SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Countingsheep65 posted 12/30/2018 22:37 PM

Years of deceit and lies, but, what I read on December 7th hurt the worst.

It was a message he wrote from 2016.

I finally got on his Facebook and found it.

It was the day before my birthday.

I was bald, no eyelashes, both boobs cut off and reconstructed sick, trying to get through my chemo.

He’s messaging a woman he met on Match, trying to get in touch with her, he has a lot to talk to her about “ since their last date”.

I maintained my composure for a couple weeks, then I asked him, “ whose this chick on your Facebook friend list”?

Oh, he says it’s a friend of his cousin.

Me...So, if I ask your cousin he’s going to say she’s he’s friend?

Yep.

Next day I look at his phone, he had texted his cousin late that night asking him, “ hey if my wife contacts you about so and so tell her she’s a friend of yours”

Cousin....ok wow, just that easy.

He put his final nail in his coffin.

Mene posted 12/30/2018 23:51 PM

I’m sorry you’re going through this on top of battling a serious illness. He has no shame. He should be focussed on you. You don’t need him if he behaves in this way.

TooOldforDrama posted 12/30/2018 23:56 PM

I don't understand why family members are so willing to help cheaters. When my ex was doing what she could to ruin our marriage, I begged her sister to help me talk some sense into her. She reached out to her alright but I found out later that they just giggled together about the details. It really hurt me.

When her mom seen me and the toll it was taking on me....she told her she needed to stop and stop being a b*tch. My ex told me this after saying "Well, mom supports your side".

I would really be angry at my brother if he cheated on my SIL. We are much closer than I am with her but I love her the same.

Karma is really good at settling the score even if it takes time.

I couldn't date someone leaving their spouse because they had health issues either. That's incredibly low.

I'd probably message the woman in question. Send a picture of myself and tell her what you just told us. If you're leaving him, I'd finish the message that he is all yours.

Keep fighting the cancer. I'll pray for you.

kaygem posted 12/31/2018 00:37 AM

I'm so sorry for your pain, truly. I don't know your story but he certainly isn't remorseful and hasn't changed. Sending you hugs.

1ptsdsurvivor71 posted 12/31/2018 01:46 AM

First I want to say I'm genuinely so damn very sorry that your H did this to you & at a unimaginably scary time in your life.
Early spring 2010, I underwent endometrial ablation to stop or at least lessen awful cramps & pain, horrific hemorrhaging & clots associated with endometriosis & fibroids.
The ablation was outpatient surgery. Went well & no periods nor monthly flooding for about a year.
That was by no means the worst of my experience but what happened afterwards: This was shortly before Obamacare & after surgery, I was sent home with whatever IV painkiller(s) were still in my system.
That first night, back in bed at home, was raw.
I felt so crampy & in pain. I felt awful.
I can still see my [now EX] lying next to me looking put out & almost smirking.
I knew our marriage had been rocky for around three yrs & I strongly suspected that H was cheating. Again.
And for a myriad of legitimate as well as half assed excuses & fears, I ignored or at least buried my suspicions & focused instead on my job, helping look after my mom in the months after my dad died as well as my faith & just in general trying to be a better person...& little did I know at that time that my H was about to atomic bomb our marriage.
Two days after my ablation, I still felt cramping uncomfortable enough that I needed some pain relief for work.
I remember asking, pleading; damn near begging my H to go to the drug store & buy some pain relief for me & H flat-out REFUSED.
To say I was & extremely hurt was an understatement.
I asked him WHY & truthfully, I no longer remember his excuse nor the heart wrenching argument that ensued - so what do I do?
Well, with 2 or 3 little one or so inch micro stitched incisions on my tummy that were covered with little steri-strips, I dug some spare change out of my work purse, got on my mountain bike & pedaled to the nearest Dollar Tree, to buy two bottles of generic 200mg ibuprofen.
Normally it only took 15 maybe 20 minutes to bike from our apartment to this particular dollar store but bc of my ablation surgery just two days previously, it took me about 30-40 minutes!
I felt so hurt & angry as I paid for my purchase & leaving to pedal back home, I began getting the sinking almost gut-punch feeling that my H was indeed fucking around again; only this time it felt incredibly different.
I was literally & genuinely clueless that my H not only had an equally married BUT that OW was pregnant & pregnant with TWINS.
As of April 2010, I suspected my H of fucking around again but I had ZERO clue "why" he began treating me so coldly & now I know: Bc a young woman not even two full yrs older than xh's oldest daughter was, unbeknownst to me, heavily pregnant & up H's ass about his/our marriage & very likely telling my H to hurt me as deeply & as much as possible so *they* could "be together."
For all I know, my H told OW about my surgery & she told him to NOT help &or comfort ME, his WIFE, in ANY way, shape or form.
Looking back, I can all but guarantee in writing that this disgusting ninth grade dropout meth freak all but had my H wrapped around her dirty fat sticky fingers.
Sixteen verbally & emotionally agonizing months later, this still very much married whore sped down here from Wisconsin to help whisk her equally married "soulmate" off to a supposedly shiny happy exciting sex filled magically responsibility-free new life in La la Land.
Just HOW these two obviously drugged up fuckwits planned to pull this off both long term much less realistically is STILL, almost eight yrs later, a head scratching mystery.

