SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I'm 36, my wife of nearly 14 years is 37 and my daughter is 9.

My wife is heavily involved a particular martial art(winning national competitions and such), she claims there is only one dojo in that she can go to that is any good. The problem is she had a 4 month affair with one of the senior students there. At first I was led to believe it had been a one night stand..and was letting them go to class on alternating days. Now I know she lied and that it was a much more involved affair, with them sometimes skipping class and going to a hotel instead.

I am currently demanding that she discontinue going to this dojo altogether. I cannot handle the worry about whether or not the OM and her are still in contact. This is really hard for her since her Sensei had just invited her to compete in Japan. I would like for her to quit the sport altogether since she will probably see the OM at seminars, conferences, and such (and where she was sexually active with him). This sport has become a pretty important part of her life, giving her self esteem and friends in a state far away from all of our family and childhood friends.

She claims this affair is over. I found out about it because she brought it to my attention when she got pregnant didn't know who the father was...she miscarried a week later (I've never seen her in so much pain as that). The problem is she lied about the depth of the affair...and that she seems to put this sport over our marriage. I feel our marriage will end soon because of my demand of her quitting.

Should I stick to my demand...and risk losing my marriage? Am I being unreasonable? Should I let her work things out with the OM and alternate classes? I think it would drive me insane. I think the affair happened partially because of how much time she had spent bonding with these people, and being away from me. Of course there are other issues in our marriage that she claims was the root..though at first she told me it was nothing I had done. We have been going to counseling often since November. I found out about the affair in late October, and learned the full scope of it on January 25th. I've read about 8 self help books so far trying to heal and fix our marriage....but this sticking point of her not quitting class may end us. I also worry about her giving in only because she is financially dependent on me, meaning she will have to quit either way. I worry if that is the case we will never truly heal because she will resent me for forcing her out of something she loves. I do love her but am truly disgusted with her lies and misguided priorities. She claims to love me still in some form...but mostly we are just trying to stick it out for our daughter. We manage to parent well together I think...though our daughter is starting to feel some effects of our troubles. I would appreciate your opinions on the matter, thanks

(more info, the OM's wife doesn't know about the affair. My counselor advises me not to tell...but it sure would make things easier for me if I could reach out to her. Right now I am resolved not to tell...edit again...they have 2 kids)

[This message edited by Mormegil at 11:20 PM, February 16th (Thursday)]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. That would drive me crazy too. If she's unwilling to do what it takes to make you feel safe, you may need to let go of the marriage. A remorseful spouse would do anything to take care of your heart. I would tell OM's wife. She has the right to know.

To answer your first question, I would ask your wife a question- is the marriage her priority or is martial arts her first priority? That should basically answer whether or not she should quit. Essentially, your safety and comfort should be her first priority right now.

Then I would ask- what are you comfortable with? Would you be ok if she switched dojos? Took 6 months off and reevaluated? Could you become involved with her?

You will find people on here who have had spouses quit jobs, change careers and even move because of an affair, so no, I don't think it is too much to ask. But I think this generally should be something that is compromised on, as you pointed out, you don't want her to resent you so can you find a happy medium?

Second- I would challenge you and your counselor on not telling the other spouse. Why should she be in a marriage where she does not know what is going on? Shouldn't she have the right to make informed decisions on her marriage? If OM cheated once, what's to say he wouldn't do it again, putting her health at risk. Just something to think about...

), she claims there is only one dojo in that she can go to that is any good

with them sometimes skipping class and going to a hotel instead.

How serious can she be if the above was happening?? Obviously the A was "important" enough for her to skip classes of a sport she's heavily involved in, but her marriage isn't important enough for her to change dojo's? I don't think you are being unrealistic. She f-ed up her opportunity to stay at that dojo. Not you. So now she needs to deal with the consequences. You'll find out very quickly how important you are to her. Do not let her manipulate you into allowing her to stay. She will say stuff like "we can't work then because this is important to me and you aren't supporting me", "I told you it is over and that's that, and I'm not giving up the dojo because you can't get your mind wrapped around the fact it's over". DON'T TAKE THIS. IT'S BULLYING. Stand your ground, ultimately as much as she won't admit it, she will respect you for standing your ground.

If you tell the OM's wife the risk of an affair will drop dramatically. That may allow her to stay in the class.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

To answer your question if your wife should leave that dojo.....a resounding yes.

My husband had an affair with a co-worker who lived 3,000 miles across the country, there was no way in hell I'd allow any type of contact ever again.

If you read many of the articles on this site, you will come to understand that NC (no contact) with the affair partner is boundary #1. Ever again, under any circumstances. Please scroll down and find SerJr's Tactical Primer, Boundaries and Consequences for Betrayed Spouses and Before You Say Reconcile, all great resources for newbies. Each is in this forum and has a target icon on the left-hand side.

