Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Still longing...

natwoodbron posted 1/4/2019 01:01 AM

On Dec 28, 2008, I reached 16 years since the first time I met my husband at a mutual friendís wedding. I also reached 100 days since I had found out that he had been cheating on me for 7 months prior. D-day was one of the worst in my life because it was so surreal that I felt I was trapped in a fictional world. I had to keep reminding myself that I was not watching a show or a movie or even reading a book. It was my true reality. I felt my foundation rock had been removed and my house was no longer safe.
He broke the faith I had in us, the faith I thought he also had in us. The faith that I thought kept us strong during 8 years of dating long distance, and 8 years of marriage. The faith that no matter how much resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc built up would carry us through thick and thin still as one couple with the believe in us together.
I knew we had been in trouble for at least 2 years and I tried several times to do something about it. But essentially I felt I was working alone because he was working very hard to support our family in one of the most expensive places in the country, California. I kept so much bottled up for the sake of easing his worries. It took a toll on me and I suffered depression on my own in secret for over a year while still doing my best to function as a stay at home mom of our now 4 year old daughter and a part care-taker of his ailing grandmother and spirited and spry grandfather, both of whom 97 years old now. I was sacrificing my sanity so I could ease his at-home worries so he could focus better at his work. This past year it got worse. I finally broke down and sought psychiatric help and got on medication after struggling to keep it together internally. It took me realizing I was taking out my emotions on our daughter to finally accept it. The meds helped and I could think again without the excessive anger and sadness. Thatís when I began to work on myself so I could then start working on our relationship. I wanted to be a better wife and partner. I wrote him an honest email, since he wasnít around enough to have a face to face conversation, and told him I would let him go without a fight if he wanted to leave and remake his life without me. He chose to stay and fight for us. I was so happy and relieved because I still love him. We began biweekly lunch dates without our daughter and even went to a baseball game together. But little did I know, he was not only lying to me, he was lying to everyone, including himself. He had been already seeing someone else 5 months when I suggested that fresh start. And for 2 months he continued to live a double life while giving me hope about rekindling our marriage. Sure there were signs, but as it usually goes, I didnít want to see them. I had faith in us. No, his second phone didnít mean anything. No, his lack of communication while away on very frequent work trips didnít mean anything. No, his newly began routine of more meticulous self grooming didnít mean anything. No, his new wardrobe out of the blues didnít mean anything. No, his more frequent gym visits and care about his diet didnít mean anything. No, the lack of paperwork trail to and from the ďworkĒ trips didnít mean anything. None of that meant anything individually. And I didnít want to think of it all collectively. I had faith in us. Thatís until a single hard fact hit me straight on. Unexplainable credit card charges caused me to dig until I found Pandoraís box in his backpack. All the secrets came out on Sept 20th at 1:30 am. As I sat alone in the garage pouring over all the plane ticket stubs and passport stamps to Mexico City and Tijuana, nightclub passes, six flags trip bracelets, jewelry receipts, dinner for 2 receipts, and a love note written in Spanish by what had to be a young female based on its round and bubbly shaped printed lettering and overly corny expressed emotions.
I woke him up at 3:30 am that day and confronted him about it and he was so out of it that he simply admitted it. He was also callous by asking me if we could talk about it later after he slept, to which of course I declined. But he offered no explanation nor even a fake ďIím sorry you found outĒ apology. He simply said that we needed ďto be civil to each other now and not make things worse by being hatefulĒ. I was enraged inside but kept a calm composure outside. He wasted 2 hours avoiding my gaze and ďthinkingĒ what to say as I sat there staring at him just waiting for him to talk. I said nothing. I was done telling him my thoughts and emotions. It was his turn to talk, I said. I finally got fed up after he indicated he needed to get ready for work and told him to leave and not return until he was prepared to talk to me about everything. He decided to leave behind his clothes and his wedding band. I was crushed when I found it. He had been busy looking for his passport and his birth certificate to care about anything else. He needed a way to get back to her. I assumed she lived in Mexico City, and I had hidden both documents to not make it easy for him to just go see her right away. He demanded it back but I feigned ignorance. He had no ground to stand on to force me to return them. I knew it was just a temporary hold, since he could easily get a copy of his birth certificate rushed to any address and then visit the consulate office near his work to get a replacement passport. Which is exactly what he did. He left and didnít try to return for 2 whole days. I changed the keys to the house locks because the uncertainty of his return