One year ago today, my EA turned PA. One year ago today, I physically destroyed the marriage I had already emotionally destroyed in the previous few months. Every deranged thought/action came to an irreversible head, and I lept into a world I will never be able to escape.
I had already been the betrayed...not by my husband, but by the biological father of my oldest child. The very child my husband chose to adopt, and forever make his own.
One year ago today I selfishly chose to spit in the face of every selfless act my loving husband has ever shown me.
Over what? My own broken thought process that I would never depend on a man.
I believe now I was suffering from my own PTSD. My child's biological father (my fiance at the time) molested my little sister when my child was only a few months old. Logically, I went into protection mode. My only goal was to ensure she was well taken care of in life, while simultaneously ensuring she would NEVER have to depend on a man to survive.
I look back, and I see my broken self still (adamantly lying to myself) in protection mode when I married my now BS. The first sign of discontent with me, and I chose to flee (unbeknownst to him) instead of addressing the issues we had like a mature adult.
The issue was money. I had pulled us out of a significant amount of debt in less than two years time, but we hit a rough patch, and I put the family groceries on our credit card one time. He was pissed. It was as if he forgot the work I had done, and wouldn't even hug me for months because of a small grocery store charge on a credit card.
I reacted, and not in a healthy way. Instead of insisting we face all our issues head on like a healthy couple, I went into self preservation mode, and started planning life as if he were just another male who would let us down.
I should have addressed our issues head on. He would have still loved me. Even believing he would stop loving me (what I believed then) I should have been adult enough to choose the honorable path. I wasn't. I was broken.
He knows everything. My brokenness coupled with my former AP's brokenness have effectively destroyed what could have been two great families.
My BH, and (from what I understand, but will never check up on) AP's BW are both all in for reconciliation. I'm blessed. I know this. I don't deserve the second chance I'm being given, but I'm very grateful for the grace my husband has been willing to extend to me.
I have spent the last year(ish) lurking on this site. I guess more than anything I just wanted to thank each and every one of you who has bared your heart and soul in ways that have been so teaching for someone like me.
There have been times I have hated myself because of things a BS has posted, times I have identified with both WS and BS (because of my past), and times I have felt like the 2x4's from either side were directed at me even though I was afraid to actually post.
I am committed to doing whatever work it takes to heal myself fully. I want to be safe for my BH, and I know we have a long way to go.
Really, just a thank you to SI for existing. Your community helps more than just your regular posters.
Edited to remove identifying monetary amounts and ages.
[This message edited by Lostgirl410 at 6:05 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]