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Help!! losing my sanity

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pureheartkit posted 4/11/2019 01:38 AM

Don't have any tactical advice but wanted to tell you you are in good hands here. Hope you get your money back and can start fresh.

Nobody should be treated this way. Anyone who wants you to be quiet and go along or who threatens you is holding you back from a good life that you deserve.

People have come through here horribly used and abused. They find a way to get out and begin again. They find purpose and happiness and fun again. They find people who treat them well. You need not allow anyone to mistreat you. If you have been threatened, write down what, when and get a personal recorder. You have the right to live a reasonable meaningful life. You have the right to reject their attempts to control and confine you. This is not healthy family behavior. This is not healthy married behavior. Your wife should give back what she stole and settle down and care for the baby.

I'm sorry they let you down. It hurts. Your life is yours, please find some peace and people who care.

The1stWife posted 4/11/2019 01:53 AM

Get out of this small town.

Get out if this marriage.

Never talk to your ďfamilyĒ again regarding your personal life

Your brother is clearly enabled by your family - he is a loser

Your ďfamilyĒ has no morals

You have been betrayed by all of them and thus makes everything you have ever known suspect and difficult to recover from

The things that have been said to you are unacceptable!!!! The things that have been done to you are deplorable!!!!!

Iím sorry - I agree with everyone here that you cannot do anything other than divorce and hope the child is not yours and you wonít have to be tied to her for the next few decades.

Protect yourself. Never ever be alone with your wife. Not for one second. If you need to retrieve your belongings have two or three people with you. Get a restraining order against her.

Or better yet file for D and get the police to go with you to get your belongings.

And if she wants to meet with you - only in a public place. With at least one other person with you.

Again - so sorry for you. For all of it.

And YOU need to turn your back on your family. No talking or meetings or ambush type situations ever again.

hard_yards posted 4/11/2019 05:19 AM

wow, this is shocking, again, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

You now have 70,000 new friends who care about your well-being.

In light of the day you've just experienced with your family, go dark, tell them nothing, be guided by the best lawyer you can engage. It's terrible to think that your own family have been complicit in your ww and brother deceiving you.

Everything everyone else has said is on point, just be careful about leaving the house to stay elsewhere if you own the house, check with the lawyer, it can be seen as abandonment of your interest in the house.

Stay safe, don't be alone with your WW, have a friend with you, you know she has no qualms about falsely accusing you of DV.

xhz700 posted 4/11/2019 09:46 AM

BPD, you gotta leave man. There isn't a way to make that work.

ItsNotFair posted 4/11/2019 09:55 AM

So sorry for what you are going through Denny. It looks like youíve gotten a lot of great advice already and I hope you find the support you need here. You donít deserve any of this.

Bigger posted 4/11/2019 10:20 AM


There are too many toxic elements in your life right now.
Based solely on what you share I donít see any hope for your marriage.
I also think that your relationship with your parents and brother has been irrevocably altered for the worse.
Honestly Ė since you state you are in a small town Ė I think you need to get the h@ll out of Dodge and start anew somewhere less toxic.

Look at it this way: IF you stay and IF you remain with your wife you would need to find some way of (a) reconciling the marriage (b) ensuring the affair is over (c) find a way to deal with your brother (d) find a way to deal with your parents (e) find a way to deal with the child possibly being your brotherís child. Think you can handle all that?
Or if you divorce you need to find a way to remain in a small town where both your divorced wife and a child you donít know if yours are, your brother (maybe even living with your ex wife) and your controlling parents that think brothers still need to shareÖ

Neither is good.

Talk to an attorney.
Find out what process you need to start to question paternity.
Detach from wife, brother and parents. Even if that requires leaving town.

ChamomileTea posted 4/11/2019 10:23 AM

Good job for going to stay with a friend. Your situation with your WW and your family is way too toxic. You should go NC (no contact) with all of these people for the time being, until you've had professional legal advice and until your emotions are back under your control.

There's a thread in the Separation/Divorce section with striking similarities. The WW is pregnant, there's a possibility (slim) that it might be the OP's, and there's been significant familial pressure to keep the OP from leaving. There's been quite a bit of good advice as to what kind of questions you'll need to take up with your attorney, so it's worth a look:

I'm sorry this happened to you, but you've been victimized enough already. Stay away from these people until you have a clear course.

RubixCubed posted 4/11/2019 10:33 AM

Your folks are batshit crazy.
You need to get a voice activated recorder (Sony IPD series are very good) and carry it on you at all times so you can record any interaction with her to prevent her from falsely claiming domestic violence as she has already threatened to do. Believe she will, because she will, and it sounds like she would have the full endorsement of your family who would let you rot in jail as long as your brother is OK.
Get that VAR and DO NOT take any chances. This happens all too often. Cover your ass and watch your 6.

Denny33 posted 4/11/2019 10:55 AM

Got the rest of my money out of our joint checking early this morning and opened a new account. Headed to meet with attorney now. My sister is flying in tonight and is going to help me get my stuff from my house over the next couple days. She doesnít talk to my parents, canít say I blame her now

RubixCubed posted 4/11/2019 11:18 AM

Your doing great! Keep taking action like you are and you will get through it all faster and better off in the end.
Oh yeah, and get a VAR!

OptionedOut posted 4/11/2019 11:23 AM

First, I am terribly sorry. This is a triple betrayal. Please heed our advice and get out of this relationship. See an attorney STAT! I don't mean tomorrow. TODAY! And before that lawyer appt? Move money. Get the account in your name only. Shut her off your credit cards.