My husband also is a 7th dan. I can tell you that being involved in karate takes up a great deal of time, it is very detrimental to the spouse and family. My husband owned his own dojo for years, and it had always been a problem in our marriage....too much time away from me and the family. You are right, there is training, conferences, seminars, all where men/women work out together, and then usually at these weekend events there are evening get-togethers, marrieds with marrieds/singles drinking and having a grand old time.

I want to add that my husband trained in karate for 37 years, after this sh*t hit the fan, not only did he find a new job, he sold his dojo.....for me and to begin the process of rebuilding our marriage. So if he can walk away after all those years giving up his life's passion, so can your wife. He gave up all of his martial arts friends as well, some of them he had been friends with since his teen years.

There are plenty of other dojos around, but frankly your wife has boundary issues, I don't think I'd trust her anywhere right now.

As for telling the other spouse, your counselor is dead wrong! The best way to end an affair is to expose it, besides his wife deserves to know she is living a lie, and she may have potential health risks from her wayward husband (STDs). ALL of you need to get tested asap. An ugly consequence of infidelity.

Please find those articles, they are soooo helpful.

Edited to add: I don't want to generalize and say that people become wayard at these events, a good majority of them are fine, but I have found that many women/men in marital arts idolize the instructors, it could set the stage for boundary issues.

[This message edited by annb at 3:56 PM, February 16th (Thursday)]

YOU are not risking the marriage by setting that boundary. YOU are trying to save it. SHE is risking it if she won't agree.

First off, Mormegil, I am sorry that you are here, and had to find a site like this. Infidelity hurts like nothing else, but you have definitely found the right place for support and advice.

Annb couldn't have stated it any better. There is a huge difference between demanding your WW(wayward wife) to quit out of spite, versus having her quit for your personal sanity and security.

Only you know what you can and can not comfortably handle, and unfortunately, your WW risked everything that was good in her life for her own selfish needs. And with these actions come consequences. But I don't mean consequence as punishment---like she may interpret---but as in the fallout that surrounds her affair.

You need to feel safe again in your marriage. Right now, I am assuming that you feel emasculated, decimated, lacking self-esteem, and having zero trust. These are all normal emotions for you to have, and it is not only your unenviable task to pick yourself back up off of the ground to reclaim your life, but it is also your WW's responsibility.

She has to make your marriage safe again---and that starts with removing the elements of trouble.

Of course, she doesn't have to comply with any of this. She can stay at her current dojo with all of her friends, and she can continue the way that she has been. But that does not mean that you have to sit there and take it. You do not have to bear the burden of guilt to have her leave something of importance to her...because she CHOSE the path that she is on. And she CHOSE to allow these consequences to come to the forefront.

There is so much more to tell you, but the other members are going to flood you with advice and support.

So keep posting, and keep reading. Listen to what the others here have to say. I guarantee that you will learn so much more from this site than any book can provide---although they are also an excellent means of advice. But sharing with others who have been down this road...or are going down this road...is like no other.

Good luck, friend. You will get through this mess....with or without her.

She risked the marriage and in my opinion lost her right to go to that dojo if he is also there. It's completely insensitive and selfish of her to think you can live with that.

I say this very gently... if you and your WW stick it out for your daughter's sake, she will know and it will be stressful to her. My parent's stuck it out for us kids, but finally divorced when I was 18. I saw them both miserable my whole childhood, and looking back, it makes me so sad for them. But divorce is hard, too. Both options suck, for lack of a better word, and I feel sad for you and your daughter

OMG annb, that is an amazing story and I thank you for posting it. I'm fighting back tears in my office as I write this. I'm definitely going to stick to my guns. I'm considering telling the OMW tomorrow. I have another thread going on over at LoveShack.org as well where I've posted more info.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question

I have an appointment with my therapist at 8AM tomorrow, I'll probably print some selected posts for her to read (annb, yours will definitely be included in that list!)

Thanks everyone for your replies. It's amazing to see so much support so quickly.

You are not unreasonable at all. This is the only Dojo? Tough shit. She should have thought of that before she had her A.

FWH and I have a classic sailboat that we are 4 years and about $50,000 into restoring. We just got her in shape to cross the Pacific Ocean when he decided it would be a good idea to take his ExWOW out on it for a week. Now I can't even look at pictures of that boat. I've told him that in all probability he will have to sell the boat. We'll be lucky to get $25,000 for it in this market, but that is the price he is going to have to pay for his poor decision making. He isn't very happy about it, but he accepts this as a consequence of his behavior. I'm giving it a little more time to make sure I'm not trying to punish him by making him sell. That boat was very special to me too. It was our first boat together and the only one we'd had that she hadn't been on. Not any more. :(

It would be nice if they were rational and could look at the damage they are doing and the consequences they are making for themselves, but they don't. And we pay the price.

