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Wife Acting Differently

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MangledHeart posted 2/28/2019 15:58 PM

Got it. Thank you.

WileyC posted 2/28/2019 16:07 PM

A lot has happened in the last couple days.

To those of you who suggested using a VAR, thank you. It worked better than I could have ever hoped.

I placed the VAR in my wife’s car the night before her trip to try out some new pianos. She was to leave at 7:00AM the next morning, drive two hours to the music store, spend a couple hours trying out various pianos, grab a quick lunch, and return to my work location, where she would drop off her car and drive my Jeep home (we’re trying to sell her car and a work colleague wanted to test drive it). She hates driving my Jeep on long trips.

I removed the VAR and listened to its recordings in my office. My wife talks hands-free when driving, so I could hear both sides of phone conversations. She made a call to her sister that morning (her sister lives in the town my wife visited on her recent trip). Conversation quickly turned to “that night”, and sis asked if she had “told Wiley yet”, to which my wife said she hadn’t because she was still too apprehensive. Sis said (paraphrasing) “You idiot. You two have the marriage everybody wants. You were made for each other. Don’t f--- it up by withholding this. You did nothing wrong. But Wiley will find out eventually and he’ll be suspicious that you intended to hide this from him. I know you’re afraid, but don’t wait. It’ll be OK.”

At that point my wife began crying so hard she had to pull over. They talked a while longer and my wife said she’d tell me that night. Sis encouraged her not to worry.

My wife is all about peace, love, music (piano), children, family, and dogs. She’s not into politics, tech, social media (other than limited Facebook interaction with her other-coast family). And she hates confrontation.

When she got back on the road, she began praying out loud. I don’t think I’ve ever been so humbled in all my life. She thanked God for “the best husband and protector ever, and the best marriage ever”, and a lot of other flattering things that made me get up and close my office door so I could cry myself. And I don’t cry. But I think I cried more tears than in my whole life.

About 30 minutes later she called me. It was strange hearing myself on the VAR. She was upbeat and said she was sorry for seeming down lately, and she wanted to spend a nice evening together and just talk. No TV, no piano, no phone, just us. I said of course, and I’ll bring home dinner and wine.

I decided to blow off a late afternoon meeting and go home right then. When I got there she gave me a very warm hug and kiss, but looked a little nervous and said she needed to tell me something.

We sat down and she told me about her ex-fiance’s texts and call attempts, and her call to him (the 24 minute call). She called him to blow him off for good. She said he sounded drunk or high and began crying and mentioned not wanting to live anymore. She didn’t know what to do. I can imagine her panicking afraid he would commit suicide. She suggested he see a pastor, councilor, whatever. But she was firm that she did not want to see him or talk to him ever again.

He kept playing the “woe is me” card, and she eventually hung up on him. She thought that was the end of it. But that night as she was leaving her mother’s house to visit her sister, she noticed a car sitting across the street. It was him. He got out of the car and walked toward her and called to her, and she ran back in the house and called the police. He was arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

She told him in the presence of the police that she would file charges against him if he ever did this again. Her mother and sister witnessed this. He texted and tried to call some the next day, and she sent him one text that said she said everything there was to say to him that night. She hasn’t heard from him since.

She was afraid to tell me for fear I would hop on a plane (I would have), and confront the guy (I might have). Also, we’re both visiting there this summer for a week, and she was afraid I would use that as a chance to confront the guy (I might have).

I asked why she seemed down for a few weeks before her trip. She said that since our son had moved off to college last fall, she has struggled to move on to a new role, so to speak. She had planned to increase her music teaching to more students, but that hasn’t worked out yet. She has an uncommon passion for teaching music to young children, and wants to contribute to the family by earning some income (we don’t need it).

We talked until she felt she had told me everything. Then I said I had something to tell her as well. I was honest about picking up on her down mood lately, and looking on our phone bill and seeing the strange number (his), and identified it. And that I recovered the deleted texts, and placed a VAR. And that I heard her conversation with her sister, and her prayer. And because of that I truly believe her.

She was not upset in the least. To the contrary, she was ecstatic that I believed her and that there was nothing between us. The only thing she asked in return was that I promise not to get myself into trouble by confronting this guy. I agreed.

The rest of the night was wonderful. About the only thing we didn’t do was sleep.

Thank you all for your help. I really appreciate it. I feel the best I’ve ever felt.

BTW, I later told this to my brother, who is sort of a PI wannabe, and he confirmed that the guy was indeed arrested at my mother-in-law’s house that evening.

Stevesn posted 2/28/2019 16:16 PM

Wow. Just wow.

That’s the happiest of results I’ve ever heard.

There are some things to work out about being open and honest. But it’s great to know that these types of endings can still happen.