caused me severe anxiety and I felt unsafe. But I left a note on the door indicating I was open to hear him out when he was ready and I would reopen our home to him. He didnít contact me for 4 weeks. He said that he waited that long because he needed to think about what he wanted and come up with reasons why he opted to do what he did. Yeah, it was all about him. Again. His needs. His actions. His motivation. He. He. He. He. Not once during those weeks did he ask about our daughter. Not once. He asked for a meeting to talk about us and the situation. I did meet him at a park and we talked for almost 3 hours. I realize now that he went to that meeting with less than zero intentions to fight for us. He just wanted answers to his questions and to see if I was ďstill the same angry bitter wife from beforeĒ. To my own surprised, I poured out my heart in that conversation and told him everything I had been bottling up. I cleanse my soul in that conversation. I finally had his attention and his time and I told him what my heart and my head needed him to know. His reaction was, ďI need time to think about all thisĒ. Not I. He. He needed time to think about what he wanted to do. He. Even then I told him I had been ready to take him back and forgive him if he had shown remorse and had indicated intention to fight for us. I was ready to be what I always despised, a wife who threw her own pride aside for an undeserving manís love. But alas, he didnít know what he wanted. In fact, he was still seeing his mistress, he inadvertently told me so. Much later I found out through international roaming charges on the cell phone bill that he had returned to see her the very next day after that meeting. I had waited and hoped for his answer after that meeting. It never came. I forced myself to text him and email him for the sake of our daughter who missed him terribly. Had it not been for her, I would had cut him off and began healing far away in Georgia or Virginia, where I had my friends and where I had built a life before moving to his home state to be near his family. But I couldnít take off without thinking of her needs. She needed her dad. And she needed the only other male figure in her life, his grandfather, her great grand-dad. I had to be my daughterís advocate and fight for what was best for her and that included her own father to see her. His lame excuse for not attempting to reach out to her was that he believed I would hold her from him. He didnít know me at all. He didnít think I had anything good left in me. He thought I hated him when in reality I missed him and loved him and longed for his time and his attention like a dog for his beloved owner. I felt like a dog in his life, waiting for scraps. He continued to be financially responsible for everything, including my biweekly allowance. But that was the extend of his conscience or guilt. I am still at his mercy financially as I no longer have any sources of income to tap into since I put everything into our new home and life in California. I went into massive credit card debt trying to help ease the loneliness and maintain an illusion of a happy marriage to everyone around, specially his grandparents. I am lucky, though. I have amazing supportive friends near and far who have been my saviors each day. Iím still on medication but Iím hoping that once I get into an individual or group counseling routine to talk about my everyday stuff, then I can start weaning off the antidepressants. Thatís a 6 month goal. Wow, Iím elated I have a goal 6 months from now. If you asked me 50, 70, 80, 90, 100 days ago what my plans were, I couldnít tell you past the end of the week. I could not see myself getting pass this. Panic and darkness was all I saw.
I am still afraid. I still love him. I am afraid that love will drag me back again. Itís a possibility because I am still longing for him. For he used to be. For who I thought he was. I long for my husband. The cheating lying bastard.
My daughter misses him tons and all I can do is be honest with her in as much as you can be honest with a 4 year old. I love you and papŠ loves you. Heís probably not going to come back home but he will see you soon and you will have great times together.
About 3 weeks ago I logged onto the cell phone account online and combed over the last 12 months of bills. It showed that roaming charges for Mexico began in February as I suspected thatís when his affair began based on the other evidence.
But I had not realized that he was still seeing her to this day, almost 2 months after he asked me for more time, a week, to think about what he wanted to do.
He ignored me and gave me only silence as his response to his decision. All the while I though he was a least trying to become a more ďhonest and empathetic personĒ as he indicated in a previous email.
He was still seeing her 2 month after I poured my soul into that fateful conversation.
He was still seeing her.
I donít know if something clicked inside me. But I I know I stopped feeling a little less sad at that point.
A friend told me that there would be a point when I would just say that I had enough of him making me feel miserable. And itís possible Iíve reached that point. I pray that Iíve reached that point. I donít want to be miserable. I want to be happier.
It feels bad to say but my long term plan is to stay put where i am until both the grandparents are gone. Once that happens, I will cut all ties to California, a place I came to be miserable and alone. And Iíll return home. My home. Not my parents, not my fake home with my husband, but my home where I will have at least one more happy day than the total number of sad days.

