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Help!! losing my sanity

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Denny33 posted 4/10/2019 18:18 PM

Found out wife of 5 yrs has been screwing my brother since before we got married and sheís pregnant and doesnít know if itís mine or his. Says our DNA is ďbasically the same so what difference does it make?Ē Also says itís because of her borderline personality disorder that I could not fulfill everything she needed and she thinks itís not as bad because itís my brother and ďnot some strangerĒ. My dad is no help, just says he told me not to marry her 5 yrs ago so itís my fault for not listening. My brother can do no harm so itís all my wifeís fault for tricking him into it. Feeling completely betrayed by my entire family and her. I also saw she was moving lots of money out of our accounts every month and she claimed it was to save for a vacation but now Iím thinking it was to fund her affair or maybe save up to leave me? Iím the only one who works and donít know how/if I can get this money back if she put it in account with just her name on it? Any tips would be greatly appreciated. This doesnít feel real, yesterday I thought my life was completely normal and boring and now this

Marz posted 4/10/2019 18:28 PM

See an attorney now.

survrus posted 4/10/2019 18:28 PM


You never had a wife, marriage or girl friend.

Divorce her and never look back.

DNA the child and never pay a dime if it isn't yours.

Denny33 posted 4/10/2019 18:37 PM

She moved all the money from our savings account this morning, almost 10K. I donít know where it is, is this legal? Between that and her monthly transfers she probably has around 20K somewhere. She said sheís afraid Iím going to leave her and she will have no money to live. Of course loser brother doesnít have a job right now so he canít take care of her

Denny33 posted 4/10/2019 18:41 PM

This afternoon she went to the ER saying she was bleeding because Iím putting her under extreme stress and Iím going to make her lose the baby. I donít know what to do how can I not be upset right now?

hatefulnow posted 4/10/2019 18:53 PM


Condolences. You've been advised to see a lawyer. Do it TODAY. Close any and all bank accounts she has access to, or at least set a limit on how much can be withdrawn in a day. Say you think wife may have a drug issue. The bank won't want to get involed in anything that might have liability.

Ditch your family too. They should be climbing in your brother's ass with steam shovels. Since they're not, screw 'em. DNA TEST.

So, bank, arrainge dna testing and see your doctor about anti-deessants and maybe counseling.

Good luck.

Marz posted 4/10/2019 18:58 PM

You aren't acting fast enough. She's way ahead of you.

Start moving fast. An attorney can help with the cash issues.

annb posted 4/10/2019 19:03 PM

Make an appointment with an attorney first thing tomorrow morning.

Protect yourself and your assets.

We understand you are on an emotional roller coaster from hell, but you've got to be proactive.

BTW, get as far away from your family as possible. They are toxic.

Denny33 posted 4/10/2019 19:06 PM

I reported her credit cards stolen so she canít charge anything to them. Tomorrow I am going to open a new checking account and change my direct deposit to that one. Looking into lawyers to see first thing tomorrow. Had no idea she was capable of this I feel like an idiot

WorstClubEver posted 4/10/2019 19:13 PM

First and most important, understand that he did not cheat because of anything you did. We call what he is doing "blameshifting," because he is trying to shift the many horrible choices HE made into you.

If he was so unhappy with you, he had a lot of options. Asking for marriage therapy, or even for a divorce.

Those would have been valid ways to react if he felt you were making him unhappy.

Lying to you and sneaking around with multiple other women is not a valid or reasonable reaction to being unhappy in your marriage.

So please stop accepting any blame for his shitty, hurtful, shameful behavior. Right now.

He cheated, all by himself. He made those choices, all by himself. He hid it from you and lied to you, because he knew he was doing the wrong thing. Anything his says now to justify it, he is lying to cover his ass. Period.

You cannot stay with him if he cannot start holding himself accountable like a big boy, and showing some remorse.

You do not and never did deserve this. That is a fact. Do not let him spin your head around. Stay strong. Stand up for yourself. Let him know you will not swallow one more drop off his bullshit.

You are so much stronger than you feel right now. Act strong, and you will start to feel it.

hard_yards posted 4/10/2019 19:24 PM

Sounds like she's been planning this for quite a while, probably with you brother's encouragement.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, but you have to act to protect yourself.

