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What to do?

Kirrin posted 7/8/2020 13:52 PM

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, together for 10. We have a child who is 3. I had an affair that I started just before Christmas and ended early May. I told my wife when we had an argument about something unrelated. She was devastated, obviously, but immediately said she lived me and wanted us to work.
We have tried and tried since then, some days are good, but when we have a bad day (or 5), she forgets the good and tells me it's all awful. She calls me all kinds of names that I know I have to accept. She tells me that I can never ever be right in an argument ever again and I also don't have the right to ever be cross with her for anything as I owe her Everything.
And I do.
I'm trying to see how I put this across because one of the things I did when I was having my affair was paint my wife as the villain when she wasn't. But when it's like this it's so hard. I know I need to just accept that it's going to be hard for ages, and I keep saying I'm sorry and I'm trying to be who she deserves, but she says I'm not trying and she doesn't believe me.
I have changed my job (ap was a colleague), I've been off sick with depression, I have literally no friends left, nobody has messaged me since I've been off work except one person who was a friend of AP too, and my wife wants me to cut contact with her too as it's too hard for her. I have no one to talk to about any of this and I'm really struggling, even though I know I brought it upon myself by the choices I made.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, but it feels good to write it all down.

hikingout posted 7/8/2020 14:01 PM

It is hard, what you describe is super normal.

You need to read "How to help your spouse heal from infidelity" that will give you a good start.

Secondly, you need to figure out why you did this, what are the things you will need to correct about yourself? I can tell you one thing I can read it in your post - you have to take accountability for your own happiness and stop looking to others to give it to you. We fulfill ourselves.

What about IC? Have you been? I highly suggest it.

Kirrin posted 7/8/2020 14:09 PM

Ok, I'll read that.
I think I did it because of my depression. I suffered from depression as a teenager and thought I'd got on top of it but obviously not. I convinced myself that she didn't like me, let alone love me. I didn't use this as an excuse to have the affair, there's no excuse for it, I know that, but I feel it made me more susceptible to the idea of one. I've always been so vehemently against affairs before. My dad cheated prolifically throughout his marriage to my mother, and I had very firm views on it. And then I did it. I became something I hated. I definitely look to others for happiness as I've never ever been happy in myself.
Is IC counselling? If so, I'm waiting for some through work, but I have anxiety issues that make phone calls hard so I'm not sure how I'll get through it. I'm on medication for depression now and that is helping.
Thank you for replying to me, I appreciate your time.

MrsWalloped posted 7/10/2020 07:08 AM

Hi Kirrin.

How is your wife doing? What is she doing to deal with finding out about your A? How did your A start? Was it purely sexual, or was it an emotional affair too? I assume your AP was the same gender, but is that true or was your AP male which would add a whole new dimension to deal with for your wife?
Iím sorry for the questions, but it might help get a better picture of your circumstances.

The truth is from your posts, I donít see much of doing by either of you. Your wife is now dealing with massive trauma and probably does not know how to deal with all of her emotions about you, your AP and your relationship and her future. If I may, donít diagnose yourself. It sounds like excuse making and rationalization. Own the choice and go to counseling to explore why and how to combat it by building tools that you incorporate into your life. And you mention anxiety but that anxiety didnít stop a 5 month affair so pick up the phone and just call.

What does your wife want now? What do you want? Why? How badly? Depending on the answers (and your wifeís could be different than yours), go do the work towards that. Itís not about your wife calling you names or trying to seize control when she lost all of it by you having an affair. Those are symptoms. If itís important to you, youíll do it. If not, youíll find reasons not to and your wife will see that too.

Fugari03 posted 7/12/2020 10:33 AM

Kirrin,

A few things: First I'd like to recommend another book you should read. It's called, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass. Also, I'd like to know more information about your A. Same questions MrsWalloped asked need to be answered. I don't think you understand how important IC (Independent Counseling) is for you, and could do a lot for healing this broken relationship. I get that you have anxiety, but push through it. Don't be a coward and help yourself, because that means helping heal your relationship.

If your wife asks you to cut off contact with ANYONE, you should honor those wishes without a second thought. This is about making your wife feel SAFE again. She is telling you what she needs. Listen. She is going to call you names, she is going to lash out. That's all part of the process. You have beaten her to a pulp (emotionally). You can expect her to get right back up and put herself together so quickly. This process will take years, and even then there will still be moments of sadness. Is this something you are prepared to deal with? My BS (betrayed spouse) has acted very similar to yours. You have to understand that while we (the betrayers) just want to savor the good days and moments, our spouses are constantly thinking about it. They are constantly hurting and asking themselves why. Why? How could they do this to me? It. Never. Stops. For them. Give her time to heal. Be her healer. Be there for her and listen to her. Listen carefully and think through your response before saying anything. Only speak if you absolutely have to.

Good luck.

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