SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

CEM99 posted 7/28/2020 09:34 AM

My situation is a bit different to most on here and luckily I was never with my now ex for very long.
He really came on strong when we first got together. Flowers, love letters, poems, promising me the world, telling me how in love he was, that he even thought about us getting married. And like a hopeless romantic idiot I fell for it all.
At the start of June he started growing distant, it was like once he knew for sure he had me he didn’t want me anymore and he wouldn’t commit to any plans, would hardly show any affection etc. I knew something was up, there was a lot of suspicious behaviour. I think there were up to two other women and he was also browsing a sex hook up site but I will only discuss one of the women here as she’s the one I know he’s still ‘with’. I always has a bad feeling about her in my gut. I noticed he liked every pic she posted on social media and seemed to have known her for a short time before meeting me. When he started growing distant he met up with her claiming she was only a friend, when I expressed my concerns he made out like I was being out of order for not letting him have female friends and trying to demand control of his social calendar. The day he met her I messaged him at 7pm and didn’t get a response until the next morning. This is a guy who used to send me 100s of messages non stop every day so I was immediately worried. When I confronted him the following day he swore on his mother’s life she was just a friend and that he’d just gone to bed early that night. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt although all of his other behaviour was making me feel terrible anyway and I knew I had to end it.
I kept giving him chances but the final nail in the coffin was his landlords making a remark about him having girls round. He said the last girl that had been to his flat was his work colleague and it was before we were together but I knew it didn’t add up so I ended it.
Fast forward a few weeks and I look on the girl’s social media today and there’s a selfie of her posted last night sat in his lounge in the sweater he used to lend to me after we’d had sex. So that kind of confirms to me he’s been seeing us both. I may even technically be the OW as he knew her first.
I don’t know what to do. I know this guy is a completely vile, compulsive liar. I don’t want him back but I’m so angry and I don’t want to let him get away with what he did to me. I’ve been cheated on so many times in the past (I probably should really take a long hard look at my choice in partners) and I feel like there’s no justice and so I want to ruin things for him and message her. My instinct is she has no idea about me. But at the same time I’m worried it will just make me feel worse, revenge doesn’t always go the way we planned and I have no doubt I’ll just end up looking like the psycho ex who’s trying to split them up. Despite all the evidence I have that we were an item, I’m sure he’ll be able to convince her to just ignore me. So am I better off just leaving him to it in the knowledge he’s incapable of having a proper loving relationship so no doubt will mess up this one too?

[This message edited by CEM99 at 9:41 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

SilverStar posted 7/28/2020 10:09 AM

This guy is some kind of textbook sicko, so FTG. As far as telling his other partner(s), the purpose would be so they can protect themselves from STDs at least, and heartbreak at most. If any of these people think you are a crazy ex or trying to ruin their romance of the century, who cares? Keep it simple and clinical, without drama nor engaging further with any of the parties. Then go live your best life and never look back.

FlowerPower posted 7/28/2020 10:29 AM

So sorry you are here. It definitely hurts to find out the truth, and you probably don't know all of it.

I would ghost him and OW. No need to spend an ounce of energy in filling her in. Neither of you are married to him, so let it be. In my opinion, you do not even owe her a head's up on possible STD. (I would feel differently if Marriage was involved!)

If I understood correctly, you are not living together? He has his own flat. Unless it is something expensive or irreplaceable that you may have left at his flat, I would definitely ghost him and not contact him in any way! Leave your toothbrush, pair of jeans and any other small personal items right there. They can be easily replaced. Your self respect is not so easily replaced. Block him from your social media accounts. Block his phone number. Change your email if necessary. Go completely dark. Don't respond to him in any way. You owe him no explanation, so don't bother to use up time and energy on him or OW.

Focus your energy on yourself. Be kind to yourself. Walk, drink water, eat healthy, rest. By your own admission, your man "picker" is out of order. You continue to date men that treat you horribly. Get to the bottom of that issue with a counselor or a real life friend. Learn why you tolerate disrespect from men. Don't jump quickly into another relationship. Sort out YOU. Learn a new hobby. Read, Garden, Cook, Sew, play tennis, etc.

Drop him and her like a red hot potato!

heartbroken_kk posted 7/28/2020 10:32 AM

Since you don't know whether he cheated on you with her, or cheated on her with you, all you need to do is notify her that you had a relationship with him including sex, and you just found out about her having a relationship with him. Give a few details about the romance and timeline and him going cold. I'd explain the story of the sweater and why you find that a smoking gun. Let her know you won't be having anything to do with him anymore because you find his behavior unacceptable.

Definitely don't get involved in a dialog with her or him. Just the facts, and pull yourself away from both of them. Block him on social media so you can't see his profile anymore. Give her a week to see your message if she doesn't reply, and then block her and move on.

And learn about yourself and the attractiveness of a too-much romance. If you need more help with getting over this please do keep posting here. We are here to help.

CEM99 posted 7/29/2020 06:34 AM

Thank you for the advice all, not just about whether to tell the OW/potential OW but also to focus on me and work on myself. I definitely need to read up on a too-much relationship.

The1stWife posted 7/29/2020 13:48 PM

I dated a guy like that. Someone was nice enough to tell me he had another GF on the side and would literally invite us together to different places. I had no idea she was a GF or former GF. I just thought they were co-workers and friends.

Apparently she was hanging on hoping I would go away.

As soon as a third person told me what she suspected was going on, the relationship ended.

I think you may want to try and tell the other woman what you believe happened. She may have known about you and didn’t care, or she may not have known about you and was also victimized by this guy.

I was so thankful someone had the courage to be honest with me.

And here’s to a new day without being lied and cheated on by a loser of a BF. You will do better. Your life will be better. I am certain you won’t miss him one day.