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Realisation

Itsallmyfault posted 9/17/2019 12:24 PM

Iíve come to some self realisation since me and XBS have split about myself and my actions. I initially took all the blame without fixing any issues or helping with the whyís. Then I started to blame my AP raping me and that I wasnít in my right mind (yes I know, luckily that denial fog didnít last long) but finally realising mainly to do with lack of self worth, lack of strength in handling things healthily and lack in trust in my XBS to be my safe person and tell him about my assault, rather than apologise to AP/Rapist and attempt to cover it up (long story, posted a thread on it a week or so back)

But why wasnít he that person I could tell. Well we spoke for hours on end last night about how we got to that place. He said he never felt like he could open up to me or talk about the deep stuff because from day 1 he felt like I would always end up leaving him for someone else, because he thought I was ďout of his leagueĒ, so protect himself he shut me out.

Couple years later, he had a suspected EA/ONS. I still hadnít given him any sign his concerns were correct and but he was on a path of wanting to be free from me. One night I found that he wasnít with his male friend as he told me but he spent the night with a female friend Iíd never met or heard of. They hung out, watched a movie etc. Nothing physical he says to this day. When I went to check his messages to/from her they were all deleted. I asked if I can call her to confirm his story. He ran from the house and I later found called her, before returning home and telling me that I could indeed check with her. I saw the messages to his male friend bragging about staying the night with her, but he told me it was just childish lad behaviour. I was a SAHM with our young child and I guess I wanted to believe it was all in my head. Later (a week of two) I questioned something like the movie they watched and he got really angry and asked if Iím going to keep bringing it up for the rest of our lives. I decided not to and put it to bed. Tried to forget. He continued on this way throughout the years. Telling me heís going for quick drink but then by 11pm his phone is off or he just ignores me calls and messages, sometimes Iíd find out he lied who he was with where he was.

None of this excuses what I done Iím just trying to make sense of how I ended up feeling like he wasnít my person enough to tell him what my boss had done to me. In these years of doubt, lack of trust, I ended up putting my walls up, big time. Every time I tried to talk feelings he shut me down. Told me he would be in car home from work and dread coming back to me moaning about him or tough day with kids. I really convinced myself I had no worth or values to him. That I was his comfortable SAHM who made him dinner and cleaned his clothes. But any of the deep stuff was off limits. So slowly, year after year, I gave up. Gave up on loving myself. Gave up on trying to make it work. Then I got my job. My first job. People called me by my first name, not sure XBS partner or DSmother. I felt respected by my peers as a person and equal and I lapped that shit up like I would you wouldnít believe. That job, that life, became who I was. When I left the office I went back to being ignored, him going out all hours, cooking cleaning and feeling like I wasnít a person to him. Outside our home I felt like I had an identity.

Again, no justification, but this is all starting to build up to the person I became. Selfish. Greedy. So obsessed with proving my value and worth that I allowed myself to go back to my AP/Rapist, and fuck him again. Iíd closed myself off and no longer saw my XBS as my life partner. He didnít want me I told myself. But I was just justifying it. I know the reasonings behind why I wanted to go back to my boss and sleep with him. I know it was me feeling my dignity, control, power slip away more and more and more and I wanted to take charge. I canít want to die from that guilt for my whole life. But it still left the question of, ok you wanted to heal in your sick twisted way, you wanted to take back something stolen from you - but why not confess? End the relationship? Because I was still getting my self worth fix from that job and from that life. I had to decide between being independent and being an equal and being the comfortable doormat to me XBS and I chose wrong. I did the unthinkable and prioritised my own feelings of worth and power, my feelings that I wanted more from my life, that I couldnít go back to feeling so useless to him. The going back to the AP was all on me. But I had a breakthrough in understanding it canít be justified by rape trauma or my XBS behaviour. I continued to do it and thatís no longer a choice made in an unhealthy mindset, that was cold calculated betrayal and I didnít even realise the severity of it because I felt so hurt about what had happened to me. I spent a decade telling myself he hurt me. He did this. He did that. But it was me, who didnít end the relationship if I was unhappy. It was me deciding a power trip was worth more than trying to tell him what was going on. It was me that closed myself off to him for nearly our whole relationship together. I could of kept my walls down and knocked his down too and made him see what we could be. What we found shortly after D-Day when all of this shit came to light. I told him all the things I should have. And the last thing I could t tell him was the whyís because I felt like I had so so many. But taking some reflection, time on my own now heís left me, to realise everything is irrelevant. That I was such a slave to feeling worthy I would fuck up my life to keep that feeling. I was so obsessed with control I destroyed my family to make myself feel ďbetterĒ. Not him. Not his actions. Not the rape. Not the resentment. Not the panic or feeling trapped. How dare I for a second resent the way he hurt me when it was so painfully innocent in comparison. It was me and me alone that jumped back into bed with him.me and me alone that lied through my teeth to hide that. It was me that broke myself thinking it was fixing me. It was me that put the nail in the coffin the day I was leaving with a handful of pills to OD because I couldnít suffer the pain of my own guilt anymore. He caught me. And I know now that was the biggest victim move of all the stunts and shit I pulled on that poor man.

Heís told last night weíre done for good. That he tried but canít see it working. I know itís his choice. I will wait give him space and leave him alone as thatís what he wants. But this is where Iím still not right, healthy, not fixed. So now I really donít have a choice but to try and fix that self hate, lack of self worth part of me. I donít know if subconsciously I was doing it for him and not even myself by doing IC and learning and reading and listening to any resources I could get my hands on. In the space of one day Iíve just gone straight behind my walls again. I have to push through and do this for me now. But I donít know how. He was the drive behind me wanting to change myself and how I was so messed up, such an attention seeking little child. Now I know itís finished I donít know how to fight for me.

I understand Iíve basically just used the box as a journal to vent and woe is me, and itís all over the place. I just needed some outlet for the internal fight my brain is having with itself

assjack posted 9/23/2019 20:26 PM

Itsallmyfault. I feel for you. One book that has helped me with self worth etc is the journey from abandonment to healing.

Itsallmyfault posted 9/26/2019 05:35 AM

Assjack- thanks I will check that out as only thing I can do now is fix that part of me that was so desperate for validation of my worth.

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