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Am I a Bad Person?

SleeplessKnight posted 2/24/2019 00:01 AM

Wife cheated on me 14+ months ago with a friend of mine. I posted at the time, but was inundated with what I thought was negative input. Quite honestly I shut down at at that point. It probably was good advice.
She showed remorse, at least I thought so. We have been trying to R for about 8+ months now. We had a disagreement in January. She has always been very passive-aggressive. She finally asked to talk a week ago. She asked what I needed and/or wanted her to do to correct the issue. I can conclusively prove that she violated the boundaries that I had defined for her.
The down side of this, after a whole month went by, was that I now feel like the marriage is dead. I mean, if I walked away at this point I would not feel bad, other than my three kids will never understand. Again, does that make me bad? I don't feel like I will ever be able to trust her again. Am I bad?

Marz posted 2/24/2019 00:14 AM

In the case of infidelity there are no guarantees of a second chance. Not everyone can reconcile. In the case of a double betrayal it's even worse.

You need what you need and that's no reflection on you as bad. Life is very short so don't waste it.

I suspect you have confused remourse with the regret of being caught. Two very different things.

Upfront its normally just regret and they will go into a self preservation mode mainly to protect themselves. A lot of trickle truthing, only informing you about what you know, blaming you for her affair when that is 100% on her.

I think early on you were convinced to help hide their affair from other mans girlfriend. Just because you found out about their affair doesn't mean it ends. No action of exposure sometimes just enables it further.

Your friend should have been eliminated from your family/life. You can never trust him again. If there is any continued contact their affair will,probably continue.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:21 AM, February 24th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 2/24/2019 00:16 AM

I can conclusively prove that she violated the boundaries that I had defined for her.

Did the affair continue?

You don't have a lot of info on your situation.

Marz posted 2/24/2019 00:19 AM

Remourse would be sorry for how she hurt you and taking actions to rectify or help you to recover from her betrayal.

Regret is mainly sorry at being caught. Most cheaters think you'll never find out.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:19 AM, February 24th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 2/24/2019 00:24 AM

if I walked away at this point I would not feel bad, other than my three kids will never understand

Don't ever lie to your children. They should be told the truth in a sanitized way. All this does is cause more axziety by keeping them in the dark. Children are not stupid and they may know more than you think.

Marz posted 2/24/2019 00:27 AM

Your wayward wife put you in this position but it will be up to you to get yourself out of it whichever path you take.

SleeplessKnight posted 2/24/2019 00:31 AM

I don't think the affair continued. I have a gps attached. Not enough time for physical, but suspicious about contact. Which is totally against my boundaries.

Marz posted 2/24/2019 00:36 AM

The thing is if there is a way possible cheaters will find it. A GPS only tells you where her car or phone is. Not where she is necessarily.

However, any contact with a confirmed affair partner means the affair is ongoing. Maybe reduced back to an emotional affair temporarily but it's still there.

It's not too late to expose if you haven't. I would inform other mans girlfriend without any warning to your wife.

[This message edited by Marz at 12:37 AM, February 24th (Sunday)]

Marz posted 2/24/2019 00:37 AM

Have you banned your Xfriend ?

Buster123 posted 2/24/2019 00:55 AM

You need to provide more details in order to get the best advice possible, that being said if in fact she broke NC, she's still in the A and you're still living in infidelity, DO NOT rugsweep it this time, take decisive action, if she's in contact, she's NOT remorseful, if that's the case she's in an ACTIVE A, and unless you accept being in a one-sided open M, you simply can't successfully R with an unremorseful WW who doesn't respect you and who's still in an active A, even if it's "just" an EA now. Besides the GPS get a VAR and place it in her car under the seat with some velcro, learn how to use it first and mute any sounds.

The1stWife posted 2/24/2019 09:11 AM

You are not a ďbadĒ person for choosing to make decisions that may be unpleasant.

Kids can survive a Divorce. As George Costanza said on Seinfeld ďIím the product of my parents having stayed togetherĒ. Itís beyter to have two peaceful homes than one filled with chaos and unhappiness etc. I think I you get my point.

If the marriage is not working g you need to be honest with your wife. Not argumentative BUT letting her know you are approaching the point of no return ( if you are not there already).

This is being fair and upfront and honest. Sometimes you just cannot Reconcile. The cheating spouse doesn't understand the pain and damage an affair causes. And if you are still having boundary issues then she obviously doesnít get it at all.

You do not have to stay married and remain miserable and unhappy.

But you do have an obligation to let her know exactly where you stand.

oldtruck posted 2/24/2019 12:51 PM

WW wants to know what she has to do?

Tell her she has to join and post with the other
WW's. They will guide her out of the fog.

8 months is nothing. Recovery is a 2 to 5 year

Normal for you to be feeling flat now.

Marie2792 posted 2/24/2019 13:05 PM

Iím really sorry that some of these replies are a little on the harsh side when you posted that you shied away from here because of reactions to your first post.

That said, it is possible that she is in contact with him or still in the affair. Either way, she violated a clear boundary that she should want to honor if she is worthy of reconciling.

Sometimes infidelity is a deal breaker. In the beginning months we are in shock and survive mode so we are a bit hesitant to make those decisions. If she is not in IC she needs to get in so she could fix whatís broken inside of her.

If you havenít told the other mans wife or girlfriend I would do so now. Better to have four eyes on this pair than two.

The kids will be okay. I am a product of divorce as are several of my friends children. Itís not easy, but they are more perceptive than we give them credit for.

RubixCubed posted 2/24/2019 17:18 PM

NO, You are not a bad person, you're just the decision maker in a bad situation that was thrust upon you through no fault of your own, with zero input.

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