SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay in June. Discovered texts and pictures, confronted WW, and found out about on and off affair going on for 5 1/2 years. We have 2 kids, and have been married for 25 years. I've always waited on her and kids hand and foot. All cooking, cleaning, yard work, special errands, etc. Spent all my time trying to make their life awesome and easy. Removed a bit of detail to ensure I can stay anonymous. Will update soon. Thanks

[This message edited by Thomas11 at 4:24 PM, January 7th (Monday)]

If you haven't inform his wife. An important step you should not leave out. Do not inform your wife.

I've always waited on her and kids hand and foot. All cooking, cleaning, yard work, special errands, etc. Spent all my time trying to make their life awesome and easy.

Probably a big mistake making her that entitled. You do too much you can get taken advantage of and lose respect.

Go your own way and let her pick up the slack.

Better wake up.

All cheaters lie a lot so don't expect the truth. Her driving by his house is a huge red flag. Her actions long term will tell you more.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:04 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]

I'm sorry that you're here, it sounds that you rugswept the whole thing and tried R (reconciliation) way too soon, what consequences has she had for such a huge betrayal ?

1)Have you both been tested for STDs ? she was exposing you to life threatening diseases for a long time.

2)Have you EXPOSE her A (Affair) with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any and with ALL family and close friends ? and has she apologized to them as well ? especially to your betrayed children and both your parents if alive ? who else knew of/enabled the A ?

3)Did she write a NC FOREVER to OM that you approved (no sweet goodbyes)?

4)Did she agree to FULL on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords ? There's no privacy in a M other than toilet time.

5) Is she going to IC fo find out her "whys"?

6) Have you consulted a D attorney to find out what your options are ? has she signed a post-nup ?

No contact and no chance to meet up since discovery, but asked if she was over him during another conversation tonight and she said yes. Hard for me to believe. Does not know about GPS...had to do it after such a long affair and knowing she was in love with him. Hard to figure out. Just wait and pay attention I guess?

Why do you even believe a word she says now after she literally lied thousands of times over a 5 year LTA ? by this time you should know first hand ALL CHEATERS LIE and only admit to what you can prove, Have you demanded she takes a polygraph ? one of the questions besides the one of her being still in contact with OM should be: Have you ever had other As and/or secret relationships besides this one since we started dating and/or since we've been married ? She's now a proven cheater and a liar and you have to consider the possibility that this was not her first rodeo.

Do not waste this wake-up call!!! Driving by his house is a huge red flag.

What has she done so far to change? Is she in IC? Has she given you a timeline and all the details you have asked for? Do you have compete access to all her media accounts/electronics?

Keep posting.

DDay in June. Discovered texts and pictures, confronted WW, and found out about on and off affair going on for 5 1/2 years.

Things have been going good since

There is really no way for us to give you any meaningful advice when this is the entirety of what we know about your situation. It's difficult to recover from a LTA.

-The sense of alternate reality. What has your marriage really been about for the past 6 years? Who are you to her besides an income and a helpmate with the kids?

-The feeling of being the sexual Plan B for so many years, knowing she was sneaking around for illicit sex with another man instead of you. Imagine all of the time, energy, and creativity she invested into creating secret sex opportunities with the POSOM.

-The fact that lying to you has become her normal, for so many years and to such a degree, that you can never really be sure whether she is now telling you the truth. If you had not discovered the A, it would still be going on. Do not accept any bullshit from her about "I was in the process of ending it." Right now, she is a cornered animal. You absolutely cannot trust any utterance that comes from her mouth.

Most people, about 5 months after DDay of an A of this magnitude, would still be feeling gobsmacked, still reeling from the magnitude of the betrayal, still wondering which way is up. Thus, your statement "things have been going good since" defies what we collectively know about infidelity. There doesn't seem to be any way things could be "going good" at this point, unless (a) you are rugsweeping, to a giant degree, or (b) there are some very unique details we don't know about that make your A special and diametrically different from every other A discussed on this forum.

I think (b) is unlikely. Details are important and do matter, but posters come on SI all the time feeling like their marital love is special and holy and they can spring back from infidelity in minutes, in contrast to the hundreds of hand-wringing flagellants on SI who agonize for years after DDay. Invariably, posters like that come back later, tail twixt legs, acknowledging we were right, the WW is nothing special, just a cheating, lying bitch who doesn't deserve your time of day.

My money is on (a). I would warn you about this. If you don't address the details of her A and, if she is not absolutely begging you for R at this point and trying to win you back with every ounce of her soul (and driving by the POSOM's house ain't that), you will find yourself years from now seriously regretting the wasted time invested staying with her.

