SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For a while I thought I had moved on. (I updated my story on my profile). I haven't been on this site for a while. I knew I didn't love him, but I felt like I could "fake" it; fake being a happy family.

I haven't even seen anything on his stupid Words with Friends app for a while(where he messages women and says inappropriate things, fishing for affairs is how I feel about it). I don't check it very often...it doesn't matter.

But now I have this animosity towards him. I cannot live like this anymore. I find myself saying snarky things to him, and about him to my kids (not horrible, but not great being that it is their dad). Of course WS has no idea why I would feel this way. I know he has put all of this cheating behind him- I mean, he thinks that I do not know anything...I cannot prove anything.

I AM SO MAD. WHEN HE TOUCHES ME I WANT TO CUT HIS HAND OFF. I remember wishing him dead in 2010 when I first found out...I imagined him being murdered...sad for my kids but that was my feeling. Those feelings are resurfacing. I want to stab him in the eye. I wish he'd get in a car accident or have a heart attack.

I am so selfish for feeling that way. I lost my dad when I was 10 years old, so I know how hard it is losing a parent, but why would I wish that then??

I feel like I cannot talk to anyone. But when WS says something stupid, or does something dumb, just everyday things., my voice/my reactions change...

I hate that I am feeling this way. I just needed to vent. I hate that I have wishes that I could murder him. of course I would not do that, but that is in my dreams, my daydreams.

Why does this have a handle on me 9 years later?? So embarrassing that this has been going on for 9 years, multiple times...and I continue to let it...

Because he's taken the p*SS out of you for so long, and thinks he's gotten away with it, I imagine. I completely understand your animosity. It annoys me beyond measure that WS's stupid, selfish behavior is indirectly affecting the kids, yet we are supposed to play nice because he's their dad. And not make him look bad in their eyes. Which makes us look bad for not getting along nicely.

Do you think you might be better out of it?

Your thoughts, feelings and words are powerful. I am glad this forum exists for you to vent and "talk to somebody". I imagine some serious IC will help in this regard. Don't let these thoughts turn inward. Stop allowing yourself to be a doormat ... though I should practice what I preach.

I read your profile. Your anger is completely justified and normal.

You have been treated poorly and cheated on. Then you realize he used your kindness and understanding to continue to cheat while you expected it to cease once you see married.

I think you need some professional counseling for you. Not marriage counseling but your own counselor. So you can get some support and guidance.

He appears to be a serial cheater who enjoys gaslighting you.

How awful he uses your desire to spare your children the loss of a father against you, and abuses that care you have.

How right you are to be angry and how right you are to release that anger, as, kept in and suppressed, it will turn on you and turn into depression.

I applaud your strength and efforts to keep the family together. I recognise myself in them as I wasn’t going to let my children suffer as a result of his poor choices. But I had a remorseful husband working on himself. It’s not clear what you have. If you don’t have a remorseful reformed husband then I am not sure if staying together for the children is achieving your purpose and wonder if the huge sense of relief at letting go of the burden that you might get from ‘giving up’ on hope about his behaviour and moving on without him might not make a positive change for your children, with you spreading relief and joy around, not having to fake it any more. Enjoying being the authentic you that you clearly want to be.

I understand a lot of what you are feeling. I have the same feelings.

I also have a hard time when WH touches me. Sometimes when he touches me I flinch. I can't control it, it just happens. There are times when it will make me angry aswell when he touches me.

But when WS says something stupid, or does something dumb, just everyday things., my voice/my reactions change...

My reactions change aswell. Sometimes I get annoyed sometimes I get angry, really depends on the topic.

You have been treated poorly and cheated on. Then you realize he used your kindness and understanding to continue to cheat while you expected it to cease once you see married.

^^^ I agree with 1stwife.

It's really hard or at least for me to wrap my head around the fact that WH would use me like that just so he could continue to cheat. There's taking advantage of someones kindness but this takes it to a completely different level.

It took me a long time to figure out why and where my feelings were coming from and I still don't have them all figured out.

I know the animosity and anger comes from what he did but a lot of it comes what he did or didn't do after I found out about all the cheating.

The lack of remorse, blameshifting and lying really has become fuel for my anger. Now it doesn't matter what it is but as soon as he lies to me I get angry. Even if I don't have physical proof that he is lying I know when he is lying.

Trust for me is really important and it plays a big role in my reactions when it comes to WH. He never tried to build the trust back up. And some of the things that could have helped build trust he used to be sneaky and continue doing what he does.

I know I had to spend a lot of time really figuring out where the anger was coming from. What the underlining emotion was and for me it was fear. Scared that he could emotionally hurt me again. Scared that if I let him touch me that I could catch something. Scared that my world could me turned upside down again.

If you can afford IC then I would recommend going.

So embarrassing that this has been going on for 9 years, multiple times...and I continue to let it...

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. We all handle what we think is the best way to handle a situation and for whatever our reasons are.

Develop an optional/backup long term plan to become independent from him financially and socially. Set money aside for you every month (even $5), stay fit, start a new hobby, spoil yourself. Consider a journal of his behavior s and how it makes you feel (if it helps you).

Benefits:

- less focus on the present

- less focus on him

- hope for a better future

- provides you with a sense of control.