SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Dismayed2012 posted 1/14/2019 13:16 PM

See a lawyer now. Draw up divorce papers and have her served. Keep possession of the marital home; don't move out; she moves out. Blow it up to everyone; family, friends, his wife. Separate your wife from your accounts. Get her name off of everything that belongs to you. Take your name off of her stuff. Begin the process now; she's not R material; she's in love with the other man. Time to move on with your life. Sorry about your situation.

The1stWife posted 1/14/2019 13:21 PM

Thomas11.

I am going to weigh in on this thread because I too had infidelity impact my marriage when we were married 25 years.

Two kids, happy life, husband traveled extensively so during the week he was usually in some other country or on the opposite coast. Part of his executive career.

I was fine with all of it and never complained

As in your situation, I too was led to believe the affair was over and had ended after DDay1. However Unfortunately I had to suffer with a second Dday.

In addition, during the six-month period of my husband‘s affair, he demanded a divorce no less than four times. On DDAY2 he walked in the door and out of the blue demand a divorce. I had no idea what was going on and once again was completely blindsided.

I won’t give you all of the drama that occurred on Dday2 but I can tell you that the only reason I found out the affair had continued was because I picked up the phone and called the other woman and she was honest about what had occurred.

It was then that I decided I could no longer live with his indecisiveness, the infidelity, the lying, and more Importantly, one day being told he wanted to divorce in the next day him changing his mind and saying it was all a mistake.

At DDAY2 I very calmly Told him that I could no longer live like this and I was divorcing him. He no longer had the ability to make any decisions concerning me or the children. I apologized that it had to come to this but I no longer had anything left and felt there was nothing left to our marriage.

I then left the room.

I want to point out that during the prior five months of his affair I had been working on my Plan B (just in case ). Well DDay2 became the day I needed to execute my plan B.

I immediately went into execution mode. I stopped doing his laundry, errands, favors, or anything nice. I spoke nicely to him in front of the children otherwise I did not speak to him. He was begging and pleading for another chance and I just kept repeating “I’m sorry I can’t.”

I then told him he had to move out. He refused but I would not back down.

Christmas was rolling around and I decided not to do anything until after the Christmas holidays. He continued to try to reconcile but I was not otherwise convinced that it was a good idea. I finally told him I would consider it but only if he signed a post nuptial agreement, which he readily agreed to.i initially did this to shut him up. But I gave it a chance b/c I had nothing to lose anyway.

It took me six months of working through some of the issues before I felt we were not headed for divorce.

From DDay2 I can tell you that I saw a tremendous amount of changes from him. He was very remorseful, trying to make amends every day, doing everything he can to repair the damage and help me heal etc. etc. He answered any and all questions whenever. I had access to all electronics which was his idea. Not mine.

We are one of the lucky ones who managed to reconcile. It was not a straight path and it was not easy. My husband made mistakes but yet he continued to try every single day no matter what.

And that is what made all the difference in the world.

If a person really is committed to changing and really wants to stay married, you can rebound from an affair or infidelity. But the cheating spouse or partner has to be 100% committed in order for it to work.

I never would have believed we would still be together and happy 5 years later. But we are.

Like I said we are one of the lucky ones.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:27 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

benomania posted 1/14/2019 13:45 PM

Your story sounds like the sanitized version of mine. I had no proof. But sooooo many red flags.
Wife knows shes one mistake away from reaping my wrath.
A wrath no one ever wants to be on the receiving end of.
Do I truly trust her? Nope
I suggest you do the same.
For me I had a period of residual trust. She then destroyed that.
With that went any trust I had.
Imagine, you try and "change" only to have your SO fuck you all over again by doing exactly what you told her not to.
Well, if love is what you were seeking. You will not find that on a key board or a computer screen.
The jury is still out on us.
There are days when I'm ok thinking we are on the path to R.
And there are days when anger and revenge fuel me.
Sorry you have joined this shit show.
Have her go NC
Have her apologize to your family
Have her attend IC / MC
Have her give you all the respect you deserve
Do the 180 and stand your ground
Be firm and exact on what you plan to do if this situation does "get better" if she wants to remained married.
Confront the POS and say your peace.
Confront the POS spouse or GF
Make the POS "famous" by letting everyone know who this wonderful person is and what he's done.
I know it takes 2 to tango.
Whatever.
Best of luck to you as you mannuever through this mine field.
I'm sorry you are now in our club
Take care of YOU and the kids

Thomas11 posted 1/14/2019 20:21 PM

I appreciate the advice and experience being shared. I would love nothing more than for it to have worked out, but cannot work this hard to be this miserable. Time to accept the reality that she's bat shit crazy and take care of myself for my beautiful girls. Will be busy later this week making some calls and personal visits to anyone close to this deal and to get my ducks in a row. She'll be helpless as she'll probably not find another dumbass manservant to take care of her as she ages. God bless all the good people that have this crap enter their lives. Life is hard enough.