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Wounds still fresh

jgh1984 posted 2/21/2019 11:47 AM

Hello everyone, my WW cheated on me with a punk kid she met at the mental hospital the last time she was ther. She slept with him in a sleazy hotel room while I worked a second job and she paid a babysitter to meet him. She has what I would call severe mental health issues. It all happened and ended within a two week period in June. I got the chance to knock him about a bit and that helped a little at the time. When she came out of her mental health crisis we decided to reconcile. She met with our religious leader and has worked steady through the process of repentance without any further indiscretions. She has moved on and wants to leave it behind. I do to. But, I canít. This experience was the most traumatic and devastating thing Iíve ever experienced in my life and Iím a combat veteran. I donít know how to remove this stain on my heart, soul and marriage. It has devalued everything I ever held dear. Iím eight months out from DDay and still feel the wound is fresh. I had a nightmare last night that she was going out dressed extremely slutty and when I asked her to change she got angry and I ended up begging her forgiveness for complaining about it. That was essentially the dynamic the week I found out. I would have left but we have built a life and a family with five kids, pets a house etc. How do I move on forgive and let go? I want so badly to search this piece of garbage kid out again and put him in the hospital! I want my love back, my marriage back without this despicable, disgusting and out of place stain!!!! Is there hope of mending my marriage and feeling as I did before? My wife says she has fallen back in love with me and sheís so happy we stayed together. I want to feel that way too. But, I donít. I still feel betrayed and hollowed out....

manofintegrity posted 2/21/2019 12:19 PM

Battle Buddy, 67T here. 21 months since DDay. R going as good as can be expected. You are right. Nothing more devastating. Here is what helped me...a WW that gets it, truly remorseful, makes me a high priority, no minimizing, no blaming me, lots of time together, lots of love making. An OM that suffered some serious consequences also helped. He was a preacher for 8 yrs preying on vulnerable women in and out of church. I outed their A to his wife, church board/elders and community. Seeing each of his losses made me feel better. His ex wife remarried 😊 The psychopath is now shacked up with a single woman just like him. Originally before getting back into church (somewhere else of course), I was planning my revenge. It was good that we had children. I knew I needed to find a good friend to talk to and do the right thing. The best thing you can do is out him publicly, to his wife or girlfriends from here on out, coworkers, neighbors, family, Facebook friends. Oh, make sure you friend request all of the OM friends first. Make sure everyone within 50 miles is aware that he is a cheater. He is not worth going to jail for. Take care of you! PT, eat healthy, little to drink, get into church, take care of your wife, and work hard at your job.

oldtruck posted 2/21/2019 12:42 PM

Recovery is a 2 to five process. At 8 months you
have more to go.

Are you in IC? WW? If your WW has told you the
truth, answered your questions, doing the work to
recover the marriage then with time the pain will
lessen and you will heal.

Thing is the healing moves so slow that you will not
notice changes from day to day. A marathon not a

benomania posted 2/21/2019 13:45 PM

Damn. Veteran here too. Sorry this is happening. YOu both need council now.
Individual and couple's counceling.
Hopefully you can over come this.
Like you I almost saw combat 2x.
This is by far the most traumatic thing I've ever encountered.
It's been almost 2 years for me and now I'm in a scary phase.
I don't give 2 shits about setting things right anymore.
I have stepped on many toes since Dday.
So be it.
I will not be ambushed ever again.
I'm hoping you can get things straighten out.
Semper Fi

Robert22205https posted 2/21/2019 17:59 PM

She has moved on and wants to leave it behind. I do to.

R is a long and emotional process (2-5 years ...often longer). Unfortunately there is no short cut. While her repentance may heal her spiritual relationship with God, it's not directed at repairing the earthly wounds to you or your marriage.

Did you guys read the books we suggested in prior posts? What was her reaction?

I ask because it sounds like you may be forcing yourself to 'move on' (minimize and rug sweep) before you're ready.

Skan posted 2/23/2019 11:41 AM

Hello jgh1984. Former corpsman here. }fist bump{

Listen. What you're feeling is utterly normal. You are still in shock and still processing. These are early days in your recovery, even though it probably feels like the longest days and months of your life. Healing from infidelity can easily take 2-5 years from the time of your last betrayal. You're fighting and mentally conflicted because what you knew to be true, the life that you knew and committed to, has been shattered. You've been run over by a bus driven by the person who was supposed to have your back, be your safe place to fall. You got left with broken bones, bleeding out, on the road. You're still in critical care, with unhealed bones and open wounds. expecting that you are "over it" is about as realistic as asking that poor, broken and bleeding sod laying in the street to get up and run a marathon. Healing, recovery, takes that dreaded 4-letter word, time, coupled with effective treatment and therapy.

Are you in IC? I think that it's great that you have support from your church, however you need someone who is experienced in infidelity counseling to talk to for your sake, and most pastors do not have the professional training to attempt this. I speak as someone who works for a church. And also as someone who sought IC (as did my FWH) from licensed councilors who also were pastors. That's very doable, if that's important to you, but more important, period, is to get good professional help.

See, at the heart of this, you're the one truly in need right now. You say that your WW is working through the "process of repentance." Well, that is great actions count. But you're the one still in critical care, on a bed of pain, having to process the utter unfairness that your WW put you there. She may be sorry now, but SHE put YOU there. And that's a bitter and soul-eating thing to process.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

Sunshine184 posted 2/24/2019 14:11 PM

Hi jgh. I understand how it feels to be the rock in a marriage where your partner has mental illness. It seems so unfair that you keep things solid only to be rewarded with being cheated on. Remind yourself that the cheating had nothing to do with you even though it rips you apart. Thereís nothing you could have done. Iím at just over 2 years. The first year was much like yours. I felt like he had clawed me open, spilled my insides out and, while cowering from the trauma hiding in a corner, got kicked and kicked for hiding. I felt Iíd never recover from that pain. Guess what, he also Ďfelt new and deep loveí for me too. Itís almost like him seeing me so fragile, for someone who always had to be the the strong and stable one, made me different to behold. When youíre with someone with mental illness, you have a patience that is olympic in size. I had to ask myself if I could continue that patience, but for me. Did I have that 2-5 years to see if I could manage this pain and see if recovery/reconciliation was in the cards for us. My journey so far? I started with me and stopped being the Ďrockí. I kicked him out. We FaceTimeíd almost every night after about 3 weeks having serious and difficult talks. At about 2 mos I let him come home but sleeping in the guest room. Talking face to face was harder but weíve kept at it, even at 2 years. IC is important - exceptionally important for both of you. We still arenít in MC because we are communicating so well but itís still possible that weíll go down that avenue. Youíre working two jobs - is it possible to give yourself the gift of personal time? Read, meditate, promise yourself that youíll start every day with a smile so that some positive chemicals get going in your brain. You canít change that this happened. You can be good and patient to yourself. My kids were the reason I started trying to be positive when my day began (I had to get up at 4am and meditate while watching the sunrise tho). The kids were devastated with the pain I was suffering and I wanted to be able to greet them with a smile and a loving hug each morning. Practicing this start to the day was huge for me moving forward - can you find something that starts your day positive or hopeful? Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, find something to be thankful for each day. You have support here.

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