that time. If it often said that by betrayed spouses that their wayward was "a different person" or "it was an invasion of the body snatchers" and that is because in some ways, a wayward becomes a different person for their AP and the compartmentalize the shit out of those two lives that they create when they start an affair. Those two divergent people have to collide when discovery happens and it can be quite shattering for a wayward, because that massive mindfuck is happening and oh by the way, all those endorphins and hormones that rushed to your brain (to dull your pain initially) are no longer coming in because you are full no contact with the AP and they really made those hormones pop, which is why we often say that affairs very much mirror addiction, in my humble opinion, I believe they are all one-in the same responses to trauma.

All of this is not to say that you are not responsible for your actions, but part of your healing journey is a wayward is understanding what was your pain trigger that started you down the path and you can start to analyze your decisions made and why you made those decisions and also identify where your boundaries should've been A lot of people through the years have descibed that they started out as genuine friends with someone at work and then pretty soon a boundary here and there is crossed until suddenly there is something like an admission of feelings, a caress, a kiss, etc. and the wayward finds themselves in a full blown affair. So it is important that you go through those moments, analyze them in your head, think back to what you were thinking/feeling in those moments.

I am trying not to hijack this post.
Going for 13 years I understand Why I did what I did and it all makes sense to me. If I read on the forum and it is like a light bulb, things I could not place in words, and then somebody else describes it and you think - yes that is what I meant.
My problem is trying to get my BS to hear.
I was in a bad place and I was selfish and I still love you. He just can not understand. He doesn't understand how can anybody say that you love him and your actions are 100% not on par. Being in a bad place is not good enough.
So, I am actually trying to say that you will find awesome advice on the forum, as mentioned some you would not want to hear but have to - some you just had to hear to make sense.

Good luck and do not give up.