Among other things:

Inform the BOW now. It's the decent, human thing to do, and she may be an ally who can give you good information about the A.

No sex until both of you are tested for STD's.

Consider having your kids DNA tested.

Do NOT see an MC at this point. She is a broken person. MC cannot work with a broken spouse. She needs to fix herself first.

Go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of page) and read there. In particular, read about The 180, and put it into practice in your life. This is to give you space to clear your head and figure out your own personal truth. It is not to punish her.

Finally, I would suggest you read and print Joseph's Letter (in The Healing Library) and give it to her to read. Also, the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:22 AM, November 30th (Friday)]

Thanks everyone! Wish I had found you folks at the beginning. Did it all wrong...pick me, trying R too quick, not asking for a timeline, etc. I know everything about POSOM except the name and contact for the OBS, but working on it. Real POS who has cheated during all three of his marriages. She cries and apologizes, looking for IC, doing some online stuff, but this drive by crap really set me back. Had finally started to sleep and gain some of the weight back. Can't believe I stayed employed, but had high performance beforehand. Even though there was what I thought was progress, it is time to blow things up and start over the right way. No substantial marital issues beforehand. She's vain and selfish and I think maybe a little crazy because he's such a POS. I'm probably too nice and definitely was/am co-dependent. The few folks that know (her closest friend and my sister) have really lit her up because of it. Need to get my head out of the sand.

Driving by his house clearly shows you she is still thinking about him and misses him regardless of what she says to you. She is still in love with him.

Remember - cheaters lie.

For over 5 years you were Plan B. The safe haven for financial support and child care while she had her romantic fun with him. You may still be Plan B in spite of what she says to you.

I know everything about POSOM except the name and contact for the OBS, but working on it.

Look no further, your WW has this info, of course she knows who she is and after a 5 1/2 years LTA she probably even knows the color of her toothbrush, tell your WW she's got 10 seconds to cough up the name and contact info or it's over, if she refuses then she'still protecting OM, man up and stop being her doormat, nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE with OBS and ALL family and close friends, if she refuses to give the name of OBS, well you know OM's address so go knock on her door when OM's at work and file for D without warning, if D papers and FULL exposure don't shock your WW back to reality, nothing will, either way you get out of infidelity.

She's still driving by his house that means she still pining for him and hopes to catch a glimpse of him or even a quick kiss, As thrive in secrecy, and so far very few people know, she needs to apologize to your children and both your parents if alive for her HUGE betrayal, remember this was not a mistake, this is who she is, she CHOSE to CHEAT and kept on cheating until caught, she's still in the A and deep in the fog (EA), btw I agree "Time to blow things up", No more Mr Nice Guy !!!.

I've always waited on her and kids hand and foot. All cooking, cleaning, yard work, special errands, etc. Spent all my time trying to make their life awesome and easy.

You won't believe how common this is with betrayed men. You should most definitely change this arrangement with a full 180. Yes, you've been way too nice. You need to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" if you haven't already. Most, if not all may resonate with you. It's time that your little Disney princess WW pick up the slack in the household. She cooks her own dinner, does her own laundry, gets her own gas and oil changes...get the drift?

Go hire a PI if you have to in order to find the OBS contact info. Tell her ASAP and without warning to your WW. Keep the GPS and all sources of intel secret no matter what. She did a hell of job hiding the A for 5 1/2 yrs so she's well practiced in lying and hiding evidence. She just got sloppy.

Start adjusting your approach to all this in that you are willing to lose this marriage in order to save it. In other words, you won't accept anything less than strict adherence for your requirements for R and she shows you empathy at bare minimum. Until that, R is off the table. I think you should go ahead and get some counsel with attorneys to see how a D will look for you.

From what I read here, LTA's are a real mindfuck for both BS and WS. You got your work cut out for you.

Your wife most certainly knows the name of the OM's wife. Or the two of you could visit her at home some afternoon while the OM is at work.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:49 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

Looks like you patch up easily. 25 years - You have the upper hand, use it. 5 years is a looong time, not to be vindictive or anything, but it is a big time disrespect and disregard on her part. May be your marriage was good despite the affair but you need to know why it happened and protect your interests now that your marriage is not going to be same. Nver trust cheaters, they have to hide and lie to protect themselves

[This message edited by goalong at 7:32 PM, December 2nd (Sunday)]

All the nice things you have been doing for her for years, stop doing them for her and start doing them for yourself. You need to have a conversation with yourself and understand that you are now holding all the cards and just figure out how you want to play them. Stop being so passive and start being more aggressive. Stop being hurt and get mad. You want answers? Ask her the questions and tell her that truth and respect is the only glue that will hold the marriage together. Other wise you will help her pack and even call the AP to come and pick her up. As far as telling the other BS, you must know where she lives because you know your wife has driven by her house. So go up to the front door, when you know she is home, knock on the door, and when she answers tell her who you are and that she needs to know that her husband and your wife has been having an affair for over 5 years. Give her your phone number and tell her if she wants to talk then give you a call. Thank her for her time and then leave. If her husband answers the door ask to see her. If he refuses he will probably get loud which will bring her to the door anyway. If she doesn't come to the door then leave and try again another time. Knowing you will try again will drive him crazy. You just have to have the nerve to go and knock on the door.

