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Need advice for my daughter.

starmoonchild posted 5/1/2019 13:47 PM

I have been through hell over the past 6 years because of my FWS affair. Now I’m dealing with my daughter who recently had an A with a married man. They met through a former boyfriend she had. It lasted a few months and included sexual involvement. He told her during the A that his relationship has been bad for years with no sex, no displays of affection ever and no relationship to speak of.
They recently ended the A and now she is heartbroken and saying he was her best friend and lover. She is pining for him. He says he cannot leave as his children are not grown and would be devastated. I keep telling her that the “perfect” relationship she had with him was a fantasy and that if he was her best friend it was because there was no commitment needed on his part and he was just enjoying fun and sex with another woman. She keeps saying he’s different and hasnt lied to her, that he doesn’t even kiss his wife. Sure.
We all know that’s true! I cannot get through to her to pull out of this sadness over him. Anybody have advice for what I should tell her?

Bigheart2018 posted 5/1/2019 13:50 PM

Is your daughter married?

heartwords posted 5/1/2019 14:04 PM

Tell her that's not the life you want for her, to be the OW, and what a terrible thing this is doing, tearing apart someone else's family. It doesn't matter of the man doesn't have any intimate contact with his wife, that's something they need to work out, putting his energy on your daughter does not do anything to help repair his relationship, only takes time away from his family-his children that he talked about having to be there for.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help, maybe check the Healing Library for any articles or books

Rideitout posted 5/1/2019 14:18 PM

1. He's sleeping with his wife. A lot. Most likely directly after he sleeps with you because it revs up his sex drive.

2. You're a toy to him, he's probably laughing at you with his friends behind your back.

3. Corallary to number 2, if you've ever sent him nude pictures, his friends have seen them. They probably have copies. If you've sent him sappy texts, his friends have probably seen them too and laughed at you.

4. There are likely others. If not other women he's sleeping with, other women he's trying to sleep with. It takes a lot of "at bats" to get a hit when your bat sucks, and he's got a really shitty bat. Most women will run the other way from a man who's married. Finding one who will be an AP probably takes dozens of approaches and/or "potential AP's" before he finds one dumb enough (sorry) to say yes.

5. People leave marriages all the time with children. It's a convenient excuse.

6. There will ALWAYS be a convenient excuse why he can't leave. A year from now, 20 years from now, it doesn't matter. If he wanted to leave, he would leave. His actions tell the story here, not his sob story about "can't leave yet".

7. You will waste your life and your reproductive years for this man.

8. Very, very few affairs go on to lasting marriage. Something like 1-3 out of 100. Those odds are terrible. And that's just "stay married" it's not happily married.

9. If you do somehow wind up married to him, he will very likely cheat on you.

10. He doesn't respect you. If he did, he wouldn't put you into the "AP role" in his life.

That should help.

DesertLily posted 5/1/2019 17:24 PM

I had a girlfriend that found out she was the OW. At first she broke it off, but like a moth to a flame...

My friend said many of the same things your daughter has said. What a great guy he is. He and his wife are never intimate. Etcetera, etcetera.

I had a very serious talk with my friend. Mind you, this was before I discovered my WH's crap, but I think I would still say something similar.

I told her that even if he is Prince Charming, even if he's honest, caring, and your best friend, even if he leaves his wife to marry you and stays honest, caring, and your best friend until the day he dies, the two of you will never have a Happily Ever After.

My friend's family is very traditional. She, herself, was D because of her WH's A. I reminded her of how she felt about that, how it affected her family, her son. I asked her how her family would react to the situation, how her son would react. And I made her say it, outloud, knowing that the answer was that they'd never, ever accept him. No Xmases with family. No Bbqs. No Saturdays at the park.

I then asked her how his kids would react to her, the OW that ended their family. I made her think about and be honest, and most importantly, say it outloud so she could hear the truth from herself.

Because the truth of the matter is: Nothing that begins with lies and deception, nothing that causes family destruction and pain, nothing that begins in darkness can possibly end in blessings.

A tree only produces one kind of fruit, and that fruit depends on the seed planted. Remind her that what she sows, she will reap. Make sure the seeds you plant today don't produce the hemlock you'll die from tomorrow.

Anyway, that was my big talk with my friend. And she did stay away from him for a while. Then I became a BS, and we're no longer friends.

The1stWife posted 5/1/2019 21:17 PM

As a parent I doubt anything you say will be well received.

You need an outsider or someone else to talk to her unfortunately.

My child was in a very abusive relationship. I never said “get away from this toxic relationship”. I listened and nodded. I supported in any way I can. But I had to set limits at times and not have the drama live in my house.

It finally ended. But my child doesn’t see the relationship as abusive as it was. Still considers they “dated”. Cheated on, lied to, manipulated etc. but had I said “lose this person” it would have sent my child running towards the relationship sadly.

Maybe a few posts she reads here could help. She can see how she was lied to and “used” as a side piece. That may help more than anything a parent can do.

Marie2792 posted 5/2/2019 08:22 AM

Direct her to this website and let her read the Just Fojnd Out threads.

She should probably speak to a therapist who will assure her that she is worthy of being someone’s number one. Of having that love whichbis just for her. A professional who can show her that she is being used by the MM.

cheatstroke posted 5/2/2019 08:45 AM

1) Buy a pumpkin
2) Drill a hole in the side
3) Write "FUCK HOLE" under the hole
4) Take a picture of it
5) Hang the picture on the refrigerator next to a picture of her AP
6) Write "<daughter's name> and <AP's name> - the HAPPY couple" under the pictures

That should get some sort of message across...

Edie posted 5/2/2019 10:14 AM

Think I’ll go for a calmer message than that one 😊

She has a void that she is trying to fill with married AP. Get her to focus on that instead. How she tried to fit him into that void. But he can’t fit because he comes with wife and family. Get her to focus on herself, her hobbies, friends etc to counter her loneliness. She will be going through withdrawal and you can help her see it is withdrawal from ‘it’, feel good feelings and endorphins from ‘it’, not him per se, so she can depersonalise it from him, which will help with the withdrawal and detaching.

She only ‘attached’ in the first place because of something missing in her life. Once she can identify that and realise that any convenient compatible person could help fulfil that missing thing, and that there’s nothing special about him, she will hopefully start to feel less lovelorn. Also, helping her to see the destructiveness of her behaviour - trying to take something that is not hers to take, to insert herself into a marriage, where she does not belong - should eventually and hopefully help her to see its sordid, sleazy and selfish side rather than the idealised romantic version she is possibly peddling currently. What were the reasons it broke up?

EvenKeel posted 5/2/2019 11:21 AM

.....hasnt lied to her
Ok - lets say that it is true that he hasn't like to her ( double ), he is still a liar. When she writes up her list of the type of man she wants. Liar should not be in the column.

She keeps saying he’s different...
Bottomline you can not convince her otherwise. This is something she has to see on her own.

Many of us have been with someone who we can only see through those rose-colored glasses no matter what ppl tell us. HAND RAISED!

What does she think is the long term plan here? She will waste away her life waiting for him to be at a time in his M that he feels he can leave?

As other poster recommended - I would send her to SI. Sometimes unvested opinions are best because we have no dog in that race.

Awwe Mom - it is a hard situation. It speaks volumes that you have a R with her that allows you know about this situation. I know it is hard to see/hear, but at least she is speaking about it.

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