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One step forward.. the entire ladder back

notrightinthehea posted 10/31/2019 15:00 PM

We are - were - making great headway, and today I screwed it up. Understand but I don't.

I went to the psychiatrist. Was a really good session. Learned a lot. I was on my way home and stopped by the bar I work at. I wasn't meeting anyone. I went in to have a beer. talk to the bar tender (a friend - a girl) and go home. This is what I did. EXACTLY what I did.

BS asked me when we texted an hour or so later what I did after the dr. I thought about lying. I did. I had planned on stopping by a consignment store on way home, but did this instead.

I told him the truth. and he said FU. We argued a while via texting. He told me to leave or he would. That trust was out the window. The same things we all say to each other.
I am a very social person. I have no problem letting him know where I am at every second of the day. It is hard for me though to stay at home all day every day. I am working on it. It is hard.

One of our problems in the past was never going out. We have been. We have been going to bars and sitting..I have thought that he is doing this because he thinks it is what I want to do. Sure. But I want to do other things too. I knew he was just doing it for me and told me so today. It is not what I wanted to do. I want to go out and do things - I have suggested things. But ..

I know this is all over the place.

He says he wants to go to therapy. But he won't. He has his reasons- for some reason he thinks WE aren't ready. He isn't comfortable talking - whether it be IC or MC...

I am. I am learning a lot about myself. A lot I don't like, a lot that makes me go hmm..

But everything I learn he says is an excuse. So I quit talking. Clammed up. I am great at compartmentalizing - expert level.

I am social - he is introvert. I need some kind of social interaction sometimes - I am trying to adjust it is not easy.

Anyone understand my ramblings?

He is home now, so I will edit later.

Advice?

hikingout posted 10/31/2019 15:26 PM

Okay, I am not that familiar with you so I went and read your profile.

First of all, you had your affair in a bar and your husband has explicitly asked you not to go there. So, he is understandably upset. It would be common here for people to tell you that you really should think about getting a different job, but I won't press on that because what I want you to do in the next paragraph.

I see that you guys both had some infidelity, and that you really don't yet have your whys. I think it would help the situation dramatically if you could start working more earnestly on those. Why's are not external to you. You could have chosen a lot of other things rather than having an affair. That is not judgement, I am a fellow WS, I can tell you I should have chose a lot of other things too.

You could have spoke up. Fought for your relationship. Explained your unhappiness. Or even left. So, part of the reason you had the affair would to me land in the department that I know very, very well - and that is you are conflict avoidant. What other things can you think in your life points to being conflict avoidant. Why do you think you are? For me, it was a self worth thing, some of it was laziness and complacency too.

Another why - you felt entitled. He had neglected you and had an EA on you. You felt justified in your response. Think about where that stems from and what someone with integrity or good personal boundaries would do.

Again, it sounds like I am being harsh but I am literally giving you examples out of my own life. You felt a deep need to feel validated, what could you have done to validate yourself instead?

Your profile blames him and your relationship for the affair. Your best bet moving forward is taking accountability for your decision to have an affair instead of other actions that would have been more earnest. He also needs to get real on his reasons that are internal to him. You both need IC. In most ways, I am gathering you all are young and may have some immaturity that needs worked on, but I could be wrong.


I hope this helps bring a little perspective. Working on yourself, having your own personal boundaries, speaking up about your needs and desires, having good communication skills...these are all things needed for any good marriage or relationship. You are lacking in these categories, find ways to work on them, you will never be sorry!

notrightinthehea posted 11/1/2019 12:06 PM

hikingout

Throughout the afternoon, a lot of talking, tears, etc. I do understand it. Why it was wrong, why it hurt him.

The job isn't necessarily the problem. It is a different place from where I worked with the AP. I work about once or twice a month as a fill in when one of the day girls can't come in.

I did speak up. As we have gone through the process so far, we realize we were both unhappy for many years. He has said he recognizes that he wasn't listening. That he was also stuffing his feelings, compartmentalizing as well, just tat he - we - didn't realize it because he had never really talked about his feelings before.

As far as his A, he doesn't really recongnze it as one, AND AND - I know that I have to decide to get past that because it has been hindering me and my issues.

HDuring the arguing last night he told me he does not see the point in him going to IC. He's not the one who is broken. But our relationship is and I AM NOT BLAMING HIM - I could have made different choices - but he was a contributing facotr to both of our unhappiness in our marriage.

I did not, do not, feel justified by doing this. Two worngs do not make a right. It does not make us even, and I wasn't trying to get there. It was not a revenge affair.

It was an inconsiderate mistake. I was not thinking of anything but myself.It has not one thing to do with whether or not I still loved my husband. I did, I do and I always will.

I don't really understand why I kept going back. I hated myself for doing it. He showed me a post last night that mentioned "ego kibbles" (?) ... it made sense. Everything - with the no communication at home, the lack of attention at home, and then feeling horribly about myself every time it happened, yes,it was an ego boost.

My psychiatrist is great and he thinks we should do MC - but even if my husband is not willing, I am going to continue to go. To work on me - I am broken, he is right about that.

I pray that we can work it out.

He reads this site non-stop. But he only sees those who don't make it. I see so many who do. I realize you don't just make it - that it is a never ending work in progress. Love isn't something you make, it is something you do.