During my military career, my team was sent on a training operation that was suppose to last 3 weeks. Due to no fault of our own we got stranded in Europe. The 3 week operation turned into seven weeks and my wife is wondering where I am. Then she got mad. She went to my headquarters and ask to see my commander. She ask him if there was some way she could send me my clothes because he had obviously assigned me to another post without her knowledge. Needless to say he did his best to calm a very irate wife. You need to dig up the same courage she had. Ask yourself if the way you are dealing with the situation is worth all the hurt your are enduring. I do wish you well.

Thanks to everyone on this site. The information was spot on. People must share with those being affected by this mess so that they can help themselves. I wish I had found this site sooner as cheaters are all so similar. I’m about to have DDay 2 already. Things seem perfect, then video message from car in deleted folder telling someone that she hopes they’re having a great day (in sexy voice). Also a couple of selfies. Checked, and POSOM’s number is no longer on the blocked list. The checking sucks, but sometimes outward signs are not there. Amazing how crazy this all is...

Do what you have to and inform the OM's wife asap. Do not let your wife know you are doing it.

Thanks to everyone on this site. The information was spot on. People must share with those being affected by this mess so that they can help themselves. I wish I had found this site sooner as cheaters are all so similar. I’m about to have DDay 2 already. Things seem perfect, then video message from car in deleted folder telling someone that she hopes they’re having a great day (in sexy voice). Also a couple of selfies. Checked, and POSOM’s number is no longer on the blocked list. The checking sucks, but sometimes outward signs are not there. Amazing how crazy this all is...

So what have you decided based on the fact that she has not stopped the affair?

Looks like it is time to see a lawyer and expose to everyone.

What is your decision?

This has been going on since November. DDAY #2 should be her served with divorce papers, - no warning, no conversation, no confrontation, etc. Just file quietly and have her served. If you are in a at fault state file for infidelity and name the other man. On same day inform other man's wife. If attorney states it is pointless to file for infidelity or you are in non at fault state inform others man's wife same day anyway.

This is what happens when you rugsweep, you protected her and didn't EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends and did not file for D after learning of her 5 year (now almost 6 year)LTA. Apparently she can't let go of AP, right now you have nothing to work with, please just file for D without warning and have her served, she's not a child, she's a grown woman and doesn't need to be told that cheating on her husband is wrong, you can stop D at any time before it's final if she finally comes around and ends her A, commits to NC FOREVER with OM, gives you a detailed timeline of the A, provides full on demand access to all her forms of communication and passwords, signs a postnuptial agreement in your favor in case you decide later that this was a deal breaker for you or if she cheats again, either way you get out of infidelity.

Thanks to everyone on this site. The information was spot on. People must share with those being affected by this mess so that they can help themselves. I wish I had found this site sooner as cheaters are all so similar. I’m about to have DDay 2 already. Things seem perfect, then video message from car in deleted folder telling someone that she hopes they’re having a great day (in sexy voice). Also a couple of selfies. Checked, and POSOM’s number is no longer on the blocked list. The checking sucks, but sometimes outward signs are not there. Amazing how crazy this all is...

Your marriage is done. You should be working on a plan to extract yourself from the infidelity and move on with your life. She's pretty much shown you where her head is at. I'd sit on letting her know you've found more information. I'd contact an attorney and prepare for her to be served with papers. None of this is your fault.

I really dislike the posts that talk about degrees of affairs because they can serve to minimize the pain of someone who's spouse "only" had a one night stand or something like that but I have to say that affairs that go on so long, in this case now 6 years, really do have their own category. This was not just an Affair. This was a way of life. Your WW had a second partner, a second husband. To expect that she would just drop that immediately upon discovery was probably naive but then again you should have some naivete on things like this. Who the hell would want to be experienced in dealing with infidelity?

I just don't see you coming back from this and the really shitty thing for you is at 25 years you have probably crossed some boundary for lifetime support. The least she could do now is to not take any maintenance from you but I don't suppose asking her to do the honorable thing will really make a difference. I'm sorry for the crap hand that has been dealt to you and I wish you good fortune in putting this cheater out of your life.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 12:49 PM, January 14th (Monday)]