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Help Iím so confused

1uprooted posted 2/7/2019 19:43 PM

I have three children and have been married for 17 years. Ten years ago my spouse strayed, but we reconciled and for the most part itís been a great marriage.
In December I suspected my spouse was ďtalkingĒ to someone and he admitted he had formed a friendship that was inappropriate.
We went on a family vacation January 1st and it was apparentl there was something going on. He would go get coffee and disappear for an hour. His phone would go off at 2am and heís leave and take the call.
When we got home he went to visit his brother and met up with the other woman. I figured it out, confronted him and he admitted he was in a relationship but not physical and he just ended it.
Over the next few days I pulled phone records and saw many phone calls from the same number. When I checked his phone he had disguised the person as a man. He finally admitted everything when confronted and even yes it was physical.
I gave him an out and said he was free to leave but he said he wanted to be with me.
He agreed to meet with our pastors for counseling and it all came out. I took off my rings and made him no promises but said he could prove to me that he wanted our family.
After two weeks of taking it easy and trying to reconcile he took me on a date. It was a nice night. We had been sleeping separately since the discovery day, but he fell asleep on the couch. Iím not sure what possessed me to look but while he was sleeping I went through his phone. Everything seemed fine, no texts no calls.
I looked through his emails and saw her on some emails (they work at the same place but not together) and again it seemed fine. Long letters from her about why he wonít talk to her. Why is it over etc until January 26th. She sent an email saying ďI guess I was mistakenĒ his reply ďIím on what apĒ
I immediately searched through his phone and found the app and there it was... four days of texts. She sent him pictures of herself in her undergarments she expressed her love, he told her he loved her too a few times. But weirdest of all he talked about me, about how great I looked and I lost 9 pounds. She got negative and he stood up for me. What is going on?
On the last texts he said he couldnít do this and he wanted me and the texting stopped.
I found all this just two days after the last text. I confronted him, he cried and said he felt trapped. She would call him 90 times in a row, would send him emails with no content. He said he doesnít know why he would do it but it was truly over. Well I flipped out and threw him out.
The past few days Iíve agreed to let him come to put our kids down for bed. He leaves and in the morning comes back to get them off to school.
He says I deserve my space and whatever I need but he is in love with me and will do anything to reconcile...

pearlamici posted 2/7/2019 20:06 PM

I'm so sorry - tell him you want 100% transparency. You want a written timeline. Access to phone, apps, emails. Read the healing library on the left. (Particularly the 180). And good for you - you're not doing the "Pick me" dance. You don't have to make any decisions now - but if he wants to reconcile, he better do all the heavy lifting. Oh - and I would tell everyone - the light of day is usually fatal to affairs.

1uprooted posted 2/7/2019 20:47 PM

Yes many many many people know. But I guess it wasnít enough to make him not reach out again even though it was for four days then he retreated.
Currently he is staying with my parents! They offered to have him until we figured out a better situation. Crazy! My dad and him have been having heart to hearts. But this canít continue and there is limited places for him to go. We were talking about a studio for him but thatís expensive. I donít know what to do. Iíve considered letting him stay in laundry room but I wish he could suck it up and sleep on someoneís couch.
Iím not sure if I want the divorce or I should take the time to allow him to prove himself but obviously living platonically.

heartbroken_kk posted 2/7/2019 22:04 PM

Hi 1uprooted, sorry you are here.

First, lets start with one of the biggest problems: you have a cheating WH, who lies, and keeps secrets from you. When caught, he continued to find ways to keep his secrets and lie to you.

The only way you can repair a marriage with someone like this is if he gets himself in individual therapy (not marriage counselling) and figures out WHY HE KEEPS SECRETS, LIES AND DECEIVES, as well as WHY HE CHEATED.

You don't have to stay married to a cheater, liar, secret keeper, and trickster.

So what if he is in love with you? Seriously. If this is the way he treats somebody he loves, his love means nothing!

