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I am failing.....

Eaglethedog posted 9/3/2019 18:57 PM

WS. DDay was almost a year ago. 3 year EA/SA. BS found out,I cut all ties with AP. Went to IC, lost my job because of affair. Started new job in February, re-started IC and start MC. Things had been getting better. Then, through therphy,a ONS that I forgot about from almost 18 years ago resurfaces. Not wanting to hide anything from my BS, I talk to my MC about how to approach this. We talked about it today in therapy. It went about how you'd expect. She feels betrayed, disrespected and asking if I even ever loved her. We're still married as of right now but it's my biggest fear that this will be the straw that breaks the camels back. I didn't want her to think that I was hiding things from here. I know that I've destroyed her in was I didn't think we're possible just because I was stupid and selfish. Just sitting here with all the guilt and hurt I've caused.

Sorry about the wall of text. First time I've told my story here. Long time lurker. Any advice would be welcomed.

foreverlabeled posted 9/3/2019 21:26 PM

Hey welcome to posting. It helps.

Some first thoughts,

If you have ANYTHING else to confess to now is the time, do not wait. I know you feel like you are failing and I see it otherwise. You told her when you remembered knowing exactly what would happen and didn't have to fess up to the ONS, probably something you could have taken to your grave. The fact you didn't, that's not exactly a fail.

But, it is another dday and the clock is reset. And your BS is of course devastated and lost, shocked, just right back into the throes of her trauma. It would be wise if you reset your thoughts/actions and put yourself right back there with her. I can imagine the fear you are facing but if I may say, something I had to learn myself.. fear is a choice. You can choose the opposite, let go of the outcome and just show up with a lot of courage. I know it's easy for me to sit here and say that to you. It's just I've been there, you've been there too. I'm sure you thought your first dday would do you guys in. Fearful of the future.

Sounds like you did helpful things in the aftermath first go round. Is there anything you learned in that time that maybe you thought you could do better or more of. Are there things you know that were absolutely right for her that you can be doing? Keep the communication open with her listen to the pain and step into it. It's not over yet so don't act like it. Just show up.

FoenixRising posted 9/3/2019 21:27 PM

Long time lurker do you know the drill... itís just so hard to see straight bc youíre in the fishbowl.

You did the right thing coming forth with that memory and honestly, the fact that you willingly told her and if itís been hidden for all these years she may have never known. I think you did the most selfless, hard, courageous, genuine, loving thing for her by doing that. I really do.

Selfless because affairs are so selfish and you coukd have continued to carry the lie but you know that your BS deserves truth so you put her needs above your own and risked losing your M. You know that for it to be the healthiest marriage, it has to be about her choice to stay, knowing the truth. Her needs were rightfully so put above your own.

Hard bc 1,000 reasons but like double hard bc you knew you were bringing her ANOTHER d-day.

Courageous because once you go through this once and in your reconciliation case have a memory of decades before and you donít run like a coward and hide or fall back in old wayward ways. No, not you. Not in this new marriage... youíre facing it head in with loyalty in your heart, and courage in your action.

Genuine because youíre doing this for Your spouse and her healing and growth and future BUT also yours bc to live a healthy life, you must be honest.

Loving because youíre doing the right thing even though you know it will bring anguish. Youíre smart to realize though how much more love your marriage can feel as you continue to recover. Remember, 18 years ago was the old marriage... the old wayward partner kept that secret all those years. This new Ďeagleí is not wayward and loves his spouse so much that he recognizes the value in honesty within commitment. Youíre working so Hard to become safe again.

All these things reaffirm youíre right to come forward with the infidelity youíve recovered through IC... keep doing the work. Sending all the good vibes.

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