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An update

lostbutnotgone posted 10/20/2020 23:22 PM

Hi all,
It's been a very long time since I've posted. My affair happened four years ago. I don't want to get into too many of the sordid details but I want to give perspective for those WS and I am open to BS replying on this well. I had been with my wife for 7 years when my affair happened. I slept with and exchanged thousands of text messages with an old crush from college and thought she was just everything, don't we all when were in the midst of the sugar rush, the high? But I digress. Reader's Digest version...my wife found out and it completely destroyed her. It was the worst decision of my life. I had not only betrayed my wife but hurt my best friend...
Fast forward four years later.. my wife and I are separated and are starting to finalize our divorce. A lot has happened between the affair and our eventual separation (in a span of three years, my parents died, her mom died and we had many close friends leave, whether it was through death or falling out) To be honest... the affair was the beginning of the end. I should have communicated my unhappiness but I didn't and I had a lot of messed ideas about relationships and marriage but that's another story for another day... I acted selfishly, I betrayed my wife's trust and I hurt my best friend. And while my soon to be ex spouse and I are actually still very good friends to this day, a number of the things I said to her post affair and how I acted post affair still cause pain to my soon to be ex wife/good friend. It was very much about my feelings, how I missed the affair partner, how she was terrible and I blamed her for absolutely everything. Shockingly, she stayed with me through all of it and I'm thankful she did, even though our marriage wasn't great or never the same...she was still my best friend and I wanted to try, for her, for me, and well, for us. I was told tonight that she still carries those wounds today. She forgave me years ago but she still harbors the hurt that I caused her.

In time, she says she is willing to come forward with particular things I have said and done that have hurt her and while it guts me to know those wounds are there, I love her and want the best for her in life and don't want her to carry that hurt in her heart anymore, I truly do want to make amends.

Moral of story, don't cheat. I know we are imperfect beings and maybe we did the best we could given what we knew at the time but if you're not happy, communicate with your spouse, even if it means you two will no longer be together, it's better than causing your spouse, potentially years of pain. That's what my infidelity did and I don't wish that on anybody.

As for me? The affair made me grow up. It forced me to look at myself and do the right thing. Do I wish it was something else that would have caused that? Absolutely. But we do better when we know better. It's not an excuse, it's just the truth.

I don't know what else to say except this board helped come off the sugar high of the partner with whom I had an affair and it snapped me out of it and made me realize what a mistake I had truly made. I'm grateful for this forum and thank you all for hearing it. I wish you all well.

Also, shot to Maia's guide...I had printed that out and read it everyday as I was coming down off the affair. Thank you all again and I wish you all nothing but peace and happiness.

Betrayed19 posted 10/21/2020 09:52 AM

lbng -

I am a BS. My WH's AP was his best friend's wife. We had been couple friends since high school and we are now in our 50s. The affair was a year long EA/PA. He says he never even thought about leaving me for her. He just liked how he felt when he was with her and the sex was "dirtier". He calls me his best friend like you call your soon to be ex. Would you have been staying with your wife just as a friend? My fear is that my husband stayed with me so he wouldn't lose his best friend. He admits to having always felt an attraction to her. I deserve to be desired too.. How can I ever feel that way again? Is this how you wife felt?

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