First of all, go up to the healing library here (upper left corner) and read up on the 180. You need to stay strong and keep your power. Don't do anything to make his life easier. If he's worn out his welcome on that couch, he can find another place to sleep that isn't your house. Don't shop around for him to find a place to go! That's for him to do. He needs to figure shit out for himself. Don't let him be a big baby and try to talk you into fixing his problems for him.

The very best thing to do is tell him this is his new life, he's only going to see his kids part time. If he gets a place of his own they can spend time with him over there. This is how divorced people live their lives while raising kids. They do it separately.

Let it sink in that this is what is in store for him. Stay strong. Be ice cold.

Watch what he DOES. He's a liar. Don't believe a word he says. Any promises - they mean nothing. He promised to be faithful. You have no reason to believe he will live up to his word now.

If he wants to repair his marriage, he's going to have to work his ass off - with actions you can SEE, to convince you through deed that he is determined to fix what is broken inside him, and to repair the damage he did to you and his family and his kids.

The biggest mistake that we make as BWs is to believe their words, and want the marriage to get fixed ASAP so we can get our lives back. The marriage is broken and dead. To get out of infidelity should be your number 1 goal. You can do that by either divorce or reconciliation, and both are really really really hard. R is no shortcut to happiness. The only way to recover is for him to fix what's broken inside him.

You may also benefit from counselling for yourself so you can navigate these stormy waters. You need support and guidance.

Hugs ((((1uprooted))))

manofintegrity posted 2/7/2019 22:30 PM

Here is how they BOTH are tricking you into thinking it is over...he leaves some emails for you to find, tells her he is on the top cheating app, you go to app, see.nice comments on your weight loss (no cheater speaks highly of their husband or wife), then tells her he canít do this. Something is wrong with his integrity and he is just trying to throw you off of the scent trail. Iíd be installing one VAR at home and one under his truck seat. As soon as you forgive him and cool off, I bet heíll be back at the player games. The next time with a burner phone, while oh so kindly and lovingly being transparent with his cell, computer, etc. I would also bet the last 10 years were not void of any games. They only get busted about 1 out of 9 times.

RobbedOfTrust posted 2/8/2019 12:09 PM

The next time with a burner phone, while oh so kindly and lovingly being transparent with his cell, computer, etc.

This. Too often, when caught they just get smarter, trickier, up the ante ...
It may sound like we are being overly suspicious, but once they prove to be untrustworthy ... believe it.

trustedg posted 2/8/2019 12:39 PM

I am so sorry you ended up here. Whatever you decide - D or try to R, you still need -

STD testing, he should get tested too.
IC for you, if the first one isn't right, get another.
See an attorney, many offer a free first consultation.
Start protecting you and your children and your finances.
He finds another place to live and that is his problem, not yours.
Tell him he can have his OW, but not while married to you.

IF you want to offer him another chance, make sure he knows it is his last chance.
He goes NC with OW, and make it clear what NC means.
Complete transparency (of course if they want to cheat there are many ways)
Get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", read it an give it to him.
He gets another job.

Limboaz posted 2/8/2019 16:43 PM

Do you know who she is? Chances are she is married too. I would expose the affair to her B.S. without warning. Hopefully you kept copies of the evidence. This kind of exposure tends to blow up the affair and bring it to a screeching halt, or at the very least give you another set of eyes to monitor things.
Honestly you have handled things very well. Those who take decisive action right away tend to fare better.

[This message edited by Limboaz at 4:47 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

annb posted 2/8/2019 17:00 PM

Hi, welcome to SI.

Gently, now he's free to see OW whenever he wants since he is out of the home?

If he wants his family, he finds another job.

This is his second rodeo. Think long and hard if you want to be in line for a third.

Personally, I'd meet with several attorneys and show your husband that either he ups his commitment/faithfulness or he is in for divorce. No putting up with this crap any longer. You don't deserve this. Neither do your children.

CoderMom posted 3/3/2019 17:38 PM

I'm not sure I would have thrown him out considering he told her he wanted the marriage and the texting stopped. Maybe the couch for a while...

If I were in those shoes, I would have told him to change his phone so she couldn't text him any more and if that app ended up back on his phone again, then there would be stronger consequences.

Many prayers!

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