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Here, again.

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RichT posted 10/19/2020 19:44 PM

First of all. an apology if there are grammatical mistakes, English is not my mother tongue its Spanish, that along with the emotional charge of this text, I hope nothing get lost in translation. And Iím sorry if I donít use the abbreviations correctly, I havenít had the time to learn them. And Iím sorry to for the brick of text you are about to read, I hope its not too cringy.

Itís not my first time writing here, some of you maybe remember a threat I open in the Just Found Out forum a year ago approximately (Just Married was the title). I wasnít be able to continue to that thread because, first I lost my password and then I havenít had the energy or the strength to continue writing here or anywhere for that matter. But recently Iíve been lurking here again and I gain confidence to write again, I appreciate this forum a lot! The experience and the advises here are unparalleled to anything.

So hereís the story:

After 11 years of courtship and one year (one year!!) of marriage my wife cheated on me with a malenurse (Im sorry if thats not the proper term) while her mother was on treatment on the hospital. She had intercourse with this person on the hospital, she stayed some nights of the week just to keep monitoring and take care of my MIL, by orders of the hospital only one relative could stay in the room during the night.

So, long story short my wife began to talk with some of the staff, she practically lived there during that 3 months of treatment. But you know, that small talk started to transform and she begun a friendship with this so-called nurse, soon they waited each other to grab a bite a coffee and a conversation (suddenly they will be grabbing much more than a bite). During one of the nights she stayed, they had (unprotected) sex in a supply room there in the hospital, in the same floor her mother was lying in bed tied to an artificial respirator (the nerve of that woman right?). She later told me that, in that particular night her mother had a seizure and she was very vulnerable and the nurse tried to calm her and then he kissed her and one thing led to anotherÖ

I found out when I catch her texting a lot much more with a grin in her face, I tough she was gossip with one of her girlfriends but something was off, I took her phone while she was sleeping and there it was, that dumb woman did not deleted the conversations, thatís when I found out. They were talking to move the party elsewhere the next time they met, she was in fact the one that was pushing more. She even called him honey and she was demanding attention that he cannot deliver because, just to make the things shittier the guy is married with children, and from what my wife told me he even have a child outside the marriage that his wife is not aware of.

You can imagine, when I read that conversation my heart was beating like crazy I had and strange taste in my mouth, my legs were trembling, I couldnít feel my hands, my head was aching and I felted that my eyes were about to pop out, I almost passed out, It was like my body didnít know how to react and the answer was to make every possible reaction, it was a miracle that I didnít piss myself (sorry for the image) BTW, that abnormal heart beat lasted for weeks.
Needless to say I didnít sleep a minute. In the morning she take off to work while I called sick to grab some clothes and some belongings and I headed to a cheap hotel where I stayed for the weekend. Before I leaved I wrote her a letter with my wedding ring on it.
I was a devastated. The love of my life cheated on me.

I donít wanna put so much detail but we have an extreme hysterical bonding when I returned home. I said extreme not just because of the hardcore sex we had but because the emotions were shifting every hour I was horny and then angry and then cryingÖ you get the picture. It was awful and beautiful at the same time. We talked a lot, like 22 hrs a day I became addicted to know everything, everything she had to tell me, everyplace sheís being, who she talking, you name it, we became a wreck.
She still had to go to the hospital but she took the day shift at expense of being away from work some weekdays, that way she wasnít alone. She took the initiative and she confessed herself to the chief of nurses but unfortunately there wasnít any kind of punishment to the nurse, they just place him in another unit and they make him to participate in an ethical and sexual harassment seminar. Thatís all. I couldnít find his wife contact information, I have his number, and I personally went to talk to the hospital but there wasnít response (itís a public healthcare facility I donít know that guys have their unions and truculent stuff going on).
I was thinking to roast him on social media like ďare you the wife of this guy? Heís being cheating on you inside the hospital and he have a 9yo child with a colleague. Be aware!Ē but I desisted.
I went from Hysterial Bonding to mayor depress in a couple of weeks, then sometime after, my MIL passed away so I put my big boy pants and started to being supportive to my wife, but the depression and the sadness were there, lurking.

With the hypervigilance and all I discovered that she had been sexting and sending erotic pictures to her former boss, just months after our wedding. And she told me that one time while she was my girlfriend she kissed another boy in a party or something. I was disgusted. The pictures that I saw still hunts me, they were beautiful pictures, she barely send me anything like that to me, she was always told me that she didnít like how she looked on photographs, but there she was with fantastic model poses and new lingerie just for him.

