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Loosing it

Daddyjam posted 6/5/2020 15:15 PM

2 years ago I cheated on my wife, I was in Thailand and being "one of the lads". At the time I was completely in denial, I lied and tried my best to avoid those hard questions even to the point of being nasty in order to avoid admitting to what I had done. It turns out that wasn't my only flaw, I was fairly good at forgetting my family entirely like I could flick a switch and I was somebody else. I watched porn and as it turned out saw women as objects rather than a person. I would send pictures of naked women between my friends and i thought it was funny! We went to MC and it was the best thing we could have ever done, it was hard and sometimes seemed impossible but we came out the other side stronger than ever! I promised to change, i promised to stand up to my fears and not be that person anymore, we had a big diacussion about porn and sending nude pics.... i messaged those friends to ask them not to send me stuff like that and I stood up for my family! Fast forward two years and I am starting to struggle, I find myself going back to my of ways and it's starting to eat us up! For a couple months I have been getting messages from friends again and rather than tell them I don't want them I have been deleting them, I then sent one on myself... clearly backwards behaviour. Then a month ago a girl I used to work with added me on Facebook, of course I accepted and even had the nerve to message her. She is much younger than me and I am not exactly Tom cruise so I justified that as being ok as there was never a chance anything could happen. That being said I waas clearly flity, I mentioned my kids and how they are hard work and didn't even mention my wife at all! I work offshore and due to this corona stuff right now we are having to isolate in a hotel, this is understandably hard for my wife. When I got to the hotel it was like business as normal, hardly a quarantine! My wife thought I was confined to my room other than going for a walk which mostly was true... I didnt mention whatbit was really like as i didnt want her to worry. On the sat night one of the guys suggested getting drinks in his room which I was happy to do, better than sitting at the bar downstairs I thought... but I still hadn't told my wife. She then called as in got back to my room clearly drunk and wearing clothes at God knows what time and I dodged the question as to where I was only coming clean several minutes later. Of course my wife was distraught and I went in to complete self defence mode and we had a huge fight! What makes things worse was I then panicked and deleted the messages with this girl just in case she checked my Facebook... I didn't want that adding fuel to the fire. A few days later she then asked me if I had added this girl and if I was messaging her, I denied the messaging as I knew how this now looked... very bad! Eventually the next day after another row I admitted to messaging and it looked bad. She has since managed to get hold of these messages and now she doesn't know what she wants to do. I have shown so many bad behaviours in the last few months I am pushing her to make a decision I don't think I can live with. I love my wife and kids, why does it take something like this to realise this! For the last few days I have phically felt sick, I hate myself so much for doing this to her again! I don't know what to do, I know it's not fair to make her come to a decision on her own but I can't stand to loose her! I have been thinking on repeat for an answer to why I could let this happen! I have booked a session with an MC this Monday, I need to figure my shit out. I have nobody to talk to out here and it's eating me up, I feel like I am going to explode. I can't sleep or eat, just have this throbbing pain and hate that's building up inside me. I know I'm not a good person, good people don't treat someone they love like this! I know this is long but I needed to share how I got to this point. I know deep down I can be the person she needs me to be, I just hope it's not too late!

ff4152 posted 6/7/2020 12:21 PM

DJ

I have to ask, what is different between your last thread and this one? You joined 2 years ago and have a grand total of 9 posts. Granted not everyone who gets something from SI posts; some just come to read. I would say, if I were in your position, I would be posting my ass off.

I would also question why youíre bothering with MC at this time? Clearly you havenít worked on your issues so IMO, MC is a waste of time. This is yours to own. Perhaps some point down the road MC would be applicable, but not now.

Best of luck to you.

Daddyjam posted 6/7/2020 17:05 PM

FF,

I know I am not on this site much and if I am being honest I have not been on in the last 18 months. This is the problem, I thought I was ok... we got over that hurdle and we were right where we wanted to be. I have since regressed and it has scared me how easy it was. I work offshore and it's looking increasingly likely in may loose my job, with a mortgage and family to look after I was finding things very hard so I started messaging some old work friends one of which was this girl. I asked her about her home life and what she was up to, that's the point I should have realised this is inappropriate. My wife has stuck by me and helped me, I should have been speaking to her when I was feeling insecure. I have arranged counceling for myself as I know that's what I need to focus on. I went back to life being easier if I just don't speak about things, hide important facts and lie when it looks bad. Those are not the things anybody wants in a marriage. I need to decide if this is a journey I want to drag her through or not, she deserves better.

ff4152 posted 6/7/2020 18:53 PM

Itís easy to lose sight of things when life is going good. It takes work to stay the course. Complacency is a killer. We are both cheaters. The character flaw is there. IDC how far along any WS is, that ďdefectĒ will always be there.

