Psalm51 posted 12/14/2019 10:16 AM

Not really the forum I ever thought I'd join or introduce myself on, but here I am. Found this site through affairrecovery site.

A little about me.

Married 21 years with 5 children. 45, BH (51) have had a near perfect marriage until I selfishly decided to engage in an EA turned PA (no sex but physical intimacy is intimacy) over the last year with a coworker.

Final dd was Dec 6. Quit my job of 7 years same day and last eork day is next Friday. Have sent NC letter and although will see this man at work until my final day- we have had no conversations or eye contact. He's pissed. Good. So am I - I am such a deceiver!!

Will get into full story another time.

As my screen name may imply, I'm a Christian, as is BH yet not the epitome of one as I am posting here. So very ashamed.

BH is hurt and angered yet pressing for R, as am I. Humbled by his love for me, yet so ashamed I let this manipulative man into our marraige. I recognize I too am a manipulative liar as well. With nothing but pure selfishness, I took the love and trust of my H for granted and let the darkness of lust and the words and advances of a serial cheater lead me astray...knowingly and willingly.

Searching for my why's and not sure where to begin. This walk is not something I thought I'd be capable of taking and definitely not something I ever dreamed I'd put my BH through. Disgusted doesnt even define it.

Thank you for welcoming me, although I really dudnt ever want to find myself seeking welcome from a forum like this one.

Lucky77 posted 12/14/2019 13:56 PM

Hi Psalm51,

Welcome to SI and the Wayward board. Home of the naughty ones.

Your discovery is still super fresh. Your little la-la land that you and your affair partner (AP)got blown up and it feels like the floor has been pulled out from under you and you're in a free fall and have lost control of the agenda.

I get it. I was there. I enjoyed my little bubble of a compartmentalized life for a long time. Every day I would get up and chose betrayal. It was me that did that. Not someone else. It was me. I look the same in the mirror now as I did pre-A.

You say you are ashamed now. I will challenge that. I think your more in shock your little world was blown up and mad that you can't just have your cake and eat it too. We're known as cake eaters here.

You're full of conflicting emotions one of which is likely still pining for AP since DD is so fresh. Do tell the rest of the story. How did the A get blown up?

Psalm51 posted 12/14/2019 14:36 PM

Hi Luck77

I blew the cover. I confessed to BH, for the 3rd time. EA was ongoing with 3 times of kissing and messing around with the guy. It was wrong from the minute I entertained friendship with this man though...from being enamoured with his 1st advance. Wrong with or without the PA aspect. Wrong wrong wrong. So very wrong.

I made AP out to be something he isnt, although admittedly I knew who he was prior to even entertaining the thought of a relationship of any kind with him. He was bad news...even told me that. Yet, here I am. I nurtured a 'friendship' knowing the AP wanted more. Kept him close...strung him along just like he did me - yet I'm the married one. I had a devoted and loving husband at home who, even though he knew bits and pieces of what had happened (knows details of one time AP and I were alone and messed around), still blindly loved me (although has now told me he suspected things picked up again with AP after I confessed).

I WILL share full story once I have a computer in front of me...this phone typing is rough.

Zugzwang posted 12/14/2019 19:15 PM

I let this manipulative man into our marraige.

and the words and advances of a serial cheater lead me astray...He's pissed. Good.strung him along just like he did me

I don't know if it is because I am a male or what it is..I just never seen my APs doing the manipulative thing or leading me astray even though they were the ones pursuing me. I always get the vibe that when a poster states these types of things they really aren't owning their choices. You wanted what he had. You chose it. You were an adult and not only just an adult but a Christian so you knew it was all wrong. Yes, you claim you were manipulative too. Yes, you claim you allowed it. If you truly believed you are the one at fault and no victim hood here, then why even mention that the AP was all those things? If you are accepting your choices and owning that, then you would have no reason to mention the AP as anything but your AP. Really think about this. You kept the affair going. You enjoyed it. You need to own all of it if you really want to move forward. That means you need to stop sharing the blame of your choices with the AP in order to escape some of your shame and guilt.

Psalm51 posted 12/14/2019 21:53 PM

Zugzswang. You are 100% accurate. All on me...I whole heartedly agree.

Zugzwang posted 12/15/2019 07:51 AM

Instead of focusing what I quoted and highlighted as a way to point out sharing the blame on AP, see those things and ask yourself why those mattered so much to you. What you now condemn, (manipulative words and advances strung him along ), you craved and saw differently at the time. You enjoyed the stringing along, the chase, the words and advances, the manipulation. What are you lacking in yourself that you used that "darkness" as you call it to fill. Those things you condemn now are what you craved to have done to you and to be doing. Why?

Psalm51 posted 12/15/2019 09:10 AM

TBH Zugzswag, I only blame myself. When I write everything comes out in one big vomit of emotion. I blame myself for allowing what happened to happen, knowing full well that it would.

It's interesting you would point out the use of my mentioning AP as having any part if the blame as wrong. (and again, that was not my intention) When talking with BH, I told him that it was all on me. I cant blame AP, because the decision to entertain him in the first place was mine. BH became upset saying that it takes two..and not blaming AP for any of it sounded as if I was protecting him.

But to be clear...I know the fault and hurt are my doing alone. I did this. I could have walked away. I didn't

Zugzwang posted 12/15/2019 11:54 AM

It is okay for the BS to put blame on some man coming into his home and wronging him. It just isn't okay for you. You can say you understand that he wronged him. You agree. Though make it clear that he (AP) did not take advantage of you and explain why that is important in you owning that you should have kept the door shut no matter what. You chose to be open to advances. You can make it clear that you are on his side and are angry (though we should get to indifference) that this man chose to hurt your husband on his behalf.

Psalm51 posted 12/15/2019 13:58 PM

YES!! ABSOLUTELY where I am coming from
No one MADE me do anything - all my selfish doing. Thank you

Maia posted 12/15/2019 19:04 PM

welcome.

The truth will set you free.

hugs.