Whatever my H & OW couldn't steal &or pack in OW's car, they literally destroyed & left scattered & strewn in our apartment - the same apartment, our last marital home, that H did his damndest to verbally & emotionally terrorize me into leaving - so H could move this vile whore into the apartment that *I* helped pay for AND *I* was on all the utilities, etc & my very own husband WANTED *me* HOMELESS; literally on the streets & NOWHERE (except an emergency homeless shelter across town) TO GO - so he could set up & play insta-house with his still very much married skank
I guess whore must've really put the screws to my husband AND/OR her just as fucked up parents pleaded with & ponied up even MORE money for these two cheating fuckwits to just come back northward & that's exactly what they did.

My H literally ABANDONED our marriage barely four full months shy of fourteen yrs for some equally married skank that he'd been lying to & secretly fucking off & on since around 07.
"Why" H didn't just LEAVE our marriage shortly after meeting & hooking up with this particular POS back then & NOT endlessly lied, gas lighted, verbally & emotionally terrorized me for almost four more yrs is something I still sometimes really struggle with.

Please read another post or two that I have about my now ex & this young ow.
This particular ow is absolutely vile: 10-15 yrs younger than me. But easily weighs around 325 lbs. Septum piercing. Cheap thin wannabe trendy clothing. Just as cheap minimalist tattoos. Boy chopped buzz cut hair that OW dyes various shades of red, frequently favoring shades that run the gamut from Raggedy Ann red to a greasy looking burgundy.

OW is STILL on Facebook (definitely has a completely PUBLIC page) & easily over eight plus different social media &or pic sharing sites. She even parodies a dead rock star's widow's name on Instagram & another site!

From all indications, the only & I mean ONLY "reason" that this skank is no longer with my now Xh is bc Xh was arrested & hauled off to jail & charged with three, repeat three FELONY counts of INTENTIONAL child abuse between late fall 2012 & mid spring the following year.

Yes, according to online police reports AND [online] court documents, this filthy OW actively, freely & dare I say happily stayed involved with, living with & actively fucking stbx through not just one or, hell, two, but THREE SEPARATE incidents of child abuse - as stbx was found medically AND criminally responsible for physically abusing - as in actually hitting - REPEATEDLY - the 2-5 MONTHS OLD twins that ow DELIBERATELY became pregnant with in her hell bent pursuit of MY [then] husband!

I apologize if I thread jacked but your post SERIOUSLY triggered memories of my husband treating me with mind & heart numbing indifference & coldness - all in pursuit of some publicly shameless & STILL LYING skank.

What still triggers my PTSD & sends me down a very dark & ugly rabbit hole is knowing beyond ANY shadow of doubt that this piece of shit sorry excuse of a young "woman" managed to convince my husband to treat me, his lawful & faithful wife, with such cold contempt bordering on hatred & all for what - a few months of living together, non stop fucking & very likely drinking, drug use & other criminal behavior & that this vile OW convinced my husband to do absolutely NOTHING for me, his wife, in the hours & days following surgery.

God, I still shudder to think how my [ex] husband would've treated me had I been diagnosed with a catastrophic, life threatening/limiting illness?!?

All I can still think of is Elizabeth Edwards dying from end stage breast cancer & being PUBLICLY humiliated by her her husband just ask skanky bimbo mistress, Rielle Hunter - with Ms. Hunter just as deliberately becoming pregnant by John Edwards AND publicly rubbing it in his DYING wife's face.
I still internally cringe & almost whenever I remember seeing how their shit show of an illicit relationship played out in both the media as well as the "court" of public opinion.
Rielle Hunter was & is just as much of a publicly shameless whore as the OWs our partners & exs selfishly, thoughtlessly & cruelly forced into *our* lives.

In all seriousness, I really wish the OWs lurking & reading our forums here would get it through their selfish thick heads that if a man - married or otherwise previously, exclusively & intimately "spoken for" will lie & cheat to "be with" them - these OW - that these same men absolutely WILL lie & cheat ON the OW & NOT a matter of "if" they will - but WHEN they will!

Countingsheep65, I wish so much that I could just reach through my computer monitor & give you a great big comforting ((hug)).

I'm genuinely absolutely so goddam very sorry that your H betrayed you during such a life threatening time as recovering from MAJOR cancer removing surgery & its attendant after effects of chemo, radiation, physical therapy, talk therapy, meetings, insurance, consultations, healing & even further invasive tests as the months & years go by.