Don't blink. Do it. NOW.

DNA WILL tell the difference between you and your brother. You aren't twins.

Divorce her. Don't pay a cent for child support if the baby isn't yours. That's on your 'helpless' brother.

Distance yourself from your brother and father as well.

[This message edited by OptionedOut at 11:25 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 4/11/2019 11:37 AM

Got the rest of my money out of our joint checking early this morning and opened a new account. Headed to meet with attorney now. My sister is flying in tonight and is going to help me get my stuff from my house over the next couple days. She doesnít talk to my parents, canít say I blame her now

You should be able to recoup half of the money your wife took out of the accounts but it'll take awhile. You need to file and get a separation in place before she does any more damage.

I love that your sister is coming to help. You need it

Keep going you'll be fine

The1stWife posted 4/11/2019 11:41 AM

At least you appear to have one good sibling.

Iím sorry for you. Just know it does get better and you will survive this. We all do. It just takes time.

I repeat- do not ever end up alone with your wife (STBXW). Her threats to you of a false domestic violence allegation is disturbing. And Iím sure she would not hesitate to do it.

The other thread where there was cheating and pregnant wife with questions on paternity is Director23 in the Divorce/Separated thread. The cheating wifeís mother is blaming director23 for not reconciling!!!

OptionedOut posted 4/11/2019 11:41 AM

Wanted to add that under no circumstances are you to see her, your parents, or your brother alone. Take your sister and your friend. BETTER, go to the police station and tell them what's happened and that you'd like someone to accompany you to remove your personal belongings. Have your sister & friend go, or at least one. Have that person record the situation. It's also a good way to record what belongings are there.

She and your brother have been swindling you for a year. Get all the bank records, credit card statements. If you can show activity, file a fraud report with the police and then the credit card bureaus.

Stop talking to anyone in your family (except your sister).

Don't go anywhere in public alone. Do not answer a single phone call from her or your family - they could say you threatened them/her.

Go gray rock - completely. If she or your brother or parents show up at your friend's house, file a restraining order. In fact, I'd do it anyway.

These people will conspire against you. They will, have and ARE conspiring how to take you down.

Lalagirl posted 4/11/2019 12:01 PM

DNA WILL tell the difference between you and your brother.

Truth. Even in a simple Ancestry DNA test, if the child is yours, it will show "parent/child" - if it's not, you would show as a "close relative."

I am so very sorry about all of this, Denny, but you're doing everything right. I hope that you can leave town sooner than later - you need a fresh start. And I would consider seeing an IC; you've been through a hell of a trauma and there is no shame in seeking help.

Justgettingbye posted 4/11/2019 13:55 PM

Thank God for your sister! I'm sure it will make you feel a ton better to have her support!

WilliamM posted 4/11/2019 16:47 PM

This is a hard story to read. Your own brother and wife? Your parents knew and said nothing? I am so sorry you are going through this. I will be praying for you man. Make sure you take care of your health. I am sure people have told you that already. You are doing the right think because no one seems to even regret what was done or known. So sorry.

Trdd posted 4/11/2019 17:04 PM

You are not insane,they are. Please remember that.

It's terrible but your family are treating you awfully. It's crushing and disappointing but you are not the only one who's been abused by their family. It sounds like your sister is the exception and I hope she comes through for you.

I usually talk to people or see stories here and hope for reconciliation. But with everything your wife has done and betrayed you with your own brother in this fashion.... the chances you can successfully reconcile must be considered very remote.

You've got to extricate yourself from this insanity. Quickly, efficiently and decisively. If for some reason your wife makes an enormous sea change and convinces you she is worth a second chance then you can decide at that time if you want to give it to her or not. But I think your sister probably has it right. I am guessing because she doesn't speak to your parents that she has figured out they're incredibly dysfunctional long ago and decided I'm having none of this for my life. I think your best to take that same path.

I wish you the best friend. Please take care of your own health and get the legal advice you need rapidly.

anoldlion posted 4/11/2019 17:09 PM

I feel for you and would not like to be in your shoes. Life has given you a slap in the face. The best answer to that slap is to fight back with all you got. Understand, you no longer have a brother. You have a back stabbing, self-centered piece of trash, who has no regard for anyone but himself, and just happened to be birthed by the same mother. Cut him out of your life for you will always look at him and instantly your mind will see again what he did to you. When I was 17 my brother, who was much older than me, threaten to beat me up for something I did that he didn't like. I grew up to be a Special Forces soldier, combat tested and on an A-Team. For years I waited for him to jump at me again because I knew what I was capable of and I had a big surprise just waiting. I think he knew for he apologized years later. But I was always still on guard. From D-day forward, if you ever see him you will always be on guard. If your family is siding with him then you need to cut them loose also. You sound like you have a good sister so hang on to her. A sister and brother alone can make a family. As for your wife, you already know what she is. Get as far away from her as possible and only communicate with her through your lawyer. Get a DNA test on you, your ex-brother, and your soon to be XW. Burn this whole fiasco to the ground. I do wish you well.

SorrowfulMoon posted 4/11/2019 21:05 PM

I would be very surprised if the monies she has transferred are not part of the marital assets in a divorce and should be traced accordingly.

Check with the lawyer and divorce her either way.

Disown your family and take yourself and your income elsewhere, out off this toxic environment.

My sympathies.

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