Oh. Ugh. We are not young. I am 46, he is 58. Makes it worse. I should know better.

BluesPower posted 11/1/2019 13:24 PM

I usually don't reply much to WW at this point, sometimes, but not much.

Now, I cannot figure out from all your other posts if he has had any affairs or if you have had more than one.

Some with say that is does not matter, some will say that EA is as bad as a PA, sorry, they are different.

Both hurtful, both different degrees.

However, listen, I read your profile, and even though your are fairly new to this, I think in some ways you sound like you are entitled and blame shifting to a certain extent.

I get that you are saying that you are not, that is what we are all told to say on the infidelity web sites.

But reading some of your stuff, to me, it does sound that way.

Like everyone says, your H is responsible for 50% of the marriage. Just like you are, but YOU are responsible for 100% of the cheating. See you did not have to cheat, you could have divorced. You could have done a lot of things.

Further, NOW is not the time to deal with the marital issues. NOT AT ALL. You have to deal with the gun shot wound that your H has. That takes precedence over all other things except the safety of the children, if you have any.

So I just want you to go back and understand the above so that you do not make things worse at this point.

You know, this last thing that just happened, I have to say... What were you thinking? The whole episode sounds so incredible selfish and tone deaf.

This type of stuff has to stop...COMPLETELY...


[This message edited by BluesPower at 1:24 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

hikingout posted 11/1/2019 13:40 PM

I really wish you would take a little more time to take in my post. I think you just basically have written a rebuttal to it. It's not that I take that personally at all - I get that I may have some of the details wrong, but there is a lot of fruit here for you to reap for yourself and your relationship.

What you are doing is not working, I am trying to illuminate why it is not working. You are too busy trying to convince him of something rather than take the harder, slower road of really building yourself to another level and the relationship as well. Until you can take in why we are saying you are still blaming the relationship, you aren't going to look at the places within yourself that has 1)accepted this dysfunctional relationship 2)contributed to this dysfunctional relationship 3) cheated within this relationship.


It's hard to understand, it's not the relationship it's the two people having it, you are part of that half. The cheating, you have the whole. There is always another option.

Again, I myself didn't take this option. I had to get some accountability over the stories I told myself that made the cheating okay. You are committed in some ways to keeping those types of stories as part of your narrative. I am not telling you this to lecture you, beat you over the head with it. I am telling you because I have been where you are.

For what it's worth - to answer your question about if people successfully R, H and I are happy together. I don't know if you would call us reconciled, but we are well on our way. We wouldn't be there unless I got to the point that I stopped trying to worry about controlling the outcome and talking him into things, and really did the hard long stare at myself and saw what needed changed, and did (still doing) the work to change that picture. That's not a pat on the back for me, that's a hard won part of getting some wisdom over how infidelity occurs and learning to be a successful rebuilder.

Start with some books. Read how to help your spouse heal after infidelity. It's an easy, quick read and may give you some insight that you don't seem to want to take in from your peers.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:01 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

Zugzwang posted 11/1/2019 22:23 PM

1 month from Dday due to severe TT. 5 months from the original Dday. You went to the bar to fill your "social butterfly" needs and you don't know why he is mad you went to a bar? Even though it is a different bar? APs mean nothing. Dime a dozen to cake eaters that have affairs to feed their egos. You can find an AP at any bar. He knows and understands that. He knows you need to get your ego fed by attention and socializing. That is why he is mad. That is why going to a bar without him is a huge cruel choice. Why did you have to go? You knew it was wrong. You were thinking of lying. You can't go longer without the need to fill the social butterfly need or the need for alcohol? You haven't posted much on any of your prior posts when someone challenged you and said you were wrong. You really want to move forward. Start seeing the truths. Hikingout is spot on. He isn't secure or safe with you yet. You don't even know your whys and the last time you tried to address them, you were still blameshifting it onto your husband for being a wallflower and on issues in the marriage instead of your lack of self.

FoenixRising posted 11/2/2019 10:32 AM

Youíre not an entire ladder back. Youíre still going forward. Youíre learning. And thatís ok. Hopefully your bs will will continue to be malleable as you work in yourself.

Hereís growth in what I read:

You thought about lying... you didnít. You told the truth. #win
-before it was natural to lie, yes? Itís not now.

You didnít understand why it was a big deal to stop there. But maybe you did bc you thought to lie? Either way, now you do. Be more cognizant about decisions you make. After d day, I rarely left the house and I went no where that wasnít about our family. No. Selfishness. Compassion instead. Yes I was working on myself. Yes I wanted to stop and have a drink w a friend. Yes I too had no social life prior and it was a problem.

BUT

If youíre really trying to overcome this infidelity, you need to work on yourself and be selfish in that regard all while showing compassion and understanding your BSís pain, all while owning your wrongful choice to cheat.

Looks to me that youíre starting to wake up and smell the coffee.

ETA- fight the urge to go to the places that you worry you maybe shouldnít go to... that gut feeling... itís real. If it may be a wrong choice in your Gut, it is. Doing this fight of urges, is when youíll learn more about yourself and your whys... basically diagnose your urges while youíre not giving into them. And pick up a hobby youíve always wanted to do. Something that your BS will approve of and support. Gym? Painting class? Photography? Pick something and do it. Itíll help you through your suffering realizations. Keep going. 💗

[This message edited by FoenixRising at 10:38 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

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