Stick to your guns. You have every right to.

Don't think about contacting the other dude's wife. Would you want to know if she had found out? Don't give your wife any warning about it either. Just do it.

Stick to your guns on the dojo. My son had to stop going to his tae-kwon-do class due to my ex's indiscretions. If she's that good or that committed, she can help bolster a different dojo. You could maybe start going with her - and your daughter. Make it a family thing.

On the Dojo question; She chose her consequences when she chose to betray you. That dojo is out of bounds, as is any dojo or event that includes OM.

On telling the OM's wife; ALWAYS! It is the fastest way to end an affair. It's a dirty little secret and dragging it into the light is the fastest way to kill it. Most likely OM will throw your wife under the bus to save his own hide.

On choices; you can make her choose. You can't make her choose you. Be prepared to follow through if she chooses to be selfish.

Your daughter; she already knows something is wrong. Kids are more sensative to things like this than most people would believe. At 9 years old, though, she may not have the emotional tools to process her feelings about it and may even believe it is in someway her fault. I would suggest counseling for her and with a counselors support she should know where the family stands. She has way more to lose than either of you.

Stand your ground, bro.

Mormegil

You know the correct answer. You have to push past your fear of losing the marriage to POSSIBLY save it. But you know in your heart, you do not have a marriage. You have a wife living in a horrible fantasy world who is a serial cheater with no regard for you and NO RESPECT.

Worse, you are not respecting yourself by tolerating her adulterous fantasy of wanting to be around OM.

Man, it hurts. I know. But at the end of the day, if you do not respect yourself, you are going to hate yourself. And that is not what your little girl needs. She already has one parent with severe problems...

Good luck to you man. You have good advice here. Listen to it. Respect yourself.

Thanks. I plan on standing firm. I'm putting a deadline for March 1st (which we talked about in therapy on Monday).

I hand delivered a packet on the affair to the OMW today. I'm not sure it was the best decision...(see my deliberation over on LoveShack forums) We'll see, there's been no response yet. I gave her a cover letter saying her H had done something hurtful, and that she didn't have to read about it, but I wanted to give her the opportunity. All I said vocally was that I knew her H, and she thanked me as I handed her the material (not having any idea what it was).

[This message edited by Mormegil at 5:54 PM, February 17th (Friday)]

Hi, I read your posts on the other site, this is not your wife's first go-round with infidelity.

Has she been counseling? Is she an attention seeker?

She needs to be an open book. Frankly, if I were you, I'd consult an attorney asap, not to file, but to protect yourself and your daughter.

I also think she lied about the other guy. We have all heard the same BS, only a kiss, blah, blah, blah. Cheaters Handbook, Chapter 1.

So sorry.

BTW, you did the right thing telling the other man's wife. Now she can make decisions for her own life.

Hi Ann, yes, she actually initiated the counseling herself when she first told me about the affair. I've painted a pretty horrible picture, but my W has also done a lot of healing things. Last time (7 years ago) I think what she said was really close to the truth at least. She was really crippled, barely had any time to herself, there's no evidence and I've read gobs of private email from that time. So, I should probably say what I said on the other forum. I got what I came here for, especially with your 1st post ann, that was awesome! It was the first message I showed my therapist, and she liked it. She also said you were lucky, though you might not see it that way ^^. Anyway, point is, there's tons more to this story and it would take me too long to convey it all. I was really suspicious about the previous event for a good while, but am no longer. I don't think she's cheating now. She really does want to make up, but she wants to keep her sport. It's a tough position to be in when she wants to compete internationally...but yeah I need her to put marriage first. That much is clear to everyone on the forums and is why I came here. So I thank everyone for that! :)

I hand delivered a packet on the affair to the OMW today.

I am SO glad you did this. I was afraid that for the third time in 20 minutes, I was going to have to plead with someone to tell and explain yet again how I was not told by the other BS and how that hurt me and my kids.

Thank you, for all the BS's who were not told, for having compassion and understanding that even if she's crying tonight, it's better to find out now than in months or years (or worse yet in my case, for one of the children to find out first and be burdened with that secret.)

I am SO glad you did this. I was afraid that for the third time in 20 minutes, I was going to have to plead with someone to tell and explain yet again how I was not told by the other BS and how that hurt me and my kids.

Thank you, for all the BS's who were not told, for having compassion and understanding that even if she's crying tonight, it's better to find out now than in months or years (or worse yet in my case, for one of the children to find out first and be burdened with that secret.)

Thanks, it's good to hear from someone who was in that place. Now I feel bad for taking so long I've known since late October...though I didn't know the real full story until January 25th. I was able to give a lot more accurate picture today. I still don't know if she even read it. I made the cover letter intentionally vague. I haven't heard anything in response.