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How do you deal with an affair that happened a long time ago?

EandE posted 2/10/2020 21:59 PM

This is long and I apologize for that but I need to get it out.

My husband of 31 years decided New Yearís Eve to confess to an affair he had 15 year ago with a coworker. He had been drinking and decided to come clean (His conscience is clean, he says ).Heís ruined that holiday forever!! Anyway, Back when this all happened we had 3 young kids 5 and under and I was a stay at home mom. She worked with him and was a bit younger.

I knew something was up. My spidey senses were working overtime. I got nosy and looked on his phone (flip phone at the time) and noticed he was calling her a lot and she was calling him. I finally intercepted a couple of voicemails (yes, I was snooping, but donít care). They were very personal and not work related at all. Nothing sex related, at least the ones I heard but very, VERY friendly. So, I lied to him and said a ďher nameĒ called and he said he didnít know any one by that name. I knew something was up. I continued to check his calls and noticed he was calling her every Saturday when be said he was going to the grocery store or some errand.

So I confronted him. I told him I knew he was calling her and wanted to know why. He denied ( they always do!) and said the were just friends. I said why doesnít she call the house? Why havenít we had her and her husband over? He finally admitted their relationship was probably inappropriate and he would back off. Well, of course they didnít. In fact, I now know it ramped up and thatís when he started screwing her. In hotels and at their work place.

Well, during their year long affair she got pregnant. I didnít know at the time if they were sleeping together but I do know they were doing other things. She had the baby and I confessed in a friend who worked with them I thought something was going on. I ask this friend if the baby looked like my husband and she said he looked just like his daddy.

Well, this is where it gets really hard for me. When the baby was 10 months old, he died. I felt terrible because I could never wish that on a mother. My husband was very upset, went to the the funeral without me and then several months later continued to screw her. Screwed her in hotels, their offices and in their cars. I found all this out over the past couple of months, as I have asked questions (which I shouldnít).

So hereís my dilemma. The night he told me, he got very angry at my reaction, went downstairs and got very drunk and texted her after 14 years. Asked to meet up with her the following week. She was surprised to hear from him. I saw the text because he showed me the next day (remember...guilty conscience). She of course said,YES, when and where? He said anytime you want. When I saw the text, I told him he needed to text her back and tell her I know and doesnít want anymore contact with her and then he needed to block her. It was 7am in the morning and he said no we wasnít going to do that because she was with her family. I was pissed! And told him he was protecting her. He left for work. But did eventually text her and this is what he said (he screened shot it and sent it to me). His words, verbatim were,ĒMy apologies. I donít think we should meet. Hope your family is doing well. Take careĒ. Nothing I asked him to do.

She started searching him and found him on LinkedIn. I blocked her. I thought she was pretty blocked on everything. My husband does not do social media. But I did find out that even though her number is blocked she can still iMessage him. Verizon doesnít block iMessages.

Okay, one more thing. He lives in a different city. The one she lives in. I will be moving there when our youngest son graduates this year. I donít trust him and I certainly donít trust her to not contact him, especially since he reached out to her first.

Iím sick. Canít eat. Iím already small and lost 10 pounds and weigh 104 pounds. My work is suffering. He doesnít want to separate or divorce. I donít know how to feel or what to do. Iím in counseling but he wonít go.

Everyday is a challenge. Iím on anti anxiety meds but canít sleep or stop thinking about what they did for over a year. Itís killing me. There is more to this story but I think itís long enough.Ugh! I hate my life right now!!!

justabrokendream posted 2/10/2020 23:14 PM

Hugs to you. I usually don't use such strong language but your husband is a shit. To wait 15 years and then unload on you in a drunken moment is just well - shitty. It is up to you whether you think you can live with this, I certainly couldn't stand looking at him after thinking how you stayed at home and took care of the kids and now he decided to "come clean" in the dirtiest of ways.

The1stWife posted 2/11/2020 03:54 AM

I am so sorry for you. I cannot imagine the pain of knowing he lives in the same area as her - but you are not there with him.

Iím glad to read you have a counselor for you. Great choice.

Here are the huge red flags:🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He wonít go to counseling
He recently contacted her and she responded quickly and positively
He told you after decades but still continues to act like a cheater

My H had a 4 year EA that he denied. I KNEW it was going on but he refused to discuss it. It finally ended and it was rugswept. My reward for never discussing it was he had another affair 15 years later wherein he wanted a D.

Regarding your H, he doesnít want to separate or divorce. Of course not. He wants to continue to cheat or flirt or whatever while still having his nice life with you. He gets the best of both worlds. While you suffer.

I donít have an answer for you. I recognize that if you do the hard 180 on him and stop being his wife and put up boundaries, you fear he will go running back to her (or start a new affair). But if you donít do something he can continue this behavior b/c you are allowing it (in his mind).

Damned if you do - damned if you donít.

I can tell you that my H was kicking me to the curb after 25 years of a good marriage. For someone he knew 6 months. For 6 months I tried to ďniceĒ him back. Read up on the ďpick meĒ dance as I was the leader of that show. I made big mistakes.

But all along I was getting my plan B in place. Money, documents, living arrangements, mediator and lawyer etc. And at dday2 when I found out I was working my butt off reconciling and he was still cheating - plan B was executed. Swift. Quick. He was blindsided when I told him very calmly I was divorcing him b/c I had no other choice.

Best move I ever did. I restored my power in the relationship and my self esteem. He had ended his affair a few hours earlier but not before he asked for a D (the OW was pressuring him but he was going along with her). I finally had enough. I no longer cared b/c I was done being made a fool. He never thought I would call theOW but I did. In 3 minutes she told me everything.