I gave her three months to make amends, I bought a lot of books starting with the crushingly fantastic Not Just Friends, I send her links to read or to listen podcasts , I was the one giving her tools, she was not capable of investigate by herself. I was very disappointed of that because she is a psychologist herselfÖ I know!

In the three months notice she didnít do a lot really, of course I had all of her passwords, full access to her phone, computer, etc, I GPSíd her ass 24/7, she had zero contact with the AP. But she still didnít wasnít aware of the damage, pain and trauma I was receiving , and I could tell that because she did some things in the R that infuriated me.

A weekend I went to my grandparentsí house in the country just to hang out with them and talk, I didnít even tell her just a Friday night I called her from there, you know what she did? She had the need to talk with someone and she went to the movies with a friend of her, male of course!
Sometime after she had the idea of putting a tattoo in her forearm with a Celtic symbol that represented the soul, body and mind with my initial in the center of it. Sounds nice right? Well she went to the tattoo parlor with a friend of mine (male) just because he lived by the neighborhood. I was furious with both of them. I didnít even saw the tattoo, to this time she didnít even mention it, she didnít publicly mention the meaning of the symbol to anyone.

But there were some apparently insignificant stuff that put me down. By Xmas I still had some expectations. Iím a kind of audiophile so I tough, maybe she will get me some of my favorite records for my always growing collection, or maybe an expensive Home Theater, a new guitar Ö it was an opportunity for her to make something meaningful. Well, she got me the most awful and cheap pair of earbuds on Amazon, they were literally the first in the listing. Like she didnít knew me at all. I make her returned them. Iíd preferred to have no presents at all.

In my birthday was the same, I had nothing, just a regular dinner at my folks house, hell it wasnít even my birthday it was two or three days after because nobody could make it in the weekday.
Then the whole lockdown covid thing, we were both working from home, it was awful. During the quarantine I learned a new hobbie though, mixology, the boose helped me a little.
So the R was meh, a limbo of sorts, I was just hanging in there, the sex was practically inexistent, we were like roomates.

Then a couple of months ago I started notice some, like moles in my genital area, I went to a doctor and I found out that I had HPV. I was devasted, now I have nasty, ugly looking and especially contagious warts.
That week all the little advances we had on R went to shit. I again took my stuff but this time I went to a new house that we recently bought (or started mortgage payments) months before DDay.

I secluded myself there, she never went to see me, she barely talked to me, during the seclusion the DDay anniversary passed with no mention.
Then one day she went to the house to ask me for a divorce. She said that the R was unbearable, that she wasnít in love with me anymore. Later I found out that in the almost two months that I was away she found a boyfriend. So there that. Thatís all. This weekend we went to the divorce lawyer and in a two or three months Iíll gonna be legally single again with a mortgage that I barely can pay by myself, with a lifetime sexual disease, I cannot even have revenge sex. I will cannot look for another girl. I will be alone and on my own now. She crushed my dreams and expectations. She destroyed my mind, my body, my heart and even my bank account, I have to pay for the divorce and the whole proprietary change of the house.

I donít even know why Iím even writing all of this here, but I donít trust therapists, the couple I had they were shifting the guilt to me. I donít up to that shit anymore. My self steam is in the lowest I cannot stand that. I feel like a complete idiot to trust this woman, and I feel like a don't deserve any of this shit, its like Im living the life of another person.

[This message edited by RichT at 12:15 PM, November 14th (Saturday)]

Jameson1977 posted 10/19/2020 20:01 PM

Hi RichT, Iím glad you came back. Iím so sorry to read your story. Your wife sounds like a terrible person.

You are on the right track, detach from her, keep interactions to an absolute minimum, and spend your time on healing yourself.

RosesandThorns posted 10/19/2020 20:03 PM

I'm so sorry to read all of this. Your wife is very toxic to you, physically and mentally. The best thing for you is individual counseling and complete separation from her. If you don't have access to counseling, try to find a priest or religious figure to counsel you. (The first question to ask is if he or she believes infidelity is grounds for divorce. Do not settle for one who tells you that you must stay in your marriage . Forgive--yes, okay, eventually, stay--no!)

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, reach out to a suicide hotline or clinic or church.

You can get through this.

RosesandThorns posted 10/19/2020 20:07 PM

Also, your life is not over, my friend. There are good women out there who will love you despite whatever consequences you deal with because of your ex-wife. You just have to heal first.

