cherries9 posted 6/17/2020 10:59 AM

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[This message edited by cherries9 at 5:13 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]

MIgander posted 6/17/2020 15:06 PM

Hi Cherries, so sorry you're here.

One thing really hit me from your post, watching porn from the age of 9. I have a daughter who is 8 years old, and while we're a bit conservative, I just can't imagine any kind of involved parent not wanting to shield their child from such imagery- especially before they hit puberty or even really had a clear idea of what sex is for. Please don't feel this is judging you or your parents, my "values" didn't prevent me from pursuing an A - so no judgement here on "superior moral values" .

Either way, puberty or not, 12 years old is too young to be as overtly sexual as you were with webcams and older people. If it wasn't openly done with your parents' knowledge, but behind their backs, they must have been highly uninvolved in your upbringing.

Just so you don't think I'm being overly harsh here, my first time was before I was 15 and I went on to devalue myself sexually and devalue the act incredibly much before I met my husband and joined the church. That time in my life was awful and I was looking for love and care by "earning" it through sex. Played a LOT into how easy it was for me to get physical during my affair. This all stemmed from values I was raised with, "If you're old enough to buy condoms, then you're old enough to do it" - from my mother no less!

Gently, do you have any memories at all of any important adult figure in your life telling you that you're precious? That you matter and are dear to them just for being you?

I'm afraid that much of what you're acting out on could stem from early neglect and lack of affirmation in your family growing up. I was attracted to older men because they were able to validate me and care for me in ways I wished I had from my dad .

It's good you're here on SI and getting IC. Better now then later or even never. Wishing you the best and hoping you and your BF can pull through this.

MrCleanSlate posted 6/17/2020 15:42 PM

Cherries9,

Both you and your BF need to find an individual counsellor to meet with and discuss the affair, and past issues.

I am not so sure that your BF has processed the depth of your porn addiction and cheating. And I suspect you may have unresolved issues that need some exploration.

As for your sexual desires or BDSM leanings - you don't need to look to older men on-line. It is so hard for couples to have real discussions about sex, and often harder for one party or the other to be willing to be open to try new things. You need to both learn how to have a dialogue and hopefully both be willing to try new things. I've been with my wife for over 30 years and you know I was surprised when one day about 2 years ago she mentioned she'd like to watch me pleasure myself on occasion - she never mentioned that before but confessed that she always got really turned on the odd time she saw me doing it. So talk to each other, be willing to take baby steps.

You're not sexually broken, maybe a little more open or adventurous than some, but no harm in that. BTW - many adults enjoy some form of BDSM or role play (You ever wonder why 50 shades was so popular?).

The online stuff is not real. Your BF is real.

You might look into attending a SA (Sex Addicts) meeting

cherries9 posted 6/17/2020 18:44 PM

MIgander

I'm afraid that much of what you're acting out on could stem from early neglect and lack of affirmation in your family growing up.

Me and my therapist talked about that today. I've never been very close to my parents, much less my father. I'm pretty distanced emotionnally from them. Harsh things were often said, and not enough nice things were said/done. My house often had a conflictual climate. Maybe I started these online encounters to fill a gap, get some validation. I might explain it, but it doesn't excuse my affair.
Regarding my young age with the webcam/porn, I don't think they ever knew. I would do it when I was home alone and never talked to them about it. I agree with you, in retrospect, that I was way too young.

MrCleanSlate

I am not so sure that your BF has processed the depth of your porn addiction and cheating.

Me neither. We talked about it many times, me initiating the conversation. I told him I was worried he never expressed anger or asked questions. After reading a bit on here, I decided to write a letter with as much details as I could regarding my relationship with my AP, what we did, when we did it, etc.
He did not feel the need to read it, but read it because it was important to me. He seemed a bit more anxious afterwards, but he said it did not change his feelings towards me. He says he is feeling hurt and jealous about what happened, but loves me, and if I am willing to do the work to understand why it happened and make sure it doesn't happen again, he wants to stay.
He doesn't see the need to seek therapy, since I am the one who has issues.

I'm afraid his emotions are going to blow up in a few months (years ?!?!), but I think I just have to be prepared for that and handle it when it happens.