SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by Sentric at 3:38 AM, April 29th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Sentric at 9:38 AM, Thursday, April 29th]

Welcome to SI Sentric,

I would suggest that you start by looking at our "healing library" (link is near the top left of this page), and also check out a book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", which can be found online, either for purchase or for free as a PDF if you search for it. These are the best starting points for most people, and will give you "The basics" of how best to start off.

This forum is comprised of WS's from all walks of life, and at all places in recovery. You can find the support you need here, and the people here have walked in your shoes, and know the landscape. The downside of that is, it means we also know all the excuses. And if you try to bullshit a bullshitter, you'll get called out on it. Not to be mean, but in order to help you move past it so you can actually heal and grow.

Your story is a little complex. If I understand you correctly, it sounds as if both of you had an affair (although I'm unclear if you've proven that with your husband, or just suspect it?) That situation, where both spouses have been unfaithful, is called a "Madhatter" situation. Recovery in a MH situation is complex, but it can happen.

The first thing that really needs to be addressed however is ownership. Ownership of what you have done. A lot of what you wrote seems "excusy". You seem to minimize your part (" I didn't deliberately set out to cheat", "I suffered from vitamin deficiencies", "my husband didn’t try all that much" and so on). I'm not saying these things aren't true, I'm saying that none of them are a reason, or an excuse, justification or cause of infidelity. Short of having a gun being put to your head and forced to cheat, then you made a decision, and took action on it, deliberately. It was a choice.

You didn't mean to have an affair, but you did

Vitimin deficiencies don't cause people to cheat

Your husband not trying, or having his own affair, is a good reason to divorce, but not to cheat

Cheating is always about ourselves, not someone else. People who love themselves, who have self-respect, integrity, healthy boundaries, empathy and so on, do not have affairs, not even because of the damage it might do to another, but moreover, because they will never let themselves sink so low, disrespect themselves so much, and be someone they cannot respect. We all had choices. We could have talked to our spouses about how we felt. We could have suggested an open marriage. We could have asked for a divorce. We could have asked for a marriage counselor. However, instead, we chose to do the wrong thing. And each of us needs to "own that". Your husband may have cheated and that's another matter, but for now, we need to address you. Until you regain your self-respect and integrity, you cannot begin to heal. This is a journey of self-discovery. Your husband's recovery is his own as well.

For now, please go check out those resources I mentioned, as they will help you to understand where to begin. Keep coming back, as you will find great people here with lots of advice and support. Just remain open-minded and calm, and honest.

Oh, one last thing. I'm very concerned about the "multiple fake emails to forums for fun" thing. I'll be honest, I don't really believe that it was not related to infidelity. Fake logins are WS 101. And sadly, even if it is 100% true that it is not related to infidelity, then it means you might like to screw with people by using fake accounts, and well, this being a forum, that doesn't bode well either. Now I'm not sure if you are a person in pain who needs help, or a troll who is bored and here to fuck with people who are already in pain. Do you see how our actions come back to haunt us? How being inauthentic makes us untrustworthy? We lie to ourselves before we lie to others. It's time to get authentic.

I know the general consensus is that if you have more than one email address, you must be cheating. In my case that simply wasn't true. I am a very private person and just wanted anonymity on the internet. However, when I woke up this morning, lying in bed alone, I felt as if MH was talking to me and saying, that like me he had been in a dark place and had acted on the mistaken assumption I was behaving inappropriately on the internet. This has helped me. I have always owned what I did. I did point out in my initial post that I needed to learn how to forgive myself for what I had done. Does that not mean I have taken ownership? That was my sole aim. Unfortunately, one particular vitamin deficiency can cause anxiety, depression and fatigue along with feelings of low self esteem which I already suffered from in bucket loads. I can't see how this, along with menopause issues could not influence one's behaviour. The difficulty for me is that I cannot discuss any of this with MH because he is no longer capable of lucid conversation. Some of the pain comes from the fact that had I known about his concerns earlier, we could have sorted it out, but now that I have found out when it's too late, I can't do anything about it or gain closure.

Hi Sentric,

I would recommend maybe seeing a therapist that could help you move past some of this.

I agree with Daddy Dom, you are not taking accountability for your part of this. I think that might be keys to what you are needing to do in letting go. Taking full accountability and inventory of how it got there did eventually lead me to a better level of acceptance and self compassion. I think if you can get to that point, there will be more of that in your heart towards him as well.

I think it's important to recognize you made these decisions, and while physical intimacy may not have happened, it didn't change the pain or damage - on either of you. You may not have had your dream marriage, but the answer was not to cheat it was to make your needs known and to have boundaries around them.

I think some of the context you gave is okay, but you need to know that validation you were seeking is in essence what he was seeking as well. He probably justified it by avoiding the emotional entanglement and hiring a professional. Instead, he should have made his needs known to you, and if you were physically incapable of P in V sex, then there were other ways to be intimate. He didn't give you that option either.

I had an affair, confessed, and 18 months later he started an affair, 18 months after that I found out. I think some of the work I have done on myself and the situation I created does help me relate to him.