Only YOU can & WILL determine your way OUT of infidelity & I absolutely would NOT blame you one iota if you decide & choose to quietly quickly get your emotional & legal ducks in a row; quietly consult with a couple different divorce attorneys about your rights & those of any minor children you might have & safely, quietly ghost this frighteningly selfish man.

My husband literally abandoned me for his equally married ninth grade dropout meth addled con artist & within two weeks I was consulting with two separate divorce attorneys (on completely opposite sides of the city).

About 9 1/2 weeks after my H's whore hightailed it down here to whisk her equally married boyfriend back to La la Land, through much tears, stomach churning humiliation & white hot anger, I divorced my ex & honestly NEVER LOOKED BACK.

Xh called me late one night late May 2013.
I think the enormnity, heinousness, destruction of our marriage & MY finality with Xh's bullshit, for whatever reason(s), began hitting him & he called me; sniffing around & hoping to reconcile.

Even after all the illness inducing hell that Xh put me through, in his damn the consequences pursuit of his just as married OW, I managed to speak to ex & for the first time in recent memory, I DIDN'T cuss out, yell at or interrupt ex.
Nope.
I simply let Xh know in ZERO uncertain language that not only had HE literally ABANDONED our long term marriage but that with OW's happy assistance, he utterly obliterated ANY & ALL love & even respect that I once had for him.

I flat-out told Xh that for the past three yrs of our marriage that I no longer recognized him. That I witnessed him morph into a hateful monster.
I told Xh that I no longer recognized him & that he was, as a popular song goes, "just someone that I used to know."

I couldn't even ask Xh "why" he treated me so cruelly in the hours & days following my surgery in 2010 & all but FORCING me, with stitches & steri-strips, to ride a busy & somewhat dangerous four lane highway, to the nearest Dollar Tree, to buy ibuporfen with change scraped from my work purse.

I'm sure my then husband & his equally married & knocked up skank laughed over my obvious physical AND emotional pain at being forced to pedal a bicycle almost 45 minutes away to get generic dollar store pain relief bc my husband REFUSED to neither put me on his work's health insurance NOR help comfort or take care of me after surgery that I absolutely NEEDED.

I'm fair certain that the whore, Courtney, had multiple belly laughs at my expense.

It was so humiliating & so damn undeserved.

Had Xh NOT had the town bicycle wrapped around his dick & whispering in my ear nor likely smoking dope himself, I highly doubt that he would've been so cruel to me as he was...but sadly, I will likely NEVER truly know.

I hope whatever individual chooses to involve themselves with my Xh that she HEAVILY invest in both Monistat, STD antibiotics & female condoms - bc it's EXTREMELY UNLIKELY that Xh will EVER STOP lying &or fucking around on whomever he's intimately involved with.

As for the skank in my sich, well, for a woman who's had three kids & had the state confiscate & terminate the rights to two of them, she's STILL on social media & her life looks pretty damn sweet for someone who happily helped devastate mine.
And on OW's pages that I DO know about, nothing - absolutely NOTHING WHATSOEVER - about the 2-5 months old twin boy & girl babies that she just as happily got pregnant with & ALLOWED Xh to continually beat on; just so she could have unrestricted access to & use of his dick.

If you or anyone else is interested, I definitely have full names, birthdates, where to look on Facebook & the police dept in their city & where online to access & even print court documents related to their case. God bless the Freedom Of Information Access Act!

One way or another, I promise, *you* WILL find your way away from & OUT of infidelity.

When you've hit your emotional high water mark, believe me, you WILL KNOW IT & that WILL be it & you WILL make a cut & dried decision.

Until then, we're here for you!

I'm emotionally battered & scarred & jaded as hell but dammit, I'm STILL HERE & that's my focus!

Lovingly, 1ptsdsurvivor71

heartbroken_kk posted 12/31/2018 19:46 PM

Hi Counting, I'm so sorry this is back in your mind today.

I know you are hurting and scared about your health too. I don't have a lot to say but I want you to know you have been heard. You matter.

Your WH's behavior is all about his selfishness. It has nothing to do with your appearance, your cancer, your recovery. You will get through this, statistically the numbers are very much in your favor and you will come out the other side well, cured, and having endured this awful compounding of your pain. You will be a stronger person.

It's amazing how the destruction of your marriage can make you stronger but it is true, it may break you down a little in the moment but you will prevail, and you will go on to rebuild your life in the way that makes you happy.

Trust in time. It will get you there.

Hugs, kk

Chrysalis123 posted 1/1/2019 07:08 AM

Hi and I am so sorry he did this to you.

I am so sorry he is a despicable person. Truly selfish because he could not sacrifice for you during your time of need, and now proved he is highly manipulative and immature.

Seems there is the mother-boy child relationship going on.

If I were you, I'd hold your cards close and get your ducks lined up in the event you decide to divorce.