This story, my story sounds detached because I am feeling better and I donít want to become undone at the drop of hat anymore. This helps. Writing f to strangers about my ordeal. My heartbreak. My story of how my a hole was made on my soul.

Thank you for reading. Your comments are appreciate it.

paboy posted 1/4/2019 03:17 AM

Sorry to hear of your plight..

First thing, lets get you looked after. On the left hand side of this page is a yellow box. One item there is called The Healing Library.. Click there and it will open too a variety of help aids, and articles to help you heal.

Physically... ensure that you stay hydrated, and eat balanced meals. Try to stay away from alcohol. Rest and exercise is importent. If needs be,see your doctor for medication to help you sleep if needed.

Get into IC as soon as you can. If you have any close friends or family you can confide, seek them for support. This forum is also really great and supportive. You will get alot of experiance, and needed advise so post when needed.

There will be members who will post soon to help. General rule..You know your situation. Take what you need from posters, and leave what you dont need.

Lets get you out of infidelity..

mindfullness55 posted 1/4/2019 07:22 AM

Natwoodbron;

Iím sorry youíre here too.

Thereís going to be some good people coming to your aid soon, they will give you excellent counsel.

Please donít be like me.

I struggle with listening to them and I donít follow their directions. I just donít, I love this person and Iím codependent
.
You may be able to follow what is suggested to you and I hope you do. If you donít then youíll be just like meó-still suffering from a 40+ year relationship with a narcissist.

Itís no fun with stress on the word Ďnoí.

I hope you keep posting.

steadychevy posted 1/4/2019 09:22 AM

I'm so glad you've come back. Your first post ended abruptly and I was concerned.

I don't have a lot of time this morning. I just wanted to let you know you've been heard. The weekends are slow on SI just so you know about the next couple of days.

There's lots of help here. Take time to look through the Healing Library which you can access through the yellow box in the upper left corner of the page.

While all of the stories here are different they're shockingly the same. Different venue, same shit. What you did is so common. When there were marital issues you tried to fix them. You were invested and he wasn't and still isn't and might never be.

It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. None of this falls on your shoulders. It is all on him. Dr. Shirley Glass has responded in an interview that it isn't that the cheater isn't getting enough out of the marriage but not giving enough to it. Marriage takes investment and care and tending. You did so and he didn't as much or very little. The one who invests the most values the most.

Even before you found out for sure you were doing things to try and hold the marriage together and did the "pick me" dance after you found out. So many of us did that. We didn't have a manual on what to do so we did the wrong things. Doesn't matter. Now learn what the right things to do are. Many will come to provide guidance, offer suggestions, etc.

Healing will take a long time whether in R or D. The common time frame quoted is 2 to 5 years. I don't know what it is exactly but it's a marathon not a sprint. Further, the ride through is a vicious roller coaster. Get help here. Get IC. Look after yourself and your children.

Keep track of what has gone on with his adultery. Anything he has spent on getting together with her, buying her things, etc. is half yours. It should be part of any settlement you get if you go through D.

Hang in there. We're here for you. Wail, weep, vent, whatever.

Skan posted 1/4/2019 10:54 AM

Hello natwoodbron. Welcome. I'm sorry that your WH (Wayward Husband, one who cheats) gave you the reason to search for us, but I am glad that you DID find us, for support.

As one of our other members has already pointed out, first, take care of yourself, so you can care for your DD. That's your primary job right now. I assume that the Grandparents have been told what's going on? I hope so, because you need their support just as much as they need your support. Unless, of course, they put any percentage of blame on you, for your WHs decision to be unfaithful. In which case, cut them right off and let them know that if they truly believe that, then they are welcome to go live with their Grandson and his mistress. Also, please do read The Healing Library (Forums page, upper left corner, link is in the yellow box). Knowledge is power, so start reading. Two very important things it will give you are the list of abbreviations we use (BW, Betrayed Wife, you), and the 180. The 180 is a technique for you to start and continue to detach mentally, so that you can figure out exactly what you need, deserve, and want in a marriage. And to decide to never compromise on that.