What I learned was my affair was never about him, or our marriage. My affair was about me and my relationship with myself. Being able to 100 percent internalize that helps me to see his affair really was the same way. It was about him, his inability to cope. We both had other options - we could have talked more to each other, recognized our built resentments, we could have gone to counseling. Neither of us chose that, and a world of pain came as a result.

Anyway - my vote is go to therapy and work on your relationship with yourself. It will take some time, but when you recover from the damage you inflicted on yourself by cheating, it will mirror some of the damage he now has caused you too.

I am still mending from my husbands affair, but I do think that it would have been a longer, harder haul had I not dealt with myself prior. At some point, you will likely decide that the life in front of you can still be very meaningful, and there is little that can be done with the life behind you. I do things all the time that brings my mind and keeps it on the present. Only in the present can you find joy. Peace be with you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:51 PM, April 26th (Monday)]

Sentric,

I hear what you are saying in relation to anxiety, depression and fatigue being factors that lead up to what you ultimately did. Often, new Waywards tend to look for excuses and justifications for what they did. I just want to make sure that you don't fall into that trap. It is easy to fall into.

For some background, at the time of my affair, I was diagnosed with severe depression, experiencing complex PTSD, and had recently suffered from a breakdown which resulted in me completely dissassociateing from my self. That led to a later diagnoses of a condition similar to multiple personalities (DID). By all rights, at the time, I could have (and maybe should have) been locked up in a mental treatment facility. I certainly was not in my right mind. And in some cases, I wasn't even "me".

It took a long time for me to understand that, even though I was not in my right mind at the time, that the affair still happened, the lies were still told, the damage was still done, and it was me, right mind or not, that physically had the affair, and that the damage done to my wife and kids, right mind or not, was real, and traumatic to them. It took even longer to understand that, even not in my right mind, that the lack of healthy boundaries, lack of self-respect, and lack of empathy, is really what drove the affair. The mental conditions opened the door, yes, but the person I was inside is what allowed me to walk through it.

The reason I point all this out is because saying something such as:

I can't see how this, along with menopause issues could not influence one's behaviour.

to a betrayed spouse, it will not go over well. To them, it sounds like (because it is) an excuse or justification for doing the wrong thing. I often use the baseball example. If someone throws a baseball through your window, it doesn't really matter if it was accidental or on purpose, either way, they broke the window, and they need to own that, and take steps to make it right, such as paying for it. In the same way, you had the affair, so whether not you were depressed or in menopause, really has nothing to do with the fact that the affair happened, and that your BS is in trauma from it.

I do see you are doing your best to try and own your choices and actions, so please don't take this as an attack. It's just advice, from someone who has been on the road, and fallen into every pothole on the way, trying to save you a few flat tires in your journey.

Thank you, hikingout. You're quite right, it was how I felt at the time and how I feel or felt about myself that caused it. I believe I have owned it as I am trying to find a way to forgive myself and as I said, I look back in horror at what I did and would never do it again, but I was in a very different frame of mind then than I am now. Like you, we didn't have the right conversations and didn't see a counsellor. I did, but MH wasn't interested. I can see all the mistakes I made - why didn't I move the computer into the living room etc? But I can't change anything now and must learn how to rise above it. I know it's going to take time and the stress of this, plus being separated from MH and trying to sell our home so I can move closer to him are having an enormously negative effect on me. I will see a counsellor, but might have to wait a while due to other commitments. Thank you for your input.

You are welcome.

And, honestly some of the language coaching we are giving you is just our standard advice. Since you do not have a betrayed spouse that can take any of this in, the only thing you can focus now is getting healthier and a better outlook for yourself.

But, just like your cheating is on you, HIS is on HIM. You have no idea at all if the email addresses or anything else had anything to do with his cheating. My guess is it didn't. My guess is he saw that intimacy had ceased, thought it was something you couldn't control, and it was something he wasn't done with in his life. I do not think what he did was right, but I am just trying to frame this is a digestable way that his cheating wasn't your fault. And, that might help you shed some of what you are holding on to.

Since counseling may take some time - I would reccomend a couple of things.

Look into meditation. I liked the book "the power of now" because if you can take one mindful breath that is meditation. It will teach you that our thoughts are not truth.

Gratitude practice. So important to healing. Think of 3 things every day that you are thankful for. Not just writing three things down but really reflect on them in your mind and heart. It's been proven with just 21 days of this practice you will experience more joy in your life.

And, while he may not be able to take you in, do you think it would help you to just say all the things on your heart to him? To know you said them outloud?

Actually, every time I visit MH, I make a point of telling him that I've never physically had sex with another man since I married him, but there is more to say. It's difficult in the rest home as there's not much chance of privacy. However, I am hoping to move to the same town soon and take him home for visits where it will be easier to say the other things I want to say. I just hope he remains stable, at least until I get the chance. I have contacted a counsellor since I last posted and will be following that up and practise gratitude and more meditation.

Blessings.