SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first post but I have been reading here for a little over three years since dday in February 2018. I’m a former WW and I was in a LTA for nine years on and off with a MM. Our LTA ran the typical course. We professed love for each other, snuck around and got away as much as we could, made plans for the future- all that fantasy and justification that we were hurting people because we were in “love” . In hindsight, I believe That at the time I was in it as an exit affair. I was lonely and unhappy in my marriage and rather than put in the work I wanted instant gratification and attention. The devastation that I caused to my husband and children still haunts me. Thankfully, my husband chose to forgive me and let me have the chance to be the wife that he deserves. After much individual and marriage counseling I can say that three years later we are happy. The guilt and shame still creep in, but I am doing my best to move forward and not let it cause any further pain to my family or selfish alienation from them.

After dday and for many months after, the OBS was contacting me via email and phone to curse at me. I blocked her but she continued to create new accounts. I caused her this pain and anger and I Knew right away that her pain and anger were my

Cross to bear. I haven’t had any contact from her husband . After a few months after dday her texts and calls stopped , but then a few months later started up again and since then has become a regular thing. I ignore her, and I share every bit of info with my husband, but it’s three years later and the communication has started escalating again. She has signed me up on dating apps and for spam accounts. I know it’s her because I have been able to track the IP address. I do not respond, but I don’t know how long is too long. I know the narrative that AP gave her was not accurate,. He told her the affair lasted so long because I threatened to tell her if he broke it off, which is a lie. Despite her believing that, I understand why she hates me and her anger is valid. Im no victim here. I just don’t know if I stay silent after three years when who knows how long this will continue and wheh dies it cross the line from being angry to stalking? Have any of you dealt with this from OBS?

Your only commitment is your husband. The other BS is hurting. Blaming you but you had no vow to her but her husband did. She is misdirecting her anger on you. Your vow is with your husband. Be honest with him. He is amazing for for giving you a second chance. Let him take the lead on this. It's been 3 yrs. She needs to learn to move forward. Be strong. Love your husband.

Hey NL.

So, its tough to advise here. First I've never been in this spot, and then there's the empathy for her, and her pain. 9 years is such a traumatic blow for such high betrayal. It's likely going to take many years for her to recover.

But, I have empathy for you and your BH. What does he say about it? Maybe, if he's willing, it would be helpful for him to respond to her? Like BS to BS, "I know you are hurting, but I'm asking for the harassment of my wife to please stop" or something like that ya know?

I know I would never want hear from the AP. If he doesn't want to take that on, perhaps he will at least be willing to advise you better knowing the situation so well

I can understand the concern.

I wonder, have you ever responded to apologize? Discuss this with your husband. But, maybe think about drafting something in which there is an apology. But, only do it if it's sincere, from the tone of your post I think it probably would be.

But, at the end of the letter just say something to the effect of:

I do not think I can be of further help to you beyond this point. I am requesting no further contact from you. Please do not force my hand of seeking legal enforcement of this request, as I do not want to continue any further entanglement with you or anyone else in your family.

I am not sure I am giving you the best advice, but I think I am giving you what I would try. I would have to discuss it with my husband, and like foreverlabeled pointed out it may be better for him to just ask and skip everything else. She may never really believe the apology is sincere and may stir things up worse. I just think some people think closure comes from someone else and perhaps if you give her the most logical form of that she may start realizing you do not have what she is seeking.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:37 AM, March 19th (Friday)]

Just here to echo what others said. That's a tough spot to be sure. Bunny burners are everyone's nightmare.

Reaching out to her was my first thought as well if you haven't already. It is unclear from your post if, among all those calls and other things, you ever wrote back? If not, maybe all she really wants is the chance to scream at you. If so, that sounds like possibly a reasonable way out.

But the whole thing about posting your name on dating sites and so forth enters into legal territory. Harassment, stalking maybe...

If you see the harassment as penance of some sort, then you do you. If it were me, I would do as hiking out said. Apologize but threaten legal action, and if she doesn't stop, follow through on it. Having cops show up at her residence might be enough of a "nudge" to get her to leave you alone and go focus on her own marriage.

Thank you all for your replies. After dday I let her vent her anger and apologized for causing her pain, but I think in the whirlwind of events happening at the same time- the anguish and devastation that I caused to our families, the initial shock of realizing how easily OM threw me under the bus in a millisecond after so many years and the disgust I felt for myself, and my actions, for him as co- conspirator- I never thoughtfully said I was truly sorry. Obviously she was in a ton of pain and I didn’t feel I had any right to say stop when she was calling my work, sending things to my home, etc. because I knew I deserved it. I’m afraid now that an apology could disrupt her peace. I’ve heard from betrayed spouses who say they always wanted the apology, and others who say they hope they never hear from the cheater again. I worry she’s volatile and neither do I want to hurt her nor cause an even more visceral response if she doesn’t want to hear from me. I appreciate your thoughts and am going to discuss it more with my husband. The OM never apologized to my husband- in fact they haven’t exchanged one word since dday. I asked my h if he ever wanted or felt he needed to hear OM say sorry and he said no, and that it would bring him back to the pain that has started to lessen. That’s why I’m hesitant to contact her. don’t want to make threats of going to law enforcement, but not knowing what’s next is scary.

I didn’t mean contact her out of the blue I just mean respond to her the next time she harassed you. It sounds like she is not doing it directly though. I would not initiate contact either, only respond. It could be just “please stop doing this. This is connected to your IP address #. I understand why you want to do this but I am requesting no more contact.

I get it I would put up with that too as a natural consequence of my decisions but after some point you are being given no choice. You could go directly to a cease and desist letter.