RichT posted 10/19/2020 20:55 PM

Thank you all.

Yes I keep my interactions at minimum, although I'm not proud to say that when she told me that she wanted a divorce I performed a big pick me dance, but it was the last dance I assure you.

Rosesandthornes, thank you. I'm not religious by any means, au contraire, but I fortunately have my parents, siblings, friends and my music to support me and I'm greatly appreciate for that.

[This message edited by RichT at 8:56 PM, October 19th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 10/19/2020 21:38 PM

Iím sorry for you. She doesnít sound like a good person and maybe b/c you were so young when you met you didnít see any warning signs or she was just always a cheating person.

In any event i think your life will get better (in time) not having to deal with her. She replaced you after 2 months apart? Wow she is as cold as an iceberg.

She is terribly damaged if her answer to her problems is to cheat. I hope you see that.

RosesandThorns posted 10/20/2020 06:39 AM

I'm relieved to hear you have a support system, RichT. You've been through some major trauma in you marriage and now health and financial stress, which was why I mentioned counseling via a church if you cannot afford it. Like 1stWife said, getting away from your wife/ex-wife will help you, but you likely have a lot of crap to work through from all of this in order to heal emotionally.

RichT posted 10/20/2020 10:28 AM

You know, she was a good person, a narcissist self entitled cold shark it's not everything she is, she was truly a caring and lovely wife ... Just on the outside, the A showed her true colors.

I'm deeply worried about the HPV stuff, I get anxious just to think about it

I'm sorry if I'm venting all in here.

Notthevictem posted 10/20/2020 10:49 AM

Venting here is normal!

Feel free to vent as much as you want.

You will be okay. The feelings from being betrayed don't last forever.

It sounds like your future ex-wife did you horribly wrong.

It also sounds like you are fighting depression. Which is also pretty normal for folks in our situations.

Your english is good! It takes much intelligence to learn new languages, so you must be pretty smart.

I can understand why you would be worried about your future romantic life with hpv. I would be worried too. You aren't the only person with it, though. There are support groups that meet to discuss how it effects their lives. I would bet money that a group like that has great ideas that could help.

I think the first thing you should work on is the depression. Exercise, eat right, journal. If needed get antidepressants. You will make it through this.

You aren't alone.

RichT posted 10/23/2020 14:34 PM

Thank for kind words Notthevictem. I appreciate that you consider I have a good english, I was hesitant at first to write here. Feel free to correct me if I make a mistake.

Yes I'm fighting depression even before the A, I'm thinking that was one of the reasons which why my wife went to find someone else, she never understand it. It's difficult to stay out of depression in the state I'm in.

On a side note; don't you people hate that for the WSs getting a D is just like another break-up after all? We have to keep the trauma that is being betrayed.
I said that b/c my STBXW, shes just moving on her motto now is "let go" or "you gotta find yourself" and for me that's complete bullshit. I let her go, now I don't feel anything for her but I cannot get rid of the betrayed feeling, the sense that I lost 14 years of my life with that woman and she did so much harm up to the fact that she leaved me with a non curable sexual disease.

I just feel very down.

src9043 posted 10/24/2020 14:43 PM

Please take care of yourself. My situation was similar to yours in that I was married 10 years to a low-life cheater. Thirty-five years later I still have anger toward this person. But I did move on and I am quite happy being away from this terrible individual. It will take time. Work on yourself. There will be other women in your life. There will be better days. It is up to you to make it happen.

Notthevictem posted 10/24/2020 15:35 PM

Well, if her life motto is stolen from a motivational poster, it just shows the depth of her mentality.

Man, you'll get through this. There's many women out there who would react to a depressed husband in ways that help them recover.

RichT posted 10/24/2020 21:49 PM

I cannot thank you enough guys. I love this place. Ive learned a lot just reading another people's stories.

I hope someday I'll find peace and happiness. Right now I'm at my parents house and it's great to hang out with them, I'm having a beer with my dad, watching the World Series. That's life right!

phmh posted 10/25/2020 09:32 AM

I'm glad you're with your parents and starting to heal.

I hope you watched to the end of last night's game! I went to bed in the 4th and watched the rest of the game this morning. What an ending for the ages!

RichT posted 11/7/2020 21:14 PM

Guys I just wanna uptade on my situation, my divorce hearing was last thursday and I been in my bed since that day, I still can't believe this is happening.