There is a saying around here, which is very true. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your WH has shown you that his only concerns are that of being with his AP (Affair Partner) and that he does not care one fig at this time for your, your DD, nor his Grandparents. Believe him. It's time to gather up your strength and start making decisions with that fact in mind. You made some very good preliminary steps by changing locks, asking him to leave, and drawing in your bridges. Now, you really do need to see a good divorce lawyer and find out, exactly, where you stand in the case of divorce. I strongly suggest that you file for a separation, child support, spousal support if applicable, sole use of the house, etc. You WH is under no legal obligation at this time, to give you anything. You, and your DD, are highly vulnerable to his "feelings" of obligation. And if his AP is determined to milk this Cash Cow as much as possible, cutting your family off could be his next decision. Plus, every penny that he spends on his AP is money coming directly out of you and your DDs pocket. those are marital assets that he is blowing on another woman. Cut that off right now, by filing and freezing the accounts. Here's some good news. CA is a community property state. That means that 1/2 (at least) of everything that is owned by the marriage, is owned by you. And he owns 1/2 of the debits that "you" have. The courts don't care one fig about adultery being a cause of divorce. They DO care that you and your DD get the assets that you are owed. They take child support very seriously here. So I strongly suggest you get those orders in place. In the unlikely event that your WH pulls his head out of his other end, a divorce can be slowed down or stopped or cancelled. But you need to find your inner Momma Bear and make sure that you and your child are taken care of before his AP, or worse, before any child that she may bear.

This is a lot to throw at you, I know. But it's time to try to take the emotions out of the safety equation and start protecting you and your own. Keep posting. We're all here for you.

natwoodbron posted 1/15/2019 04:17 AM

I am still getting used to this site and how things work.

tomorrow I meed with a lawyer's pre-consultation team to hash out my situation and determine costs and steps available for me. I am confident about that decision, but I am afraid none the less. My WH still has me in the silent zone with minimal communication. He has nothing to say to me and that is worse than direct rejection. At least with direct rejection I know the facts without wondering ifs. I hate his actions and I hate how he's behaving. But I still love him. I am afraid that just a few pretty words and minimal show of remorse will change my mind and get me back to the same situation. I know what I need to do; take care of me and take care of my daughter. But I also want to be comforted by him. I want my husband back.
I know this stranger who ignores me and is still seeing his AP is not whom I married nor whom I had a wonderful child with. But try telling that to a broken heart who only wants that person who broke it.
I know in the morning I will be ok and be strong to do what I must to move forward. I just need to voice my fears outloud so they don't become more powerful.

natwoodbron posted 1/15/2019 04:17 AM

duplicate reply

[This message edited by natwoodbron at 8:59 AM, January 24th (Thursday)]

max2018 posted 1/15/2019 04:31 AM

I sorry for your pain

BUT

Time for mama bear to stand up

File for abandonment and get full custody of the girl

File for divorce and take your daughter and run away from this thing

If cut his daughter out of his life that easy for a whore he is not a father

max2018 posted 1/15/2019 04:31 AM

[This message edited by max2018 at 4:32 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

max2018 posted 1/15/2019 04:31 AM

[This message edited by max2018 at 4:32 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 1/15/2019 05:23 AM

His refusal to talk to you and be honest is so typical.

He canít face you and at least be honest - you have nothing to work with unfortunately. Heís not the guy you married.

Unfortunately the guy you marry and the guy you divorce are two different people.

I donít see many options at this point. Iím sorry for you and your child.

ChamomileTea posted 1/15/2019 10:37 AM

I think when you talk to your attorney that it would be wise to find out what you need to do in order to return to Georgia or Virginia with your daughter. Honestly, it might improve your overall outlook to get out of California and be around people who are emotionally supportive so you can start regrowing your life.

It's completely NORMAL that the one we most want comfort from is the very same one who betrayed us. We want them to understand how they've hurt us. We want them to feel remorse for doing it. But the reality is that this guy abandoned you with a toddler and his elderly grandparents and is out living large like a bachelor. He is not sorry and he doesn't want to understand. You're not weak for having these feelings though. It's ubiquitous among betrayed spouses.

Hang in there. You're going to be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it today.

((hugs))


junebug65000 posted 1/15/2019 11:49 AM


SL

"....you need to find your inner Momma Bear and make sure that you and your child are taken care of before his AP, or worse, before any child that she may bear."

^^^ This is important to act on NOW with an attorney! You need to assure that your child (Child of the marriage) receives full child support should the AP becomes pregnant.

Also,monies spent on his affair is taking from the marriage. Keep all records and receipts spent by your WH for use by your attorney.
Open your own bank account and transfer monies from the joint account.

You are strong and taking steps in the right direction.

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy