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I'm sorry

Lostallalone posted 1/29/2020 13:45 PM

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[b][c] will be subject to judgment.

About a year ago I joined this group and didn't like responses i received. I said some awful things to you all. I was wrong. I was kicked out of the forum. I have done much counseling. Working on my depression. I requested to be allowed back in the forum because I still need a community to work through my issues. I want to just ask for your forgiveness.

kairos posted 1/29/2020 14:16 PM

I appreciate the humble approach here. I'm sure a lot of people appreciate this sentiment and the fact that you're back here.

Let's talk about moving forward. I hear your apology and regret. You're indicating a desire to move forward, receive feedback, and learn. In terms of moving forward, can you walk us through what happened? What did you learn over the past year? Why do you think you were so defensive? How do you view this time of your life and how do you see things differently?

I don't know your situation. But now that you have the tires moving, maybe it's time to get more traction. I wish you well. I am personally so lucky to have this community.

Welcome back!

EvenKeel posted 1/29/2020 14:40 PM

When folks find SI, they are in a bad place. They are many things like: spiraling, hurt, mad, in denial...the list goes on and on.

Regardless of which individual forum you are on, sometimes we just not ready to hear some of the things that are said to them. I know I was one of them when I started. Thought my story was different, etc.

It takes time to process, etc.

I am glad to hear you continued to work on getting yourself healthy.

Sending you good mojo for your path of healing!

Lostallalone posted 1/29/2020 18:13 PM

Wow my android doesn't format well with this site. I wrote a long response and lost it all. So if I can remember what I was trying to say. Most of my story is in my profile. I am a MH.

Lostallalone posted 1/29/2020 18:15 PM

For those of you who don't remember me I first posted about an online EA with a woman I regarded as an old high school sweetheart. She is a Doctor that lives 6 states away. Having no friends i really leaned on this woman heavily for someone who i could talk to and have no animosity or anger with. Of course my wife knew nothing of this relationship. It was never inappropriate in any sexual manner. But Being a secret everyone said it was bad.
I stopped contact.

Lostallalone posted 1/29/2020 18:16 PM

Then later I asked how can I get my wife to stop trying to hurt me and we can become close and loving again. Well the previous post must have put a sour note on things. Wether they meant well or not it got out of hand and I began to lash out. Really bad. 

Over the last year I have been seeing a Psychologist and a therapist. My wife has refused to join me. She also said I'm not allowed to discuss our issues. My therapist has been working on me as far as letting things go. I have grudges that go back to my 1st grade teacher. I am 56. So to get over my past I need to plan for my future. Make my own plans,goals,dreams and get excited for that. If my wife wants left behind so be it. So I am currently working on playing the piano. I also have joined a YMCA. Over the last 4 or 5 yrs I have went from over 440lbs to 240lbs. Feeling great.

Pippin posted 2/2/2020 14:06 PM

Hi LostAllAlone, welcome back, I'm glad you are taking better care of yourself. I think the last time you were here you were drinking heavily, at least on one occasion I remember. How are you doing with that?

There's a madhatter thread in I Can Relate - even if you don't get responses there, you could read it and see how people think about their experience as both WS and BS.

Your wife sounds completely uninterested in working with you. It sounds like you'll have to process your pain and grief as a BS without her support, and work on yourself as WS without her. What is the WS piece that is most pressing for you right now? Self worth, honesty, understanding where your impulses come from? I know it all fits together but I usually had something more central that I was working on at a given time.

Iamtrash posted 2/4/2020 20:32 PM

I don’t know anyone that starts here in a good place.

You’re not alone in how you acted. All that matters is that you continue to grow, learn, and be better.

Lostallalone posted 2/5/2020 07:47 AM

Thanks all for responding. Pippin as far as my drinking has been under control. Neither my therapist or Psychologist are very worried about it.
As far as my personal growth I guess i dont understand the question. My growth is coming from my weight lifting. Learning piano. Maybe if you ask more specific. Not sure.

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