I won’t rain on your parade at all right now. We all suspected she was doing the right thing. I would make sure you have an accounting from her about every visit she made during that trip. Above and beyond what happened with him.

In time I will suggest you guys do some work to ensure you stay connected now that you are becoming empty nesters.


[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:17 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

fareast posted 2/28/2019 16:20 PM

Thank you for the update. I hope things continue in a positive direction for you and your W.

Bigger was right. Just burned toast.

Good luck to you Wiley.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:24 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

M1965 posted 2/28/2019 16:37 PM


I have been following your story and I am really happy for the way things have turned out. It did seem like your wife was being stalked, and it is amazing that you have such solid proof of that now, as well as so much clearing of the air between you and your wife.

That time when Moms become empty-nesters can leave them feeling lost and vulnerable, and there are men who seem to actively look for that. What is so heartening is that although your wife felt lost, she actively rebuffed her ex-fiance.

Your wife's hesitance to tell you is totally understandable, and I hope that the two of you can find a way to make it more comfortable for her to tell you if she is ever bothered by unwanted attention again. Your desire to pulverise a would-be interloper is natural, but it is more important to be there for your wife; not in court, not in jail, not accumulating a criminal record.

I am glad that you found a suitable way to celebrate this outcome. Good for you! And good for your wife too, for shutting her troublesome ex down so comprehensively.

Maybe you can work together on a way for your wife to find a new identity for herself.

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:38 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 2/28/2019 16:44 PM

Wonderful conclusion to your situation. And that is rare around here.

You need to give your SIL a big fat thank you for urging your W to do the right thing, which she probably would do eventually.

If SI had a "Hall of Fame" this would be in it.

firenze posted 2/28/2019 16:44 PM

Wiley, I am really really happy for you. Use this to strengthen and deepen your marriage and improve your communication. Best wishes to you and your wife.

survrus posted 2/28/2019 17:05 PM


Odd how hiding anything related to dating or ex'es can kill a womans sex drive, and this wasn't even an affair.

You wrote awhile back, The distance between us continued when she got home. And she's less interested in sex than normal. We've only been intimate once since she got home, and that encounter was very forgettable. Our sex life is normally good.

Marz posted 2/28/2019 17:30 PM

Good to see a happy ending for a change.

You should take her out somewhere nice this weekend.

stubbornft posted 2/28/2019 17:55 PM

So very happy for you. It is wonderful that she told you herself, this is the very best possible outcome and I am sorry your wife was in this scary situation.

WileyC posted 2/28/2019 17:56 PM

Thanks @Marz. I'm gonna buy her something special indeed.

The piano she most wants is a major purchase. It's the main reason she drove all the way to the music store. She brought home a recording of her playing various songs on it. She can play like you wouldn't believe. We talked about buying one after our son graduates college.

She will find that very piano in our den when she gets home from the gym on Saturday. I bought it today.

WileyC posted 2/28/2019 17:59 PM

Life is too short to wait so long for something she deserves and has wanted for so long.

Wool94 posted 2/28/2019 18:10 PM

This is the best thing I've read in forever. Thank you for coming on here and letting us be a part of this awesome story. God bless you and your family!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:49 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

susieque2 posted 2/28/2019 18:18 PM

Love this ---

You have a beautiful relationship. --- Kudos to you for taking care of it!

Lifeexploded posted 2/28/2019 18:18 PM

Thank you for such a wonderful story in such a dark place as this. I cried happy tears for the two of you. Carry on with your awesome marriage, I hope you never need to come back here, and may you have many more sleepless nights.

MickeyBill2016 posted 2/28/2019 18:19 PM


[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 6:19 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 2/28/2019 18:30 PM

She will find that very piano in our den when she gets home from the gym on Saturday. I bought it today.

Very gracious and thoughtful of you.

No wonder you have a great marriage

Marz posted 2/28/2019 18:33 PM

Was anything else going on at the time of her trip? Family issues, any disagreements between the two of you that may have been a coincidence with the timing of contact from her X that may have caused her apparent distance?

I asked why she seemed down for a few weeks before her trip. She said that since our son had moved off to college last fall, she has struggled to move on to a new role, so to speak. She had planned to increase her music teaching to more students, but that hasn’t worked out yet. She has an uncommon passion for teaching music to young children, and wants to contribute to the family by earning some income (we don’t need it).

Son going off to college was the issue. I suspected something else. Mothers do get down when children leave home.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:35 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 2/28/2019 18:36 PM

If it were me I'd pass along his attempted love letter to your wife to his wife.

Just my way of saying thanks plus she deserves to know who she's married to.

Booyah posted 2/28/2019 18:40 PM

I am happy that it played it out positively Wiley.

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