"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Lostgirl410 posted 9/25/2019 23:49 PM

One year ago today, my EA turned PA. One year ago today, I physically destroyed the marriage I had already emotionally destroyed in the previous few months. Every deranged thought/action came to an irreversible head, and I lept into a world I will never be able to escape.

I had already been the betrayed...not by my husband, but by the biological father of my oldest child. The very child my husband chose to adopt, and forever make his own.

One year ago today I selfishly chose to spit in the face of every selfless act my loving husband has ever shown me.

Over what? My own broken thought process that I would never depend on a man.

I believe now I was suffering from my own PTSD. My child's biological father (my fiance at the time) molested my little sister when my child was only a few months old. Logically, I went into protection mode. My only goal was to ensure she was well taken care of in life, while simultaneously ensuring she would NEVER have to depend on a man to survive.

I look back, and I see my broken self still (adamantly lying to myself) in protection mode when I married my now BS. The first sign of discontent with me, and I chose to flee (unbeknownst to him) instead of addressing the issues we had like a mature adult.

The issue was money. I had pulled us out of a significant amount of debt in less than two years time, but we hit a rough patch, and I put the family groceries on our credit card one time. He was pissed. It was as if he forgot the work I had done, and wouldn't even hug me for months because of a small grocery store charge on a credit card.

I reacted, and not in a healthy way. Instead of insisting we face all our issues head on like a healthy couple, I went into self preservation mode, and started planning life as if he were just another male who would let us down.

I should have addressed our issues head on. He would have still loved me. Even believing he would stop loving me (what I believed then) I should have been adult enough to choose the honorable path. I wasn't. I was broken.

He knows everything. My brokenness coupled with my former AP's brokenness have effectively destroyed what could have been two great families.

My BH, and (from what I understand, but will never check up on) AP's BW are both all in for reconciliation. I'm blessed. I know this. I don't deserve the second chance I'm being given, but I'm very grateful for the grace my husband has been willing to extend to me.

I have spent the last year(ish) lurking on this site. I guess more than anything I just wanted to thank each and every one of you who has bared your heart and soul in ways that have been so teaching for someone like me.

There have been times I have hated myself because of things a BS has posted, times I have identified with both WS and BS (because of my past), and times I have felt like the 2x4's from either side were directed at me even though I was afraid to actually post.

I am committed to doing whatever work it takes to heal myself fully. I want to be safe for my BH, and I know we have a long way to go.

Really, just a thank you to SI for existing. Your community helps more than just your regular posters.

Edited to remove identifying monetary amounts and ages.

[This message edited by Lostgirl410 at 6:05 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Buffer posted 9/26/2019 01:09 AM

Heal yourself first then your BS.

Terrible history but with IC, care and support you can heal and help.

Good luck

One day at a time

fooled13years posted 9/26/2019 07:54 AM

Lostgirl410

My only goal was to ensure she was well taken care of in life, while simultaneously ensuring she would NEVER have to depend on a man to survive

I hope that you work on this issue while also working on the rest. This is not a healthy way of thinking while in a relationship let alone a marriage.

While in a partnership (marriage) you have to be able to depend on the other partner to do their share or even pick up the entire load for a time if required.

The first sign of discontent with me, and I chose to flee (unbeknownst to him) instead of addressing the issues we had like a mature adult

Your BH married you and adopted your oldest child, what would allow you to think that you could not discuss the issues with him?

There have been times I have hated myself because of things a BS has posted, times I have identified with both WS and BS (because of my past), and times I have felt like the 2x4's from either side were directed at me even though I was afraid to actually post

While everyone is different there are many issues that exist in common with both those who are WSs and those who are BSs. If something said by a BS made you question yourself then you might want to look deeper into that portion of yourself.

I do not understand any of it but why would anyone who has experienced betrayal in a different relationship chose to betray their SO in their current relationship? Cause their faithful SO the same pain they experienced at the hands of another? If you could shed some light on this for me I would appreciate it.

