Hi everyone,
I apologise in advance for the long, disjointed post but I am at breaking point and on the verge of losing everything, desperate for advice.
I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 10. Our marriage was never an easy one, we’ve both struggled with mental health issues (him: depression me: anxiety and OCD)
We were told we may never be able to have children, so it was an enormous shock to find ourselves pregnant just 6 weeks after we were married.
We were thrown head first into being parents and never really had that honeymoon period of just being us. We never had the opportunity as newlyweds to travel, enjoy each other’s company, socialise etc. We were very young and suddenly had this other human that took over and controlled our lives.
We were so grateful and adored our son, but it was such a hard period in our lives. I suffered with PND and my husband shut down and struggled to deal with everything. We were too young and inexperienced to even recognise that we were suffering from mental health issues - I just thought that was the norm for us.
Fast forward 3 years and we started to reclaim our independence and lives a little, however my anxiety was still a huge problem. I have always felt unlovable, unattractive and wondered what my husband actually saw in me. Not a day went by where I wasn’t convinced he was interested in other women, didn’t find me attractive and didn’t love me.
This led to me seeking attention and validation from another man. It started with flattering text messages and flirting and ended up in a one night stand that understandably tore my H’s world apart. I hated myself and it made me feel worse than ever before.
We stayed together however neither of us dealt with the affair. It was swept under the rug and avoided, never mentioned again. Looking back, my H went through the ‘hysterical bonding’ phase and we naively believed we were over the affair and healed. We never sought counselling for the affair or for our mental health issues.
We went on to have another son, during the childbirth I almost died as did our son. It was traumatic and as a result my H and slipped back into our anxious and depressive states. We drifted so far apart we barely felt like a married couple. There was no intimacy, lots of arguing and so much distance. We were focusing solely on our children and being the best parents we could be, we totally neglected each other. I would try to hold my husbands hand and he would pull away from me, there was no closeness.
In bed, he would build a wall out of the duvet between us despite me longing for physical touch and intimacy. We had absolutely no idea how to communicate with each other. At best, we felt like roommates. We co existed, miserably.
Last year I felt like I had had enough of living this way. I didn’t even think I loved my husband and was absolutely certain he didn’t love me. I struggled massively with the idea of love and spent most of my time wondering what love really was and if I had ever felt it. I told my H I wanted to separate. He was devastated and begged to seek counselling, anything to make me stay. I was so convinced we weren’t in love and had started confiding in another man. You can see where this is going...this man became not only my confidante, but we embarked on a relationship. My husband does not believe we were separated at this time and very much considers it to be an affair.
I was still living at home with my husband but living another life with this man. My husband was once again devastated. I broke his heart. He tried to commit suicide after finding out I was in a relationship with this man - his lowest point: I helped him seek the help he needed and he began taking anti depressants. That was 8 months ago.
We agreed to stay living together due to our two small children but I continued my relationship with this other man for about a month.
During this point I began to realise everything I was seeking within my affair and separation were actually things I had been seeking from my H, I just didn’t know how to even begin asking for them within my marriage or fixing our problems. I had a huge moment of realisation and ended my relationship with the other man. It wasn’t making me happy and all I could think about was how I wish the feelings and emotions I was feeling were happening with my H. Does that even make sense?! Probably not.
My H and I continued to live in the same house with our children, co existing and raising our boys. I was no longer in a relationship with the other man and genuinely believed we were getting close again and enjoying each other’s company. On rare occasions, we were physically intimate. I was gearing up to tell my husband how I felt and that I wanted us to try again, start afresh and build a better stronger marriage.
In December 2018 my H sent me a text message telling me he had started talking to a girl 20 years younger than him online. They had been talking for months and had recently had a discussion in which they admitted they had feelings for each other and wanted to meet up and explore a relationship together. They had arranged to meet up in January, after Christmas. My H had believed we were completely done and was hoping to move out after our last Christmas together with the boys, although hadn’t communicated this to me.
I was so upset. Devastated. I truly believed we were working towards a reconciliation.
I told him how I felt and how I had been feeling. I had embarked on individual counselling to address why I had affairs and what went wrong and I was feeling more aware than ever before. I also knew I loved my husband.
He was incredibly confused and shaken up by what I told him, understandably so.
After a week of us both crying, soul searching and going over everything, he agreed not to meet up with this girl and consider if he could ever see us as a couple again.
That was 4 months ago - which brings us up to today. He still cannot give me an answer as to whether he wants to try again.
His feelings seem to swing wildly. Some days he tells me he cannot continue anymore and is done and that he wants to end it and move on. Then when the reality of that hits him, he stalls and says he still has feelings for me.
He is so very conflicted, again, I understand this.
In summary, he says; he does still love me but nowhere near as much as before. Everything feels tainted now and he cannot see how that will ever change. He cannot imagine a future with me, he doesn’t see us growing old together anymore, but he also cannot imagine a future without me. He would miss me unbearably but feels ashamed and embarrassed about what I’ve put him through.
He does not feel he can be tactile or intimate with me at all. He says he just cannot even imagine giving me a hug, holding my hand or kissing me. Over the past 4 months there have been around 3/4 instances where he HAS instigated a kiss, a hug and we have had sex. But it is rare.
We spend almost all of our time in a vicious cycle of heart wrenching arguing with no real resolution. Lots of shouting, frustrations and tears. He just cannot say either way what he wants or doesn’t want. He cannot say that he wants to reconcile because he says he just cannot process how he feels.
I am so unsure how to progress. I desperately want to try again and start reconciliation. I love him. I cannot imagine my future without him by my side.
I spend my days longing for his touch, longing to touch and kiss him and I crave sex with him.
It breaks my heart that I have caused him so much hurt and distress and I desperately want to make amends, make it up to him and show him I can be the wife he needs and deserves.
He tells me he is no longer in contact with the girl he met online but they still follow each other on social media and it makes me feel awful, even though I know I have no right after everything I’ve done.
There have been several instances where I am convinced they are still in contact and it feels like he may be keeping his options open with her in case he decides he can’t be with me. I know I have absolutely no right to feel this way, it makes me a huge hypocrite but I get insanely paranoid and jealous that he is still in contact with this girl.
We are both in crisis and in limbo and neither of us can see a way forward.
His most recent thinking, over this weekend is that we are done and he cannot continue like this. I have begged and pleaded with him to reconsider and see if we can ride this storm out until he can say yes or no with some clarity. I know he is incredibly hesitant because of his uncertainty. I also believe this is still early days and everything is still so raw.
What do I do? Is this a sign that there is no hope for us? are we better just divorcing and going our separate ways?
Should he know by now and he able to give me an answer if he even wants to reconcile?