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Need Support

Maddylynn posted 5/12/2019 22:55 PM

I first found this site a little under three years ago. My husband (whom I had been with for 18 years) cheated on me and left me for a younger woman (who was pregnant with someone else's child.) I came to find out that he was looking for another relationship for awhile. Two months after I kicked him out his GF dumped him and he moved 3000 miles away- leaving behind all of his problems and his kid (who is now 9.) That year I visited this site often and found a lot of support. I also found out that I had a great personal support system. My mother, father, sister, brother, cousin and two best friends really pulled through for me. Later that year I met another man and despite my initial reservations about being in a relationship he won me over. I fell in love really fast. I knew that he was bipolar, but I did not learn what that really meant until later. As I became closer to my new man my family drifted further and further from me. People stopped answering phone calls and returning messages. He is very very good to them all ( 100 x better than my ex) so I know that is not it. I think that they figure that since I was always strong before I can be strong now....but I can't. I'm still broken. I don;t know where to turn to. Having a bipolar husband is so hard. It's like living with the person you love the most in the world one minute and a stranger the next. He compulsively lies or exaggerates about small things. I know this is part of the disease. I have talked to his parents and doctors, but because of my past history with my ex trust is hard. I no longer have the support system I once did and I need somewhere I can go to talk. I hope that this is still a place for me. Right now I feel like my whole life is a disaster. I hate my job. My kid is a very difficult child and was just diagnosed with ADHD. I suffer from depression...and my husband and I have had nothing but trouble for the past few months. There is nothing I want more in the world than for him to look at me the way he used to...but his depression and our ensuing arguments are not leaving much room for that. Has anyone else fallen in love, but every time something goes wrong you feel a shadow of the past relationship and are now scared...? How do you keep the past relationship problems from coloring your view of the new relationship...? How long do these scars last...?

hardtimesinlife posted 5/13/2019 09:07 AM

Hi Maddylynn
This site is perfect for what you are going through. You are still carrying that baggage from infidelity, which I think is a tough bit of baggage to carry even without all the other stuff you are facing. I've dealt with a bipolar friend and it was difficult, never a romantic relationship though, so I have nothing valuable to add about that.

My thought is that you might want to cultivate the relationships with the people who supported you before. They may feel that you pulled away once you were no longer struggling and that they aren't needed anymore. It's important in my opinion to round out our lives with extended family/friends even when we are in a secure romantic relationship. It's all about balance and that balance somehow makes the individual problems seem more manageable.

boisesister posted 5/14/2019 08:25 AM

Please find a NAMI chapter in your city. They have support groups for family members and can help you.

Also, you'll be able to find treatment options, etc. It doesn't sound like your husband has the proper treatment if he is chronically lying. That's only typical in manic phases.

ErinHa posted 5/14/2019 14:55 PM

You are definitely going through a lot in your life right now. My ex is bi-polar and you describe it perfectly...one minute you know who he is, the next it's like talking to a stranger. I also have a difficult kid who is ADHD and it's so challenging all the time.

I would recommend trying to look at the situation without thinking of your ex or past at all. Try to identify the problems of today without thinking of the past hurt from him. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed I'll just list my issues/problems without feeling like need to solve them...then work on solving them another day.

The scars might last forever but hopefully they become wisdom and experience rather than hurt and depression. Everyone out there has issues, problems, and situations they are dealing with.

I think the idea of some group help would be great for you! I've been seeing an absolutely amazing therapist for almost two years now and also going to co-dependent support groups. Do some IC if you can or go talk to others who are dealing with this. It'll get better if you start to define it and work on it.

I wish you peace and hope this helps...it's very very hard to deal with all of this stuff so give yourself a break too. It's confusing, consuming and confounding. You have at least reached out in this forum which is a great step.

Keep posting, we know what you're going through and at a minimum there are caring people here to listen.

CatsEye posted 5/18/2019 13:25 PM

I'm not a psychologist or therapist, but I've read a fair amount about various disorders. If you guys are exaggerating (which would be perfectly understandable), then I don't have much to offer beyond sympathy.

But if your partners really are changing from minute to minute, then there's a good chance that they have been misdiagnosed. My understanding is that both the depressive phase and the manic phase last days or longer in someone with bipolar. Someone whose moods are changing from minute to minute is much more likely to be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. And if the medicine for treating bipolar disorder isn't helping, that's another red flag that it may have been misdiagnosed.

Best of luck.

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