Hurtoveragain posted 7/16/2020 10:27 AM

Married for 17 years together for 22. We share 2 children on common. We both had one daughter when we met. Shortly after marrying him he became incarcerated. I stayed. I believed in him and understood he was still battling generational curses.
I learned he was cheating and had a baby on the way. He confessed to everything. While he was away i rekindled an old love interest. I guess i was trying to avoid the pain. I was honest and told him about the relationship. I always told the other guy that i was not leaving my marriage and when my spouse returned home we tried to rebuild our marriage. As his other child aged and became active in sports my husband would visit and go to his sporting events. He never wanted me to come. This left me feeling like there was something there between he and she.

Fast forward to 2020 i learned that he also had an 8 yr relationship and was taking care of her now 13 year old child though not his biologically. I hated him once again but yet i stayed. He would bring the girl to my home and my sons love her like their own sister. Her mom would call her stupid and slow. I asked him why would you have an 8 yr relationship with a woman like that. No answer would suffice. He is a user. And would tell me he thought i was leaving so that was his excuse for the 8 yr affair.

Last week His phone rang and i tried to mute the ringer. A text was next which led me down a road of 5 conversations within the last 40 days. Women asking if he could ejaculate on their face. Or making plans to go to drive ins, air bnb's, the beach and dinners. Cooking for him and asking him to stay and eat other fine delicacies. While im on vacation they knew where and who i was with. They knew about my job and would often joke about him spending time with a case worker. They knew about his favorite old school vehicle and how much it would cost to fix. They knew about my children and their activities. They texted stories about their children wondering where my husband was and when he would be returning.

Lastly, Messages between he and the mother of the child born during our marriage. I learned they have been speaking again after she was hurt by her boyfriend. She said my husband comforted her. While he is comforting her he was also having relationships with at least 4 other women. She said he told her we were separated. And that she knew about him taking care of a child not ours. She calls my marriage unhealthy because i told him he could leave and be with her or one of the others.

I asked him to leave he refuses. Our family is very close knit including both inlaws. I still love him but know he will never leave. We are financially stable but i can make it on my own as well. Truth is, his shady past resulted in the other women having criminal cases along side of him. I have always been clean and he would never allow me to be involved in his other lifestyle. But now im alone...no criminal record...no trust in a marriage...no marriage really. I am disgusted at myself im disgusted that i believed in him more than myself. I am angry that he continues to hurt me or truthfully i allowed it. Im in a whirlwind of confusion. And my relatives just say, you know he loves you!
Or the best yet, men are stupid and think with their heads and not their hearts.

The day after finding this out i watched our youngest son leave for the Navy. I tries to talk to him about his actions. He wont tell me who the women are. He says its over and i laugh. If i dont say anything else he believes are marriage is healthy and okay. But thats not me. I need to talk i need to know the why's. He used to tell me everything. But now he shares his life with others. And now i have recognized i need to redefine myself. But not sure where or how to start.

Im so tired of the visuals and dreams. Its not like they are attractive at least three of the 5. There is no physical jealousy which makes this that much harder. Out of anger i told him to go ejaculate on the womens kid who asked to allow him to ejaculate on her face. I threatened to hurt him and them. But i know thats not me. Just tired of hurting. Left home for a bit.

This is not love.
So much more to tell but it would take a series of books. Thks for listening. I cant talk to him and God has yet to respond.

The1stWife posted 7/16/2020 12:58 PM

Please find a good counselor for you to see and get some support.

He’s cheated your entire marriage. You know that.

I think with the right support and guidance you will decide what to do. And what is best for you. Not him. Not your families. Not your kids. Not his kids.

Just YOU.

tushnurse posted 7/16/2020 13:21 PM

Welcome Hurtoveragain.

Honey please go see your Dr get full STD testing, that means blood work and pelvic exam.

Please get a referral for a good IC that is good at trauma and abuse. You are in a very broken relationship. You need to figure out how to get out, and heal yourself so you never pick another abusive man like this. You do know that you cannot fix people like him. There is no fixing that.

Call and get an evaluation w/ an attorney if you haven't and if you have start the process of D. This man will continue what he has done the entire marriage. Get out before he gives you a disease that will kill you or gets into legal trouble that you will be financially responsible for again.

You deserve much better, but only you can change your situation.

Hurtoveragain posted 7/16/2020 13:35 PM

Thank u both tushnurse and the1stwife

I am seeking therapist. I am also going to have a full exam. Embarrassed to call dr and ask for yet another. I know you are both right. If i can just get my mind to make my body walk away. Ive never done anything before for myself. Even as a child everything i did was to please others. Talk about identifying one root issue with self.

[This message edited by Hurtoveragain at 1:38 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

traicionada posted 7/17/2020 05:04 AM

Sometimes, God is giving us signs that’s time to move on but we’re too stuck in our ways to listen
Please, pretty please, seek for professional help. If you don’t want to talk to your regular doctor, there are places for anonymous STI testing and counseling