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Still struggling

Lumpy29 posted 2/20/2020 10:23 AM

Itís been 10 years and nearly everyday is still a struggle. I think weíre doing ok then we have a fight and all my past mistakes are brought up, every single time. All the problems in our marriage, going on 33 years, is made to seem my fault. I never worked enough, made enough, favoured the kids too much, now grandkids too much. Never put him first etc etc. He constantly criticizes me, says nasty things. I understand itís his way of hurting me after the way Iíve so badly hurt him. Iím so tired of being unhappy, wonder why I keep trying. But I do love him and we still have fun together. So you keep trying. But when is it enough?
BS has worked nights the last 7 years and is recently taken early retirement. Itís a new way of life for us both and itís been hard to adjust to him being home. I didnít have to share what I did with my day or what I was doing and now he wants to know and itís hard to change my mindset. If I donít tell him everything I get accused of lying or lying by omission. I brought lunch to our son yesterday and didnít tell him and he lost it at me. I get itís about trust and he doesnít trust me. Just needed a place to write some things down, a first for me.

foreverlabeled posted 2/20/2020 16:24 PM

Hey Lumpy29 and welcome

I don't know if you have read enough around here to see the healing timeline that is usually given, they say it takes 2-5 years to heal from the trauma of being betrayed.. my thoughts are that it's the symptoms of trauma. Which can be severe and vary depending on how much of a help the WS is. Because we do play a part in that. We can hinder their healing or we can help.

And time doesn't heal, it takes work. And that is what they face after the recovery. Time only allows the wound to sink into the subconscious where it can still impact actions and behavior, if not addressed. Trauma is no joke, and your cheating certainly inflicted great traumatic stress.

It's not fair to our BSs that had no choice in this matter. And now they have to heal these wounds or suffer even greater distress. Our BSs are not always perfect or know exactly how to cope and deal with this blow. Sometimes it can take longer to sort through everything that is needed. And I get your struggle, 10 years is indeed a very long time. But it also depends on what has transpired in that time frame.

Would you say there was any rug sweeping going on? Or did you guys face your cheating head on? What have you done in the last decade to make yourself a safer partner? These things matter.

DaddyDom posted 2/20/2020 16:42 PM

Lumpy29,

Ten years is a long time. As foreverlabeled said, time alone doesn't heal this kind of wound. It takes change, great change. What about you makes you a safer person today than you were ten years ago? What work have you done and what changes have you made in your life? What things would make your spouse trust you more now than he did then?

I think a lot of WS's get stuck in this process. We try to heal by doing things we think will make our spouses happy. We try to do everything right. We try to be loving and helpful. What can be hard to understand is that these things are still about us. We are still trying to manipulate our spouses and to get them to love us. They see this, they feel it, and it makes them feel the same way they felt when we had the affair, like nothing has changed.

The other thing to realize is that sometimes, infidelity is a deal breaker, and no matter how much work we do, it might not be enough, and that is something we sometimes have to accept as well.

So tell us more about youself. What work have you done? What does your spouse say he needs the most from you?

Zugzwang posted 2/20/2020 17:02 PM

It has been since 2012 for us. My wife doesn't act like this. Trust can be established. We found a better partnership and we are happy. I know I am. I am feeling the best I have ever felt in my life. Just saying, you can have that. Sometimes, you just can't have that with other people you hurt. Have you worked on you? Talked the affair through? Rugswept?

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