My BH, and (from what I understand, but will never check up on) AP's BW are both all in for reconciliation. I'm blessed. I know this. I don't deserve the second chance I'm being given, but I'm very grateful for the grace my husband has been willing to extend to me

The prospect of recovery truly is a gift given by your BH. I hope that you are able to do the work required. It appears as though there will need to be a lot of IC required as you are dealing with issues that go back quite a way.

Lostgirl410 posted 9/26/2019 14:55 PM

I hope that you work on this issue while also working on the rest. This is not a healthy way of thinking while in a relationship let alone a marriage.
While in a partnership (marriage) you have to be able to depend on the other partner to do their share or even pick up the entire load for a time if required.

This has been one of the major focuses in IC.

Your BH married you and adopted your oldest child, what would allow you to think that you could not discuss the issues with him?

We went through about a month where he would not so much as reciprocate my attempts at a hug. I believe this coupled with my brokenness,which I was in denial about, led me to allow myself to believe he didn't love me anymore. I believed I was a failure, so it was easy for me to create a false narrative in my mind about his feelings for me.

I do not understand any of it but why would anyone who has experienced betrayal in a different relationship chose to betray their SO in their current relationship? Cause their faithful SO the same pain they experienced at the hands of another? If you could shed some light on this for me I would appreciate it.

I struggle with this more than I can put into words. The disappointment with myself is heavy. When I reflect back on my actions I can see where i should have stopped myself. I can see how each boundary I crossed sent me deeper into my self created shame spiral, and strengthened my delusional sense of reality. I created a fantasy land in my head. There were moments of clarity, and they were painful.

In those moments I would try to end things, I attempted NC multiple times during each progressive stage, but the withdrawal from my fantasy was intense. I was weak. I was selfish. I was wrong. I always found a way to make excuses for why I could/should keep the "friendship," and made ridiculous justifications to myself of how I would have everything under control.

I chose to let me get so self-involved, so self-centered, so full of self-hatred, that I didn't believe I was worth enough to cause anyone else pain. "He wouldn't be hurt because he didn't love me anyway." I transferred my lack of self worth to my BH, and projected it back to myself in my own mind. I think now that maybe I was trying so hard to self-destruct that anyone in my way became collateral damage, and I was too far off the rails to see the reality in front of me.

That might not really be insight, but it's what I've got so far. I continue to work towards understanding how I could have allowed myself to get there, and most importantly, how to rebuild my brain to be healthy. A healthy brain would never go where mine did. I can't change what I've done, but I can make sure I never hurt anyone like this again.

Lifeitself posted 9/28/2019 05:10 AM

How are you doing lost girl?

TCarp posted 9/28/2019 08:29 AM

I do not understand any of it but why would anyone who has experienced betrayal in a different relationship chose to betray their SO in their current relationship? Cause their faithful SO the same pain they experienced at the hands of another? If you could shed some light on this for me I would appreciate it

Not that you have to understand it, but it's similar with abuse victims who turn into abusers. It's such a horrible experience that they typically say they would never, ever abuse another person. However, it happens a lot. Why? Who knows? I would speculate that often the pain and trauma is pushed down to the point where it boils over to the person doing exactly what they said they wouldn't. Also I think the constant focus on the event(s) has the person slowly migrate toward that very action. Undealt with trauma is a powerful motivator. That's why safe community is so important. As we stay inside our head with the painful stuff, we can believe some stupid lies. Lies like I am not worth love etc.

Me: WH 55
Her: BW 58
Married 30 years
2 Kiddos: 24yo daughter, 12yo son
1st DDay 1/6/2008, final: 11/2009

Lostgirl410 posted 9/28/2019 12:04 PM

Lifeitself

I'm doing pretty well. Thank you for asking. I was worried the particular day might send me into a dark place emotionally, and even more concerned about the effect it might have on my BH.

As for me, I think writing here was very therapeutic. I was able to release some of the emotional baggage in a place that wasn't my therapist's office.

BH wanted to handle it by talking a little about the progress we have made, and creating a positive memory to associate with the date. He felt acknowledging the pain, strengthening our communication, and creating good memories would be the most healing for him. It ended up being really beneficial for us both.

TCarp
That is an interesting perspective. My IC has said something similar in relation to the importance of healing oneself to become safe for the rest of the world.