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Help me understand

Lostallalone posted 2/21/2020 13:42 PM

Help me understand. Alot of people have been posting about expecting their relationship being transactual. (Is that a word?) That if i do something loving I expect something loving in return. I get the idea that love should be selfless and you give with no expectations. But after so many years of giving and only anger and criticism returned how do I deal with it any longer. I do love my wife. She is a great mother. She gives till it hurts to other people. The one time we went to marriage counseling the therapist made a comment we been married to long. I believe she meant we take each other for granted. My wife thought she was encouraging me to divorce. It kind of hit me that she won't see we are drifting so far away from each other. Help plz thnks

DaddyDom posted 2/21/2020 18:06 PM

So here is a question for you... you said you've been very giving to your wife for several years now. Why? What is your end goal? What are you hoping that being giving to her will result in?

On the flip side, what do you think it is that she wants from you? Does she tell you what she wants, or what she finds lacking?

You said that she is giving until it hurts with other people, however with you, she's full of anger and criticism. Why do you think that is?

These aren't snarky or trick questions, I'm just hoping to better understand where you are at, and what is going on.

Lostallalone posted 2/21/2020 23:50 PM

These are good questions. I don't take offense at all.
Frankly I originally 30 yrs ago was going to leave my wife. She had post pardum really bad. After almost a year i was done . I had an exit affair. but she found out. We went to intense christian counseling. Yrs. Told I'm a bad guy. Tried to make it up since.

30 yrs later she still uses it to win arguments. Justifies her treatment of me. She will scold me like a child in public. I am mad she says get over it. (Note even though I'm a madhatter i haven't felt the touch of a woman in 10 or more years. ) I just want to be loved again. I hope she will see how she treats me.

I don't know why she can be so kind and caring for 99 percent of the population but runs me down like a dog. We have done so much therapy. I didn't deny her the truth. I don't know. I'm so tired.

So I look for women online to talk to. There is zero sexting. I tell them I'm married and can't be more then friends. But they seem to think they can chg my mind. Idk.

I feel as though I have nowhere to turn.

Even among outcasts I'm an outcast.

I hope this helps

Lostallalone posted 2/21/2020 23:50 PM

These are good questions. I don't take offense at all.
Frankly I originally 30 yrs ago was going to leave my wife. She had post pardum really bad. After almost a year i was done . I had an exit affair. but she found out. We went to intense christian counseling. Yrs. Told I'm a bad guy. Tried to make it up since.

30 yrs later she still uses it to win arguments. Justifies her treatment of me. She will scold me like a child in public. I am mad she says get over it. (Note even though I'm a madhatter i haven't felt the touch of a woman in 10 or more years. ) I just want to be loved again. I hope she will see how she treats me.

I don't know why she can be so kind and caring for 99 percent of the population but runs me down like a dog. We have done so much therapy. I didn't deny her the truth. I don't know. I'm so tired.

So I look for women online to talk to. There is zero sexting. I tell them I'm married and can't be more then friends. But they seem to think they can chg my mind. Idk.

I feel as though I have nowhere to turn.

Even among outcasts I'm an outcast.

I hope this helps

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