SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

SIC2019 posted 2/25/2019 01:26 AM

I just found out my husband of 10 years has been cheating on me. Unfortunately this isn’t the first time - he did when we first got married in 2008. At that time, he was drinking a ton and partying like a college kid and completely not acting like himself. I ended up moving away but we eventually reconciled.

Fast forward to today and we have two kids (5 and 7) and I’m pregnant with our 3rd - who we conceived with fertility treatment. My husband had been acting strange with his phone for a few months and since we found out about being pregnant, has been drinking a ton and Been very negative about our mrriage, saying he isn’t happy, hasn’t been for some time, he never wanted a baby, I mentally forced him to go through fertility treatments. He even pushed me to have an abortion (which I didn’t do).

I went through his phone on Friday night (after he passed out from drinking too much) and found snapchats with the OW - actually telling her he told me everything and “please don’t abandon me”. Seems like they were in a fight or something.

I confronted him and he swears it was emotional only - they supported each other in their marriage problems. They hung out and talked to each other. I’ve begged him to be truthful with me but I’m not sure I’m getting the full story. I found other messages and calls to women on his phone that don’t prove anything but also lead me to believe he has at least talked to several other women. What makes me most sick is this has been going on for 5 months - so before I got pregnant or we did the fertility treatment that got me pregnant. He could have stopped me from doing it if he really didn’t want a baby. How could he be seeing this woman while I was going through with that?

He says he wants to R, has been saying he loves me, doesn’t want to lose our family, wants to make things right.

In my head, I know what I should do but my heart is still confused. I love him and don’t want to lose my family. I truly thought we were happy. I know he needs to get help and stop drinking, he clearly has several issues. I’m so confused and hurt and sad. Trying to hold it together for my other 2 kids.

Buster123 posted 2/25/2019 09:11 AM

they supported each other in their marriage problems.

I'm sorry that you're here, your WH seems to be a serial cheater and I always advise to D in those situations, however if you still insist on R (yet again), you first need to make sure the A has ended, for that you need to inform OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse), nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE with ALL family and close friends, he also needs to send her an NC FOREVER letter that you approve and watch him hit send (no sweet goodbyes or last meetings for "closure"), DO NOT tell him you're going to do it, get a VAR and place it in his car under the seat with some velcro, also OBS could become an ally and have more information (access to OW's phone/email) and provide an second set of eyes to help ensure NC is established, if they work together one of them has to quit.

Also consult a D attorney to know your legal options and at a minimum have him sign a postnup in your favor, if he cheats again you file for D and take him to the cleaners. Demand he gets tested for STDs (you should too), adults involved in As who are in close proximity typically just don't talk and have lots of sex.

1Faith posted 2/25/2019 10:12 AM

Sorry you are here and hurting. You have so much going on with the pregnancy too. Please try to take care of you and your babies first. They need you.

Curious of how you addressed your WH's cheating the first time? How did he address his issues on allowing himself to cheat?

I am curious how long and how many others you may not even know about (((sorry))).

saying he isn’t happy, hasn’t been for some time, he never wanted a baby

He says he wants to R, has been saying he loves me, doesn’t want to lose our family

^^^Which is it? Seems your WH's feelings vacillate like a yo-yo.

I’m not sure I’m getting the full story

You are correct. You are most likely not. Trust your instinct.

Please head up to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner and read all you can.

You don't have to decide anything today except for the fact that you need to get out of infidelity.

Consider:

1) Getting tested for STD's to protect yourself and your beautiful baby.

2) Seek IC just for you. It helps in wrapping your mind around your new reality and allows you to express your feelings. It allows yourself to find you.

3) Consider speaking to an attorney. You don't have to file but know what you would be facing in regards to support, etc. Knowledge is power and sometimes just having that information is reassuring as you plan your path forward.

Deep breaths and know we understand your pain.

(((hugs and prayers)))

HopeinGod posted 2/26/2019 11:38 AM

Hi SIC2019, sorry to hear that you are suffering at a time when you should be extremely happy for another child that you so much wanted to have.

You mention that this happened 10 years ago and reconciled. How did the reconciliation happen? Did you all go to counseling or was it something you two worked out on your own? If you two worked it out, I think this time you both need to seriously counseling so that if reconciliation does takes place, it will help your marriage stand on a stronger foundation. If either of you work, most companies have a Human Resource Office that has contracted a counseling organization for these kinds of situations. Sometimes these organizations charge a minimal fee or provide some free counseling. Is counseling something you both will agree to do? In the meantime, take care of your health for your sake and the baby's, blessings