To make the things more awful, my XWW has just announced on facebook that she is in a new relation with some guy that she met a couple of months ago.

It felt horible to see how people that I thought were my friends, are giving their likes and best wishes to the new couple and none, NONE, has contacted me just to see how I am. And its been a surprise to our friends because just so few people knew that we were separated, and yet no one cares about me. Its crazy, after almost 14 years not even my brothers in law asked me what happened or how I'm doing.

I don't know what kind of shit my X has been talking about me.

I just wanna cry all day. I feel miserable and she and my exfamily are perfectly happy, its like I was easily replaceable.

[This message edited by RichT at 9:15 PM, November 7th (Saturday)]

CatsNTats posted 11/7/2020 21:46 PM

RichT - majority of the population has gotten or will get HPV at some point in time. It is the most common STD. That said, it is usually harmless, but can lead to cancer (cervical) or genital warts. Did your doctor discuss with you removal of the warts? Surely that's an option. I would also go back and get tested again within a year - it could be gone at that point. This does not mean you will be alone forever!!! I found out I had HPV in 2014 (had to have a colposcopy, which was awful) - and it was gone in 2015. It is not like Herpes which stays dormant in your body. There should be options for wart removal.

Anyway - I'm sorry about what has happened to you. I know the pain every time you catch them. But do not lose hope on your future over what has happened. Everything is temporary - including this.


WontBeFooledAgai posted 11/7/2020 21:48 PM

I am so sorry to hear you are in pain, RichT.

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where you just have to shake the dust of the village of her friends and family off your feet, so to speak.

She doesn't have honor, and surprise surprise, neither does her family or friends. You were disposable to them, because people are disposable to them. But she has to live with herself as does her new boyfriend.

That she gave you an incurable sexual disease may be grounds for a lawsuit. Do you have a lawyer?

CatsNTats posted 11/7/2020 22:01 PM

No, HPV does not have a cure - the virus can linger in your body for a year or two depending on the type of HPV he has it depends. BUT in most cases your can produce antibodies against the virus helping to clear it within a year or two. A lot of strains go away without treatment. And there is treatment options for the warts.

Getting it does not mean you will have it forever!!! They just fail to tell people this. Planned parenthood was a nightmare for me when this happened. They told me nothing other than I needed that colposcopy which hurt like a motherfucker.

Get tested yearly to see if your body has cleared the virus. Get treatment for the warts for your own peace of mind. It is NOT the end of the world!!! I know it feels like it - and it is scary because a lot of times they don't tell you what it is or what it means (I was really upset too)- I didn't know it went away until I established care with someone else at a local hospital and they tested me the next year and it was gone. I was shocked - that's when my Gyno told me that it can and in a lot of cases DOES clear up.

[This message edited by CatsNTats at 10:19 PM, November 7th (Saturday)]

CatsNTats posted 11/7/2020 22:23 PM

Also - I don't know think with HPV being the most common STD that you would be able to prove she hadn't had it for years prior. You could consult a lawyer on it, but a lot of people do not present with symptoms of HPV, Trich, Gonorrhea, and Chlamydia - that is how they spread so easily and rampant. People will have them for years...if they haven't been tested and just keep spreading the STI/STD love around.

Anna123 posted 11/8/2020 08:56 AM

You are still recovering from a big shock. It all happened quickly, this final blow and it is completely understandable all of this is still so depressing. I know this is not going to help you in this moment, but thank God you do not have children with this awful person! You are also 'fortunate' this divorce is over and done with no mysteries attached and no dragging it out. (I know, sounds heartless but it is true. Just read some of the awful divorce stories here.)

You will be able to clear up the HPV, take a year or so to get yourself solid and happy with yourself, and then if you decide to open the option to pair up again, you will be in high demand for all of the good honest women out there.

Be careful in the next few months of women who come after you for a relationship. It would be easy while you are vulnerable to get swept up and then you would be forgoing any sort of real recovery. I am witnessing it right now with a friend who went from severe depression about her divorce, to being over the moon for a new person before the divorce is even final. I am dreading the downfall if it comes-----

Meanwhile, make sure you keep forcing yourself to eat healthy, drink lots of water, and STOP looking at social media. It will be difficult I know but to continue looking will slow down your recovery. It will take an act of willpower on your part to detach from being entwined with her. When you stop worrying about her, and get her out of your head, you can think of your music, other people who are good, thousands of things that are not her! You can do this.

Take care.

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