Given the periodic Plan-A/Plan-B threads here (which does seem to be a concern for many BHs) , as someone who was so obsessed with being Plan-A, I thought I should explain what I have learned over a decade about being a Plan-A.
In my own story, the only dealbreaker for me was I not being a Plan A to my X-F. Those months of trying to reason with my then X-F had actually made my moral compass go crazy, I didn't care if it was indeed a PA or if she wasn't going to talk about what happened. I just wanted to be the guy she finally chose. In other words, I was ready to be a cuckold and too happy to rugsweep, just to hear that I was Plan-A. Pathetic, I know. And that is why after so many years, I feel stupid for having to worry about that elusive designation. Here goes:
So, to begin with, who is not a Plan-A?
1. Plan A is not ipso facto who she chose:
If a junkie chooses to get a lifetime supply of her drug foregoing a lifetime supply of good health, does that mean the drug was her Plan A?
Stupid actions taken under the influence of drugs do not define a lifetime choice a sane person would have made. Honestly, if your WW had to meet you and her AP before you were even in a relationship, would she have chosen the AP? A lot of WS affair down and given the nature of most APs none of them would have been a flashy sports car when they are looked at without the mundane life.
I cannot understand why some of the BHs consider themselves the minivans and are proud about it. If anything most BHs are probably Jags or AMGs in the dating market. If the APs are such hot commodities, why on earth would they have to go for a married woman and not try and score one of the millions of hot single women out there?
2. It is not "needs" vs "wants". It should be "wants" vs "wants"
Husbands chosen for reliability is not Plan B. Husbands chosen for needs is Plan B. "Needs" keep you pinned down, not letting you choose what you really "want". "Want" is something you would reach out and grab. If the WW chooses her BH for "needs" such as finance, family commitments, kids - everything that falls under the entire Maslow's hierarchy, to put it simply - and that means "the need to do the right thing" too as that falls under the self actualization needs - then she is being held a "prisoner" by her BH for her needs.
The AP certainly isn't fulfilling the needs, but instead fulfilling her want of happiness. Through ego-kibbles, adoration, sweet nothings, cheap thrill, etc.
The BH, instead ought to be fulfilling her want of contentment. Emotional bonds, goodwill through years of working as a team, friendship, familial love, etc that had accumulated through marital history. As it often happens, the WW rewrites the marital history. Without that cognitive dissonance aka fog, the WW cannot "lurve" her AP.
The BH is also someone that the WW should want if she has lofty goals for the future, like growing old with a respectable, caring family-man. As it also happens the WW often loses sight of what she dreamt for a future when she married her BH because that would mean she had indeed married the right person. What blasphemy!! So, like a junkie that goes for her drug, she goes for her AP.
There are of course some sane WWs who still don't rewrite the marital history or lose their vision for a happy future. Perhaps those are the rare WWs who in fact can claim that their BHs were their Plan As because they "want" their BHs and not just need them.
But remember the first rule? Plan-A is still not ipso facto who is chosen
So that brings us to the final and perhaps the only true way of determining who in fact is Plan-A.
3. Plan-A is what you worked hard for to achieve, who you worked hard for to have in your life.
If just wanting something makes it a Plan-A, then everyone's Plan-A will be flashy sports cars and million dollar villas in the French riviera. A Plan-A is something that is achievable and yet doesn't get handed on a platter. A Plan-A is known only post-facto based on the motivation of an individual that led him/her to work hard towards it.
And that is why, I have a hard time believing when some new BS on this site tell us about how they were their spouse's Plan-A. If your spouse thought you will allow him/her rugsweep and avoid the complicated drama of exposure and divorce if they didn't go for the AP, then guess what? You are the easy-A.
As it so happens, in an R, the motivation of the WS often recedes over a period of time when they start to believe they have done enough work. Self-pity sets in and entitlement rears its head.There are BS who come back here posting how after 5 years their WS cheated again or goes back to the pre-A behavior. If the WW only needs the BH and not wants him, it is because she is foggy and entitled. Such a WW takes her BH for granted, believes he isn't going anywhere and does the bare minimum to keep him tagging along. OTOH, a remorseful WW knows what she wants, knows how valuable the marriage is and knows how close she is to losing it by inaction. Such a WW doesn't feel entitled and works her ass off to get what she wants for her dream future.
If you are a BH you cannot know if you are Plan-A unless your WS puts in the work for a sustained duration, to show that they feel they must "earn" you back because they "want" you. That motivation doesn't come back just after they go NC and get out of the fog. They need to gain the desire for that dream they envisioned when they married the BS. Of course, it is stained now. And that itself demotivates a lot of WS. Then again there is the incentive that there are no one to compete with - except perhaps time, to win back what they almost lost. A remorseful AND motivated WS if she understands this, and also understands that she doesn't deserve that dream future but still she can have it if she works hard enough, will let you find out if you are indeed Plan-A many years after the affair.
Just my 2 cents.
[This message edited by hadji at 6:32 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]
