Ok, i am posting this on the wayward side, because you seem better at responding to introspective threads working on yourself. This isnt necessarily limited to my wayward hat, but it effects it and it definitely effects me addressing my own issues.
I have a lot of conflicted feelings about my upbringing and my mother has contributed to a lot of my distorted thinking about myself and the world. I have put distance between us, physical and mental, most of my adult life. But when my daughter was born, we moved closer to my parents and she was active in our lives for 7 years. This corresponds to a complete collapse of my mental health and to the period when both of our infidelities started. I know tyat is not the same as causation, it is just a period i am examining. We have since moved away and i have extremely limited contact, a decision i made for my mental health.
For more background info, see my ill fated post in general, called Cognitive Dissonance. It ends with a discussion about my struggles to ask for help. As i have been thinking about asking for help and shaming, i am thinking about affirmations about how i deserve help and should ask. And i started hearing them in my mother's voice. Because they are things she said to me, taught me as a kid. And i wondered, how then, that she was also the source of the shame i feel when i do it. And i realized, these things she tried to teach us are what she believes. But the feelings i have are based on what she did, and the difference between the two is both a lack of coping skills and skills to do better, plus a steadily increasing mental illness she never addressed.
Background info on my mom: She was raised in an extremely abusive home (verbal, physical, sexual) and she concentrated on shielding us from that. She did better than her FOO and to my knowledge, successfully shielded us all from physical and sexual abuse as kids. She did less well with emotional stuff, and as the oldest child, i bore the burden of a lot of her inability to cope.
Well the other day as i was thinking about this, i realized i was trying again to take responsibility for the way that she treats me. I was thinking that if i know it is mental illness, i should support her better because it isnt her fault. But i caught myself because it isnt my fault either and i need to have healthy boundaries to protect myself and my own kids. Which she taught me. She hates that i apply it to her but that is on her and not me. She could have chosen differently and didnt.
But it clicked that this is why she doesnt understand why my sisters and i see her as a source of own own issues. I am the only one who limits contact, but they all have created distance in their relationships and expressed similar experiences to me. She is only able to see her beliefs and not the fact that she didnt live up to them. So feel like i finally understand her. And as such, i feel like i have resolved the cognitive dissonance in my head that sees both the good mother, and the abuser. And that makes me able to forgive her, to let go go of the struggle, while still maintaining the boundaries we need to be safe.
I feel like this is an important step for me in resolving a conflict within myself about my FOO.
It also reinforces the direction i have to take in my own family now. I need to take advantage of my opportunities to get help, so i can choose better and do better for myself and our children. I am actively addressing my own mental health issues now, and working on coping skills for myself and to teach my children. This is the way i can change the legacy of poor or broken relationships and estranged families.
[This message edited by IHatePickingName at 8:19 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]