That being said, if you stick with it, things can get better. Itís hard to describe but one day you will notice a shift in your thinking. Itís easy to say cheating is bad. Itís quite another to actually FEEL it. I now find it incredibly difficult to watch any movies or read any books that contain infidelity. The very idea of being with someone else disgusts me. My wife and I are pushing 60. Gone is the smooth skin, the flat stomach, no gray in the hair. But I think my wife is the sexiest woman on the planet.

If youíre serious this time around, stick with it. Peel back the layers of you and look at whatís underneath. Without excuses. Itís very sobering when you peel back your own facade. Things are very likely going to become much harder when you do. Youíll want to give up. Thatís the time to dig in.

Daddyjam posted 6/8/2020 15:03 PM

I really do envy you, your journey doesn't sound like it has been easy but it was worth it. I am not for one minute thinking this is going to be an easy ride, I know especially from the last two years there are going to be lots of ups and downs but if I have a chance to end up with what you have it's worth every hurdle.
My wife is amazing, she doesn't have the sagging skin or grey hair yet but I am so looking forward to being at that point with her... I just hope she can hang on until I work my issues out. Thank you for the advice, I have read a few of the threads on here with mixed replies. It's nice to speak to somebody that has truly made it to the other side.

MrCleanSlate posted 6/8/2020 15:27 PM

DJ,

It takes a lot of time and effort to really get into the 'whys' of your affair, and at the same time you may be trying to R with your BS.

I'm approaching 5 years post D-Day and am still working on myself. If you asked me at 6 months out I would have given you a much different answer as I barely had started to dig into my issues.

Learning how to communicate with my wife, I mean really communicate, took me a lot of effort. The truth hurts sometimes, but my BW prefers that to the rugsweeping or outright lies.

It sounds like you still have work to do on your real issues (the flirty stuff, etc) but that doesn't stop you from being open and honest with your BS.

It is hard starting the conversations, but once you do they come easier.

What worked for my BW and I was we would sit back and talk almost nightly about anything and everything without judging or arguing - listening and then offering thoughts. It takes effort to do that. I started to just complain about things, such as something my younger son was doing, and my BW would then offer suggestions. Usually I had no intention of acting on my complaints, but it felt better to just off load, to let my BW know where my thinking was at.

hikingout posted 6/8/2020 15:41 PM

I love my wife and kids

Look, this is going to sound harsh but at this point you are showing exactly the opposite of love. You do not understand love. Love is an action, not a feeling. You need to assess what you feel love is and rebuild that.

Secondly, of course you are afraid of losing her, but you keep doing these things. So, you need to look at your control issues. You want what you want, regardless of what others want or need. Why? Where did you learn that? Honest question, sometimes the way we view attachment forms in our childhood.

I think you are in another country - so does MC mean to you marriage counseling? It's not the marriage that is the problem - you need to do individual counseling first. You need to figure out why you are so insecure that you feel the need to fill yourself up with all sorts of things that look to be in contrast to what you actually do want.

ff4152 posted 6/8/2020 16:22 PM

Hi DJ

To be clear, I donít think there is ever an end to this journey for us WS. I know Iím nowhere near the end of mine. Iím certainly better than I was, but I like to thing I learn something new all the time. Itís a process, one that cannot be forced or rushed. I do have clarity but Iím nowhere near done.

Try observing your wifeís life through her eyes. Really look. Imagine how she feels in a given situation. What brings her joy? What makes her sad? Then try and actually experience those feelings yourself. Definitely not as easy as it sounds. Listen to your wife and hear what she says. IMO, empathy is a key starting point.

Daddyjam posted 6/9/2020 14:35 PM

It doesn't sound easy but I think it could be very helpful. I know it is going to take time to figure this out fully and there will never be a point where it is done and I don't have to try anymore. I have come to terms with that fact and I am ok with it. I love my wife and want to spend the rest of my life with her, I don't want to take her for granted anymore. You really are inspirational, I hope I make it as far as you have one day.

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