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Cold Feet OR Trust Issues?

stark1984 posted 10/1/2018 18:23 PM

So, I met this girl about two months ago. We met in a social media group online and found out we were within a 90 min drive of each other. We met for dinner within 24 hours of chatting online and things have been great ever since. She's a single mother of a 9 yr old boy, with whom I've been able to connect with.

We take turns staying the night at each other's place, spend family time together, etc. Things just seem so great. This new girl and I are completely head-over-heels for each other. We've talked about future plans, wanting to get married and possibly have kids one day. Everything just seems to flow naturally, like we were meant for each other.

When we first met, we were open and honest with each other about our past relationships and who some of our friends are, etc. Turns out, she mas a male friend, whom she met about 4 years ago. They met once for a date, and she claims there's absolutely nothing between them. They live very different lifestyles. I met this dude at a ComicCon he got us tickets to, as he's one of the organizers.

Anyway, I observed their interactions and didn't see or sense anything malicious. Yet, I still feel threatened by this guy. They text, or call, or message each other on social media and it bothers me. Most likely because my XW used to do this quite a bit with her ex-lovers and ex-bfs.

As stated, I still feel threatened by this other dude, despite what my new girl has told me. My gut instinct doesn't tell me to run or anything, yet my thoughts suggest she may have a thing for this ComicCon dude. I already know I have trust issues, yet she hasn't necessarily done anything to make me suspect she's going behind my back to talk to or sleep with other dudes like my XW did. Am I justified in feeling threatened or is this just me trust issues acting up, because of all the BS I experienced with the XW?

I guess I'm just having a hard time believing I met a girl who wants to get married and have kids with me, asking myself the question: "Is this for real?"

[This message edited by stark1984 at 9:41 PM, October 1st (Monday)]

I.will.survive posted 10/2/2018 05:41 AM

In my experience, either the man or the woman has or has had feelings for the other "friend" at some point. The key is, will the attached person stay loyal to the one they are in a relationship with. Can they resist the constant flattery and attention of the "friend" if it goes beyond the usual non physical, non romantic "dates" where they meet up and hang out.

My boyfriend has had a female friend/co-worker for 15 years. I haven't met her yet, but have heard lots about her. He has never been interested in her (that he has admitted to) and I have no idea on her end, although he says no, never. Do I feel threatened when they meet up for dinner? No, not really. But yes, it can be a trigger if I think too hard about it.

My friend has FOUR male friends she has zero interest in. None. She likes their attention and hanging out with them. No attraction. No physical touches. All of them have expressed wanting more with her. She said she would give up all these male friends if she was in a relationship and it bothered the guy. But she hasn't crossed that bridge yet.

I'm not asking my boyfriend to give up his 15 year friendship because I trust him. That trust has bitten me in the ass in the past.

I don't know what advice to give you because you don't want to ruin a good thing over nothing. BUT...if you are uncomfortable/threatened, it's worth discussing with her.

Good luck, hope she's like my friend and my boyfriend--capable of having a platonic friend, even if the other party could be romantically interested.

EvenKeel posted 10/2/2018 11:52 AM

She had four years to get involved with this guy prior to you if she or he was interested in each other romantically.

Since their friendship never progressed prior to you and she has given you zero reasons not to trust her, I would believe her.

When I was newly dating, I had to remind myself constantly not to hold the new guys responsibility for my ex's wrong-doings (unless shown otherwise). It got better over time.

Now you didn't ask for any more advice than that, but please slow down and just enjoy this stage of your relationship. It is such a fun time.

stark1984 posted 10/2/2018 16:05 PM

@I.will.survive: The more I think about it, they don't get together very often. He lives an hour or more away from my girl. He's also 6-7 years older than her, and thinking about it, if he was even remotely interested in having kids (with or without her), he probably would have done so by now.

The relationship between my girl and her guy friend might be akin to the relationship I have with a girl friend I met in my college days over a decade ago. We met via an online dating site, went on one date and determined there was absolutely no attraction between us. We've been friends ever since and I even went to her wedding two years ago. This is most likely just old ghosts trying to show themselves.

@EvenKeel: You are entirely right. She hasn't given me a reason not to trust her. And if they were interested, they would have pursued something years ago instead of now. Like I said, just some old ghosts trying to show their faces.

I dated a girl some years ago who ended up maintaining a friendship with an old classmate while dating me. She was constantly texting him, driving to his workplace that was very out of her way just to see him, etc. I even caught her texting him while she and I were on a date and she lied to my face about it. As soon as I broke up with her, she and that dude got together.

Stupid ghosts...

heartbroken_kk posted 10/2/2018 16:13 PM

It's communication issues.

In a healthy relationship, you should be able to voice your concerns about your partner's life and how it affects you. If you can't discuss it then the problem is inside you.

How have communicated your thoughts and feelings to her about this?

Can you say: "I want to share something that is bothering me. You text, call, and send social media messages to another guy. When I notice you doing that, I feel threatened. I've been trying to figure out if I have trust issues or if there is something going on between you that could impact our relationship. I don't know the answers to the questions I have, some are about me, my past relationship history, and how I feel, and some are about you and the things I don't know about the security of our relationship. Can you talk to me about why you communicate so much with this guy and what your feelings are towards him?"

How she reacts to you opening up about your fears and your observations of her behavior will tell you more and help guide you either to a place of greater security or of increased anxiety. Either way you get important information about how to navigate your relationship now and in the future.

EvenKeel posted 10/3/2018 07:25 AM

Reading HeartbrokenKK's post made me remember going through this when I was newly dating. How my partner reacted to my issues, says a lot about them as well.

I dated a guy that had more female friends than male friends. When I told him that it was my own ghosts that were wigging me out regarding his female friends he said he understood and would cut any of them out of his life asap if it was an issue with our relationship.

Now I did recognize it was a me-ghost issue so I didn't have him do that. But the fact he would say volumes.

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