My point is doing nothing was not working for me. But when I finally was broken and tired of the nonsense and did something, it was for me. I never expected us to reconcile. I never expected I could love him again. I never believed he could even get me to consider staying married to him. I never had the ability to think he would make amends and show true remorse.

Had I not told him I was done with him, his plan was to reconcile and take it to his grave. He would never have admitted anything. Had I not called the OW I would be clueless about my own marriage. He admitted that to me.

Explore your Options with your counselor. But I think doing nothing is a mistake.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:57 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Lefty posted 2/11/2020 05:52 AM

There is a forum called ďI can RelateĒ. In that forum scroll down and there is one called ďfor those who found out years laterĒ. There is a lot of good information in the posts there. It is terrible to find out the man you are married to has lied to you for so many years. It destroys so much.

steadychevy posted 2/11/2020 06:09 AM

My WW of 25 years at the time committed adulte3ry for 4 years. At the start of it I was very suspicious and confronted and confronted. Always there was an explanation for her behavior that sort of made sense.

Like you we had flip phones but there was no communication between them except through work methods. His wife had caught him cheating with another woman because of his cell phone records. My WW directed him, I found out years later, to not call her because of that.

My WW had a very heavy work load so that was the basis for her frequent lateness home for work. I bought that, sort of, because I often worked late when I had reports or projects that had timelines looming. She went on Ativan and then Celexis about a year into the adultery and things really improved with us. Basically they cooled her down so she could more easily carry on with him and live with me.

We moved where she opened up a new office after 3 more years and supervised all the staff in northern Alberta. I retired from my professional career and bought a ranch. A couple things happened that stirred the cauldron for me again. I pressed and eventually, 7 years after moving, she finally admitted it by saying "yeah, I did it".

EandE, like me, this is brand new for you. It's like it happened yesterday even though you say the adultery was years ago. I use adultery because it's an ugly word. Affair can have very positive meanings. Adultery has none. For your WH it was long ago so no big deal.

It did just happen, though. After all of those supposed years he calls and there is an immediate connection. He hasn't moved on and neither has she. It is alive a bubbling and brewing.

The worst thing that I didn't do was hire a PI when I was so suspicious. He can say that he has severed all ties with her and blocked her on every means of communication. That's bullshit. He can simply contact her now that he is in her home town and explain he had to do what he did because you found out but blah, blah, blah.

There are many red flags that indicate he is still very much a wayward. No IC, contacted her after so many year (how did he happen to remember her number, etc., etc, she responds. How can you be sure they hadn't been in contact through those years), and there are more.

He was very willing to live a lie. You don't know if there were anymore "friends". He could pick right back up where he left off and apparently she could, too. Not a lot to work with, IMO.

After the DDays I laid out a short list of things I expected my WW to deliver on. She did get an STD test and a polygraph but nothing else. That list was given verbally frequently and written twice over about a 2 year period. Those were the things I needed in order to decide if I wanted to attempt reconciliation. No effort on her part at all.

We're legally separated after 42 years of marriage and just waiting for a judges signature on the divorce decree. Where we could live very comfortably together financially and living the dream I thought we were working jointly on it isn't so separately. We both have to be careful financially now.

I didn't start healing until we separated. I've been in IC for 2 years but am about finished with it now. I'm almost 69 but am now looking forward.

EandE posted 2/11/2020 14:32 PM

Thank you for your responses. It helps to know Iím not alone. He is very clingy to me when we are together on the weekends. He is open with his phone and Iím open with mine but when he texts anyone I get very anxious.

He had her contact information all these years. I know in my heart he has contacted her over the years but have know proof.

He seems somewhat remorseful. Heís very open and honest (that I can tell because he tells me very painful things when I ask). He has broken down twice. Iíve never seen him cry, sob the way he did.

Several years ago we were cleaning out some boxes. One was an old work box of his. In it was a picture of the two of them. They were dressed up and probably at a work event. He had is arm around her but high touching the side of her boob. I was so pissed when I saw that and threw the picture at him and said hereís a picture of you and your girlfriend. He was behind me and said nothing at all. I still donít know what he did with that picture. He said he doesnít remember.

She also texted him on his birthday a few years ago. He showed me the text then deleted it in front of me without answering. I knew they had had sex at some point but I just pushed it down.

I wish I never knew. I wish his dumb @ss didnít tell me. It is fresh. Like it just happened. I think heís slowly seeing the hurt he has caused me. The physical pain and what itís doing to my health.

Iím not making any decisions now. Iím still too raw. We are separated most of the time since he lives in a different city so that helps. Iím working on me now.

DBFool2019 posted 2/12/2020 07:13 AM

So sorry you found yourself here Eand E. There is a wealth of information and many experienced members that can lead you down the best path to heal. Hang in there, none of this is your fault!

The1stWife posted 2/12/2020 11:10 AM

What I find so typical is during the affair the cheaters are so cocky and arrogant.

Upon Dday or discovery, some of them become meek and tearful and ďit didnít mean anythingĒ mentality.

Glad you are working in you. Now heís afraid to lose you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:11 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

EandE posted 2/12/2020 17:53 PM

The1swtwife - he is afraid of losing me. I want the life we had before he opened his big mouth to confess and clear his guilt. It was good. We had fun and were together all the time doing fun things..Now there is a cloud that hovers over us. Iím going to his town this weekend. Heís made all these fun plans for us. Iím not really excited or donít really care.. That makes me sad.

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