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Still so raw

Momtopus posted 2/26/2019 00:37 AM

I guess...I found out a month ago. It was a Saturday, a good day, and he said he wanted to go see his family. I had so many little things telling me, and I suspected, and I let him go because I needed to know for sure. When he came home the next night I was so in shock, I didnt bring it up. He was upset, later, that I didnt say anything sooner. I asked why he didn't say anything. He said he did.

Our son turns a year old this month. My first, and the experience has been hard on me, someone already plagued with depression and anxiety and suicidal ideation. He said he understood when I said I was "touched out." Apparently, he meant to say he was going to find someone else on Tinder.

There is a core of magma in my lungs and I can't seem to get rid of it. My mind is a menagerie of dark thoughts and I don't want to bring it up because I'm "dwelling" or "unforgiving." I'm so busy being a mom and a better spouse I can't seem to find the time to...feel better. Whatever that means. I'd seek out help, but I don't have insurance and I'm already up to my eyeballs in medical debt. No one else knows, not even my best friend, and God I feel so alone.

What do/did you do? Do you talk about it? Do you look them in the eyes, eyes you used to love, and say, "this makes me want to die?" Do you pretend it never happened? He says he's not talking to her, he blocked her on social media, but how can I be sure? How can I ask without coming off as "paranoid," "overbearing," and "controlling?"

Where am I supposed to go from here?

EDIT: Oh. I just put a few pieces together. He "lost" his ring some time ago on one of his trips. He's forgetful, I thought nothing of it. I bet he took it off for her. Did/do you have things coming together this long after D-Day?

[This message edited by Momtopus at 12:48 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

mindfullness55 posted 2/26/2019 05:47 AM

Iím very sorry that youíre hurting.

The1stWife posted 2/26/2019 06:03 AM

Iím so sorry for you.

First - you need professional counseling to help you through this. Immediately. Your feelings are overwhelming and you need to face them and deal with them. You need someone to support you.

Second your H is expecting you to sweep this under the rug. Do not allow this.

He needs to make amends to make you feel better. Total transparency is required. You need to talk about it as often as you need to. If that is 5x a day right now - then it is 5x a day.

He needs counseling to figure out why he did this.

The Affair is not - and never was - your fault. Cheaters live to blame the other spouse. But he chose to cheat and that is a decision he made 💯% on his own. He could have come to you and said he was unhappy. Or had a problem. But he chose to cheat. That is on him.

I hope this gives you some help and direction. Everything takes time. What you are feeling is completely normal.

benomania posted 2/26/2019 06:55 AM

Sorry you are here with the rest of us. You can talk to us. Try not to go to Reddit. Too many negative people there.
He needs to own up to his mistake.
He needs to assure you there's nothing going on
He owes you the truth whether that means he's staying with you or not
He needs to put your needs 1st if he really cares
Do not sweep this under the rug or it will happen again
Keep trying to find the answers you are looking for.
If you do find out there was an affair partner (AP) expose them to everyone.
Go hard 180 and try to act like you don't give a shit.
I know easier said than done. Usually that works.
DO NOT do the pick me dance and lower your self this way.
Protect yourself at all costs and your son. If he's cheating there's no telling what kind of trouble may be brewing near you.

Stay away from drugs alcohol and start working out and keeping your mind occupied.

I'm so sorry for you. I know your pain.
God bless

n8inohio posted 2/26/2019 08:57 AM

The Most important thing is

This is not your fault. It will never be your fault. But It still hurts. Never let the him act like it never happened. They must own it or you cant heal with him still around. If he is owning it he will answer any question you have with out complaint.

Constantly Remind yourself when your feeling bad. "Its not my fault"

Coreofsteel posted 2/26/2019 13:29 PM

Hi there. I'm sorry you're here. You'll get good advice and support here.

To answer your question, more than a year after my d-day I still find pieces clicking into place. Pieces of the puzzle that were my life suddenly make sense. "Ah-ha" moments where inconsistencies are suddenly understood. I get now why I found a long over processed blonde hair in *my* car. Things like that.

Momtopus posted 2/26/2019 22:36 PM

I think part of my problem is the gaslighting. He likes to blame my mom, a narcissist who has gaslit me before, but more and more I'm recognizing it coming from him. Not blame shifting, a lot of it is being done by myself and my anxiety, telling me I'm a problem when there are none to be found, but he tends to think "I'm in the way" means "you think I'm in the way." He told me this morning I need to get counseling or he's leaving.

His FB got hacked some time early this morning - he immediately blamed me. He can't log on any more because he's locked out. But I didn't do it. As much as I want to know if he's still cheating, fellow BSs, believe me: I. DID. NOT. DO. IT. He refuses to believe me, says I've "lied about it before," in reference to me reading his FB messages to discover his A and waiting until the morning after he came back to confront him. But I never hacked, I'm too dumb for that. He left his page logged in on my computer, but after D-day I logged off. I've stayed out of his phone, his emails, his social media. I've given him Faith, given him the benefit of the doubt. But all morning, he kept saying it was me, and when I tried to tell him otherwise, he said, "I don't believe you."

It hurts that, after this betrayal I've faced, and my willingness to accept that yes, he DID come to me saying he felt like I wanted nothing to do with him and no, I didn't do enough to fix that (obviously), after being willing to try and TRUST him again...

He's not willing to do the same for me.

It hurts.

n8inohio posted 2/28/2019 08:38 AM

Stay strong. He will need to come around to understanding what he has done if he truly wants it to work. But in the meantime I would prepare for things to get worse with him. He is a broken person and is acting in a selfish harmful way cause he can't accept responsibility for his actions. This is on him not you. You owe him nothing. It sucks and is painful but if you let him convince you that you led him to this it will never get better. Trust nothing he says actions are more important that words. Post on here for support. All the BS on here all all in the same boat and only other BS's can relate to you. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone in this.

The1stWife posted 2/28/2019 21:56 PM

He doesnít sound like he is worthy of YOU.

COUNSELING- that is exactly what you need so you can learn to deal with him!

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