SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

ErinHa posted 4/9/2019 11:28 AM

You are smart to take some time, do some counseling for yourself and the marriage eventually, and do the things you can to move forward.

I'm so sorry about the pain, it's overwhelming and a paradigm shift. The good news is you have all the choices now....and you are not rug sweeping you are facing the truth and basing your decision on as much truth as you can get. That's good.

Deep breath and wishing you peace

RocketRaccoon posted 4/10/2019 00:44 AM

Besides the CSAT, she has opened up and told me pretty much everything now. Her therapist told her to stop with that until I get an IC of my own, to help me process it. Probably good advice. She did agree to sit down and write it all out, as soon as her therapist gives her the OK to do it.

If she really is remorseful and wants to put in the work, she would be writing the timeline regardless of what her crappy therapist is telling her. It is up to you if you want to read it with your own IC or not.

What is written in the timeline is what YOU need/want, not what her therapist tells her that you need/want. Her therapist is not you.

Even if she does write a timeline, you will not get the full truth, as he will still keep some to herself, out of fear/shame/privacy/etc.

My house is being renovated. (She's doing it). New furniture, new carpet, new paint. I told her I wanted the "Stink" of her affair out of my house.

Sorry, but the 'stink' will never leave your house. It will dissipate a bit, but a lingering whiff will be smelled once in a while. Like the 'truth' from your WW, it will never be 100%.

I don't know how this will end. I'm giving her a chance to fix it. She has demons. She's doing everything right at the moment to clean up the mess she made.

And so she should, but the operative part of the quote above is in bold.... time will tell.

She's totally remorseful for what she did. She knows she screwed up, and she admits she has issues and is working to address those. Time will tell if she can.

I would not bet on her being remorseful yet. It is still a bit too early to say. She is probably regretting what she did, but remorse... What is she doing that makes you think that she is remorseful? Apart from saying that she screwed up, and admits that she has issues?

Has she given you unfettered access to all her emails (including the secret ones which she is guaranteed to have)? Has she dumped out the clothes/gifts that she wore/received from her APs?

One side effect of what has happened, is that the M is now asymmetrical. You no longer have a partner that can stand beside you, but will possibly be cowering behind you. If you like that kind of a M, then you have a chance at R. If not, you will have to decide on your next course of action; 1. to grin and bear it, 2. to get out of it. I know some will say there are more options, like rebuilding, and they are right, but you will have to decide if the two of you have the strength, energy, and most importantly, the will to do that.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/10/2019 10:20 AM

Sorry about your situation kicked.

Serial cheaters are rarely recoverable. My advice would be to get out of her infidelity and take your life back by immediately kicking her out of your house and divorcing her. Know that one of her affair partners will help her back on her feet, after they finish in bed of course.

At minimum you should immediately see a divorce lawyer to learn what your options are and then at minimum you should have the lawyer draw up an iron-clad post-nuptial agreement that stipulates the terms of divorce if and when it comes to that. Protecting your future is paramount to anything else you have going on or have planned.

Once you have a post-nuptial in place, then you can decide if you want to spend any more of your life with the cheater. Don't forget to get tested for STD's ASAP. And if you decide you want to have sex with her, don't have sex with her again until she's tested for STD's and determined clean.

Remember that you are the prize, not her. Remember that you have value beyond this situation and beyond her. Remember that you don't need her to realize your dreams. If you want to allow her to ride shotgun with you then fine, but never allow yourself to believe that she's necessary for your happiness. You are the key to your happiness and your future; never forget this.

kickedintheknads posted 4/30/2019 01:00 AM

A Quick update.
After seeing reluctance on her part to go the distance on R, and more trickle truth about the affairs, I have decided to call it quits. I asked her to move out. She'll be gone by the end of the week. Divorce time. Damn, 61 years old, and I'm starting over. I'm gonna miss her, but I can't take the mental anguish she's dumped on me.Life can be a bitch...

Marz posted 4/30/2019 01:04 AM

Smart move

BearlyBreathing posted 4/30/2019 01:10 AM

Kitk, I am sorry it came to this, but you will be okay. Hang in there and keep looking out for yourself.

S/d forum is a good place for advice on D.

Michigan posted 4/30/2019 13:42 PM

I agree with your decision to divorce.

Some people think that sex isn’t a big deal and never will.

The analogy I use is someone growing up in a culture where it’s fine to eat pork. Then they move to a culture where eating pork is a sin. They promise never to eat pork. They know that if they do it will hurt people and get them in trouble.

No matter what therapy they receive it will never be revolting to enjoy some bacon.

Dismayed2012 posted 4/30/2019 14:08 PM

Congrats 'kicked'. It doesn't feel like it now but your life is going to be better than it was. She did you a favor by letting you know what she is. Take care of yourself and never forget that you are the prize.

heartbroken_kk posted 4/30/2019 22:46 PM

I'm so much happier alone, even at my age. I don't care any more about having a partner. I get to live my life the way I want to without negotiation or manipulation.

Don't worry about your age. It's just a number. People can find partners at any phase of life, if they want one.

You are MUCH BETTER OFF with the choice to just cut and run. Stay strong, don't waiver.

LCC18 posted 5/6/2019 19:40 PM

This just sounds like a situation that is hard to recover from. You admitted that she has some deep rooted issues, those don't go away over night and they aren't an excuse to act like that. She has more to loose than you, it sounds like. So ditch her and find someone who appreciates you.

maise posted 5/6/2019 20:01 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can relate as I caught my WS in one LTA (14 months long) and then WS revealed an 8 month long LTA before that. Also lots of vehicle activity and it came into my room and my bed as well. Unfortunately I didn't have the means to move but what I did do was rip up the carpet, redid the walls, put up inspirational quotes all over my bedroom, and had my WS replace every single item of furniture.

I can't say it immediately helped but it felt more relieving than to have all of the disgusting old furniture that my WS had sex in that I had the unfortunate violation of having slept in unknowingly.