As above, find and see a good lawyer immediately, you need to know how to proceed, knowledge is power and you need to take the power away from her and your brother, right now they have it.

Open an account in your name only and put whatever cash she's left behind in the joint account in it. Then get your name off shared accounts, you don't want to risk her borrowing money and you being liable for it.

I'm so sorry your family are not supporting you, really the only thing you can do is block contact from them, if they're not with you, they're against you, and you don't want them giving a heads up to your WW with what you're doing or not doing. Again, knowledge is power.

Find yourself a good IC, you're going to need it, seriously, you need someone unbiased that you can talk to while you sort through this nightmare, someone who will give you tools to cope.

I'm afraid your WW sounds seriously disordered if she really thinks that having an affair and possibly being pregnant to your brother or you is okay on any level, because, you know, it's all in the family after all. Add the stealing and hiding joint funds, and it is stealing in my mind, she sounds like a hot mess. Limit your discussions with her to finances or the pregnancy only, protect yourself. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library, it's role is to make you stronger and better able to deal with this nightmare.

Keep posting, it really helps, unfortunately, there's almost always someone here who's dealt with the same things and feelings.

Take care of yourself.

VinST posted 4/10/2019 19:33 PM

Get out fast! procrastination will coast you here!

Drumstick posted 4/10/2019 19:38 PM

First off, Iím sorry youíre here.

Are you identical twins? If not, then a paternity test should be able to differentiate between you two, if your brother is willing to give a sample.

Check with your attorney about whether a court can compel your brother to give a DNA sample, if needed. Also, talk to your attorney about timing of divorce, and pregnancy. If youíre in the US, many states will not allow a divorce to go through during pregnancy. If this is the case, check with your attorney about the liability associated with signing the birth certificate. If Iím not mistaking, in som3 states you waive the right to challenge paternity by signing the birth certificate.

RubixCubed posted 4/10/2019 19:57 PM

secure all banking statements, financials tax returns, etc. and give them to your lawyer.
Distance yourself from your family, they sound mega toxic. Look up the 180 (a mode of distancing yourself) and practice it on your wife and family.
Follow your attorneys instructions, and don't beat/kill your asshole brother (even though he deserves it). It's not worth the legal hassle and possible jail time. She's got to go, whether it's your kid or not is immaterial. She's way broken(YOU can't fix that) and you're only 5 years in. Get out while the getting is good.

Denny33 posted 4/10/2019 19:58 PM

My family just ambushed me at my house. Wife must have called my brother and told him Iím seeing a lawyer tomorrow. They all came over and my parents say I canít do this, it would be too embarrassing for the family. We live in a small town so word will get out fast. I say who cares? Turns out my parents have known for a year and never said anything. Dad made my wife apologize to my brother and says I need to man up and deal with it because my brother is trying to get into the union and canít give that up or afford to take care of a kid even if itís his, and why would I want to cause the child problems by telling him if Iím not his dad. Says itís my wife and my responsibility. I canít believe this sh*t

fareast posted 4/10/2019 20:02 PM

See a lawyer ASAP. Protect yourself from any paternity issues. Protect yourself financially and separate yourself from these idiots. Implement thec180 with the whole damn family, they will drag you down.

Justgettingbye posted 4/10/2019 20:19 PM

Sorry to be so blunt but tell your family to FUCK OFF!!! They're AWFUL!!!! They've known for a year and didn't tell you AND they want you to cover for your brother even if the kid is his???? FUCK THAT!!!!! I am SOOOOO ANGRY for you!!! They're INSANE!!! It's like they live in some sort of alternate universe or something. Seriously, WTF???!!!!

Shockedmom posted 4/10/2019 20:22 PM

Do not let your family pressure you into making a terrible life choice. No one has your back, worried about the family reputation over their son...disgusting. Donít skip the attorney, you may need a forensic accountant as she has been stealing marital funds for over a year now. Get a VAR and have it on you at all times. She is ruthless and will utterly ruin you to get her way.

Justgettingbye posted 4/10/2019 20:23 PM

Also, what exactly did your dad make your wife apologize to your brother for??? The ONLY ONE that is owed an apology by EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR WIFE IS YOU!!!!

Mene posted 4/10/2019 20:31 PM

Your family are a really fucked up bunch of people.

Detach from them all!

Divorce your ďwifeĒ NOW.

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